The truly terrible joke thread

[Alex]

I got a compliment on my driving today said a blonde to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said "parking fine".

[Svengoolie 3]

Why did the trump supporter open his mouth and spray azure colored paint into it?

He wanted to try Bluetooth technology.

[Leah]

A reporter was doing an article on this fisherman with one arm. So he goes and does the interview with him, seeing how he fishes. The reporter asked if  he feels that he's ridiculed by others, but he says no. The reporter asked if he has caught any interesting fish.
"As a matter of fact I did!" said the fisherman gleefully. "I caught one this big!"

[Alex]

What were Abe Lincoln's last words?

He didn't have any, his wife was with him until the end.

[Svengoolie 3]

"Other than that,  Mrs.  Lincoln,  would you say it was a good play? "

[AoTFan]

My sister keeps asking for help with certain tasks, but I always refuse, because I can't be a brother and assist her at the same time.

[Svengoolie 3]

Why are hardcore far right people like raisins?

Both are often in bread.

[Trevor]

My sister keeps asking for help with certain tasks, but I always refuse, because I can't be a brother and assist her at the same time.

*Groan*  + 

[Alex]

"Have you ever heard of Murphy's Law?"

"Yes."

"What is it?"

"If something can go wrong, then it will."

"Have you ever heard of Cole's Law?"

"No, what is that?"

"Thinly sliced cabbage."

[Svengoolie 3]

A guy was being arrested for vwehicular homicide and yelling at police "What are you arresting me for? That damn libtard jsut stepped right out in front of me! I couldn't stop in time!"

A policeman said "Well, for starters it is his back yard."

[Allhallowsday]

Mmm. 

Why don't tampons talk...?  Because they're stuck up...   

[Leah]

Mmm. 

Why don't tampons talk...?  Because they're stuck up...   

That joke it terrible. Period.

[Svengoolie 3]

Little Willy with his gun,
shot his grandmother just for fun.
Mother frowned at her merry lad.
It was the last shell father had.

Little Willy hung his sister.
She was dead before we missed her.
Little willy's just full of tricks.
Ain't he cute? And he's only six!

Willy,  bored with stealing cars,
swiped a rocket and flew to Mars.
There he pursued his normal pattern.
Which is why the Martians now live on Saturn.

[Alex]

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. "My Freddie," said Margaret, "Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he's constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it's on my doorstep." "That's very nice about your Freddie", says Gertrude. "But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can't compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen." "WELL!" Says Barbara "I don't want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, "I'll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!"

[Alex]

A curious child asked his mother: "Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?"

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: "It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!"

The child replied innocently: "Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head."