Oh my God!

[sprite75]

Ernie: Oh my God!  The Viagra's working!!!"
Bert: (sotto voce) Swell!

[Psycho Circus]

Ernie: "Hey Bert, Bert?"

Bert: "What!"

Ernie: "I think someone's got their hand up my ass."

[Mr. DS]

Ernie:  "Bert, why don't we move the beds together?"

[Vik]

Ernie: " I've got a boner Bert... again "
...
Bert: " SHUT THE F*CK UP "

[Leah]

Ernie: DUUUUUUUUUUUDE, We should DEFINITELY DO IT!!!!

Bert: I'm not GAY!!

[Rev. Powell]

Bert, when did you install mirrors on the ceiling?

[Saucerman]

"There's a cat up there, Bert...a cat in the ceiling...and he's watching me, Bert.  He's watching me when I...you know..."

[retrorussell]

Ernie: Bert.. I thought about you last night when I was touching myself.  Do you think about me at night?
Bert: Ernie, I think about you all the time. (tightly grips .45 underneath pillow)

[sprite75]

Ernie: Bert?
Bert: What, Ernie?
Ernie: I was thinking, could we try trading beds tomorrow night?

[AndyC]

"Not again, Ernie. I already can't lay on my back."