Funniest quotes from all time!

[Leah]

Just cuz I wanted to!

Alright, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade - make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager. Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons. Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons. I'm going to to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

Those of you helping us test the repulsion gel today, just follow the blue line on the floor. Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news: bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts

Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice tha lab-boys gave me: [paper rustling] do not get covered in the repulsion gel! We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one and it does not like the human skeleton.

-Cave Johnson from Portal 2

[Cthulhu]

I belive it's: "Funniest quotes OF all time"
Anyway:
"You know what I like more than women? Pornography. Yeah...Because I can get pornography..."-Patton Oswalt

[venomx]

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

GUARD
Halt, who goes there?

KING ARTHUR
It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, soveriegn of all England.

GUARD
Pull the other one

KING ARTHUR
I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and bredth of the land in search for knights who will join me in my court in Camelot. I must speak with your Lord and master.

GUARD
What, Ridden on a horse?

KING ARTHUR
Yes

GUARD
But you're using coconuts

KING ARTHUR
What?

GUARD
You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together!

KING ARTHUR
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land through the kingdom of Mercia ...

GUARD
Where'd you get the coconuts?

KING ARTHUR
Wha, Well, We found them!

[Ed, Ego and Superego]

I found this Steinbeck Quote:
"If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck."

[Leah]

Cave Johnson: Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.


GLaDOS: [Chell and GLaDOS, as a potato, are flying towards Wheatley, into a trap] Aaaah!
GLaDOS: [On a platform, surrounded with spiked stompers] Well, this is the part where he kills us.
Wheatley: This is the part where I kill you!
[On-Screen caption: Chapter 9: The part where he kills you]
Wheatley: [Achievement unlocked: The part where he kills you; This is that part]



Cave Johnson: Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.



Cave Johnson: The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughta stop making these prerecorded messages. That gave me an idea - make more prerecorded messages! I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.

[Raffine]

"I never heard anything like it since the orphanage burned down."

Mark Twain on attending his first opera

[venomx]

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995)



Ace: Excuse me... your b@lls are showing. (thumbs up) Ace: Bumblebee tuna!

[Jack]

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

P. J. O'Rourke

[zombie no.one]

Yogi Berra

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

It gets late early out there.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded.

The future ain't what it used to be.

You can observe a lot just by watching

and when asked by his wife if he would like to be buried or cremated when he died: "I don't know. Surprise me"

[Flangepart]

"You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends under the table." - Kinky Friedman.

[ghouck]

"Is that your nose hair or have you been snorting pubes?"

-Titan Maximum

[indianasmith]

"She's a witch!! She turned me into a  newt!"
"A NEWT??"
"I got better!"

[Killer Bees]

Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:  "Generally, when scary things get scared - not good"

[Trevor]

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

[Cthulhu]

I stabbed your parents to death with a bread knife, and all of the sudden it's MY fault?!


A bit of Fry and Laurie