Heartbroken and Depressed

Flick James · August 04, 2011, 12:20:02 PM

I'm depressed.

I got back recently from a family vacation, taking my wife and two boys to California for their first Disney trip, and to visit family in general. We went to stay with my sister who lives there, and my mother also went along to spend some time with the grandkids and help out and such.

I'm not going to go into details, but things went horribly wrong, and now there is a massive rift between my wife and my side of the family. It is bad. We actually left and stayed in a hotel after only a day staying at my sister's house. It's a long story, and there have been tensions in the family for some time. Ever since my step-father died, my family has been slowly tearing itself apart. My step-father was a great man, and it has become increasing clear since he passed three years ago what a glue he has been for us.

I can't place this all on my wife, but certainly I'm angry with her about some things. At the same I know my family has not been behaving well for a couple of years, and I'm very upset with them. There has been some irreparable damage done this past week and I don't know if my mother will ever have a meaningful relationship with my wife anymore, and how much a relationship she will experience with her grandsons. I love my wife, and I am totally committed to her and my boys. They do take precedence.

Despite the sometimes caustic and often misanthropic posture I adopt on this site, I am actually quite good at making the peace between people, and have done so in my family many times. In this case, however, I think the damage is too severe, and I am so heartbroken over it. My family didn't used to be this way. They have become the dysfunctional mess that I've seen in other families that always made me grateful for what I've had. I am hopeful that with time I will be able to make things better, but my mother is in her 70's and who knows how much time there is? It really tears me apart.

I'm not asking for advice. I'm just venting some rather extreme frustration and sadness. I've seen others do it, and I guess maybe it's just my turn.

Doggett · August 04, 2011, 12:46:32 PM

Sorry to hear it.

I think this is one of those things when you have to wait for it all to blow over.
You may have to take all the blame for your family even if you think/know it's unfair. At least that way your wife will be on your side then perhaps, you can maybe suggest that she may have been in the wrong too...

However, you can't do anything, if you're wife's against you. It important you win her over.

Don't bother what your family think.
I gave up on mine years ago.

Ed, Ego and Superego · August 04, 2011, 12:56:13 PM

I think you are sort of obligated to work it out with your wife, THEN your family can come along later. Thats a lot of people to sort out, and you should get your house in order first.

Good luck!
-Ed

Flick James · August 04, 2011, 12:56:27 PM

Quote from: Doggett on August 04, 2011, 12:46:32 PM
Sorry to hear it.

I think this is one of those things when you have to wait for it all to blow over.
You may have to take all the blame for your family even if you think/know it's unfair. At least that way your wife will be on your side then perhaps, you can maybe suggest that she may have been in the wrong too...

However, you can't do anything, if you're wife's against you. It important you win her over.

Don't bother what your family think.
I gave up on mine years ago.

That's kind of the approach I've most entertained, actually. My sisters I'm not too concerned about. They've been acting like such idiots for the past three years that I've already given up on them to a large degree. It's my mom I'm concerned about. She and my wife have had a mixed relationship thus far. Their personalities and values are just so different. Not better or worse than each other, per se, just different, and as such they've never really bonded much. Friendly, but at an arm's length.

I don't know what the solution is, if there is one. All I know is my commitment to my little unit. There has never been a question about that.

Psycho Circus · August 04, 2011, 01:06:36 PM

Sorry to hear about the problems you're having man. I know there's more to it, in regards to stuff that has probably been said, but I would give it a bit of time (a cooling off period) and then maybe try and get some of the family together to talk things out. Obviously you are committed to your wife and kids, they are your family and your priority first and foremost. You'll find nearly everyone else has a dysfunctional family or one that has problems from time to time, sometimes big, sometimes small and unfortunately you can't choose who you are related to. I would view it basically, that everyone is an adult so they don't necessarily have to get along great but they should at least be mature and civil. Best wishes anyway dude.

Cthulhu · August 04, 2011, 01:18:13 PM

I'm afraid I can't give you any advice...

I can only wish you the best.

The Burgomaster · August 04, 2011, 01:59:02 PM

Sorry to hear about this and I hope everything works out okay. My father's side of the family had a big falling-out after my grandfather died. He owned a 3-family house, where he lived on the top floor, one of my aunt's lived on the second floor, and another aunt lived on the bottom floor. The aunt on the bottom floor died and her husband (not a blood relative - - he married into the family) started saying he owned the house. My father and aunt on the 2nd floor said he didn't own the house. It was my grandfather's, but my uncle had been a veteran and he got a great mortgage for my gradfather through the Veteran's Administration. So, my uncle's name was apparently on all the papers. While everyone was alive, there was a friendly, family understanding about this. But as soon as my grandfather and aunt died, this a***ole uncle whose name was on everything said the house was his and no one could prove otherwise. After that, my dad and aunt on the 2nd floor hardly ever spoke to my uncle again. We also lost touch with his sons (my cousins) for the most part. Really terrible because we were a very close family at one time.

indianasmith · August 04, 2011, 02:27:53 PM

No one can hurt you like those you love.
I think you hve made a wise decision in that your wife and kids ARE your family.
But I would try to maintain, or salvage, some kind of relationship with your mom. You will regret it deeply after she is gone, if you don't.

Best wishes - and prayers - going your way.

bob · August 04, 2011, 02:29:42 PM

I can't really offer any advice, I've never been married and have no kids. I just hope you can work it out. Good Luck.

Mofo Rising · August 04, 2011, 02:34:22 PM

Sorry to hear that, Flick. I also can't offer any advice, other than suggest that there is still hope you can chart your way through a minefield.

Ultimately you can only do what's best for your family and yourself. Our thoughts are with you.

Umaril The Unfeathered · August 04, 2011, 03:30:22 PM

Quote from: Flick James on August 04, 2011, 12:20:02 PM
I'm depressed.

Ever since my step-father died, my family has been slowly tearing itself apart. My step-father was a great man, and it has become increasing clear since he passed three years ago what a glue he has been for us.

I read the rest of your post, Flick, but this thought comes to mind in my own family. I agree 200% that some family members are the glue that holds family together, as you said here.

Prior to their passings, my grandmother and my aunt (sisters by the way) were the glue in my family. Our family could be at war over anything, but would put it aside to come and see my gramms, or my aunt Dottie and things would be better after seeing them over the holiday.

But now that they're both gone, my family has once more seen it's share of a*sholes.

It seems that after such iconic figures in our families pass, it DOES, more often than not, bring out the worst in some family members on an unprecedented scale.

Good luck, dear friend

Umaril

RCMerchant · August 04, 2011, 10:12:43 PM

I heard a saying by Issac Assimov-
"Life is like a chess game,except after checkmate,the game continues." (something like that)

I think everyone has a turning point in our lives-sometimes many of them. But the world keeps on turning.

Things will get better.

Allhallowsday · August 05, 2011, 12:37:05 AM

Hmm. My own mother is 86 and though sometimes sharp as a tack, also apparently demented.

Trevor · August 05, 2011, 01:20:06 AM

Warm hugs and I hope all will come right for you, Flick.

Newt · August 05, 2011, 07:35:21 AM

Quote from: Circus Circus on August 04, 2011, 01:06:36 PM...everyone is an adult so they don't necessarily have to get along great but they should at least be mature and civil.

Once the flames die back, this is often the best anyone can hope for: that all invovled simply accept where evryone stands and decide to 'play nice' for the sake of the whole.

Good luck, Flick. I hope the worst is over for you. Please don't agonise over what you cannot change.