Why do women keep taking back crappy ex boy friends

wickednick · July 30, 2010, 08:16:05 AM

So I met this girl on the internet, she was smart, funny, all about metal, cute little ebony women everything I could want.We got along great for the short time we were with each other, she liked me, I like her, she told me that she wanted to be my girl friend and even posted a message on the dating site saying that she was my girlfriend and was canceling her account.
Two days later she dumped me for her ex, a guy who made her miserable while she was living with him. He was in a wheel chair, he drank excessively and did a lot of drugs, but he pulled the whole I changed and still love you routine and she took him back. I just wish she had just given us more of chance, we were going so good and she broke it off so sudden, I guess it just left me kinda stunned.
So what gives with this stuff? I've seen this happen before and it never works out for the girl. Why take back the jerk when the new guy shes with is completely good to her?

Derf · July 30, 2010, 08:46:26 AM

I've seen this happen, too, and it is confounding. Sorry it happened to you.

I know this doesn't apply completely, and I don't remember where I first saw it, but I'll throw it out here anyway:

The great tragedy of marriage is that a woman marries a man hoping he'll change, and he never will, while a man marries a woman hoping she'll stay the same, which she won't.

Newt · July 30, 2010, 08:53:55 AM

All kinds of reasons, simple and complex, and none of them 'good':

Because she does not think she 'deserves' the nice guy.
Because she's afraid the nice guy will figure out he can 'do better'.
Because she feels the 'bad boy' needs her (and the nice guy doesn't, so much).
Because she feels she deserves (or is accustomed to) being mistreated.
...one could play amateur psychologist forever.

There is a lot of truth in what Derf said, too.

It's a sad, sad situation for the most part.

Trevor · July 30, 2010, 09:00:37 AM

My ex kicked me out in 2004 and never took me back, so

Newt · July 30, 2010, 09:13:17 AM

Quote from: Trevor on July 30, 2010, 09:00:37 AM
My ex kicked me out in 2004 and never took me back, so

But Trev, you are the nice guy. Unless there is more than the undies going on...

Flick James · July 30, 2010, 09:35:58 AM

Having served six years in the military and known a good cross section of alpha males, I've heard the concept that treating women like crap is the way to go, seen it in action, and, sadly, seen it work. I've seen these colossal pricks treat their women like s**t, and many of these are extremely attractive and even seemingly together women, and the girl doesn't leave him, or, as in wickednick's case, they may leave but take them back. Are all women like this? Of course not. I married an attractive and together woman, and I'm a nice guy, we've had two children together, and life is good. So, while I've seen this work, and while I don't like it because it plays into some rather terrible stereotypes that I don't care for, I will never be that way. I have always been, and will always be, a nice guy. Have I been dumped for the alpha-male a***ole? Yes, I have. I even punched one who decided it wasn't good enough to just have his girl back, he also had to get in my face and poke me in the chest with is finger (I'm a pacifist, but if you ever want to make me hostile, poke me in the chest with your finger).

Anyway, I digressed. Don't stop being a nice man. Despite your experience. It really is the right way to be. I don't know how old you are, but in my experience many women get over this. They just have to evolve past it. Many men grow out of it too, when they reach their 30's and their testosterone starts dropping.

akiratubo · July 30, 2010, 10:53:17 AM

The same reason that men stay in relationships with bad women.

Hammock Rider · July 30, 2010, 11:54:54 AM

I agree that it's a complicated issue. In my own experience I've seen two reasons why women do this.

1. For thrills. They find the bad dude exciting and worth the crap they have to take fom him. They may even think they have him under control and "taming" him makes the relationship even more exciting.

2. It's a reflection on how they were raised as kids. Any kid will ove, or at least want to love, their parent. To a young kid's way of thinking, if someone you love abuses you, that must make it ok. The kid might even think he/she deserves it. Maybe they even associate that abuse as an expression of love.
A thought like that sets in when your a kid and is deeply entrenched by the time you hit your teens. Some people go their whole lives thinking this way and don't even know it. Some figure it out after many years and a lot of effort and support.

You seem like a good guy so try not to take it personally, this is a case where it really is about her and not you.

Mr. DS · July 30, 2010, 07:04:51 PM

This topic has puzzled me for years and I think all the reasons listed are ones I agree with. Particularly the one Newt brought up about about women think the douchebags need them more. And of course about women not thinking they deserve better. I work with one woman who I think is probably one of the most nicest people in the world. She's sweet, caring and would do anything to make people happy. She is also attractive. However, she is married to a disgusting, fat, overly tattooed slob who is about 10+ years older than her. He thinks he's still 25 wearing wallet chains and clothes from Hot Topic. He swills booze constantly and the kicker is...the b@stard pays hardly any bills in the house! I mean they're f'n married, me and another coworker can't figure this out!!!

But in cases like this I've just learned to put the anger aside in the past and say "f*ck it". Not just because I'm married either. I will respect people for the way they treat me as a friend. But if they honestly want to live like sh*t in a relationship, let them. I've seen way too many good men burned by women and quite frankly I don't feel for those who date and/or marry losers.

Don't try to figure some women out...its like a 1000 piece puzzle.

wickednick · July 30, 2010, 08:35:36 PM

Ya some of this stuff I've been told before especially about the a-holes who treat their women like crap, but keep getting the girls. I refuse to change and become a jerk just to get a girl, I like being nice to women it was how I was raised and its the best way of doing things.
It just sucks that women go for all the dick heads first and us nice guys actually have to work are asses off to get a girl.

Andrew · July 30, 2010, 09:07:33 PM

Quote from: wyckednick on July 30, 2010, 08:35:36 PM
Ya some of this stuff I've been told before especially about the a-holes who treat their women like crap, but keep getting the girls. I refuse to change and become a jerk just to get a girl, I like being nice to women it was how I was raised and its the best way of doing things.
It just sucks that women go for all the dick heads first and us nice guys actually have to work are asses off to get a girl.

Keep in mind that I haven't been in the market for a while, since I've been married for some time. However, I consider myself a nice guy, and never had a problem. Obviously, your mileage may vary, but it's not all bleak for the nice guys. I'm going to agree that confidence, as in knowing who you are and being comfortable, is apparently very attractive to the fair sex.

Doggett · July 30, 2010, 09:17:01 PM

Quote from: Andrew on July 30, 2010, 09:07:33 PM
Quote from: wyckednick on July 30, 2010, 08:35:36 PM
Ya some of this stuff I've been told before especially about the a-holes who treat their women like crap, but keep getting the girls. I refuse to change and become a jerk just to get a girl, I like being nice to women it was how I was raised and its the best way of doing things.
It just sucks that women go for all the dick heads first and us nice guys actually have to work are asses off to get a girl.

Keep in mind that I haven't been in the market for a while, since I've been married for some time. However, I consider myself a nice guy, and never had a problem. Obviously, your mileage may vary, but it's not all bleak for the nice guys. I'm going to agree that confidence, as in knowing who you are and being comfortable, is apparently very attractive to the fair sex.

My girlfriend said the exact same thing.
Being comfortable in who you are is an attractive quality.

JaseSF · July 30, 2010, 09:17:41 PM

There are probably lots of reasons most of which have probably already been mentioned but honestly, I think a lot of women usually think of "nice guys" as friend material and not dating material or if the guys is too wussy nice as a guy who doesn't have the courage to truly speak his mind or isn't yet comortable with who they are-- especially if the guy plays suck-up to said girl complimenting her a lot, etc. providing her with an ego boost to make her feel better about herself. The bad guy surely adds a dangerous appeal to some women and some women also seem determined to change guys who never will change.

Newt · July 30, 2010, 10:00:21 PM

I married a nice guy.

BTM · July 30, 2010, 11:17:40 PM

Quote from: Flick James on July 30, 2010, 09:35:58 AM
Yes, I have. I even punched one who decided it wasn't good enough to just have his girl back, he also had to get in my face and poke me in the chest with is finger (I'm a pacifist, but if you ever want to make me hostile, poke me in the chest with your finger).

Wait.. you're wait? Hold on a sec, weren't you in the military? Or am I thinking of another person on this board?