Stuff Your Dad Said To You

[ER]

I was remembering this; what the hell....



"If you don't eat your vegetables, a ghost will steal your mommy."

"You have to do your algebra because algebra teachers need jobs."

"Just because you married him doesn't mean he automatically gets to kiss you."

"You can't out-weird me, I was married to your mother."

"When I was at Columbia I dated this real lovely Portuguese-American girl from Brooklyn, and was totally into her until she told me she used to be demon possessed and had had an exorcism. I kind of went back to the bars after she told me that."

"Yeah, I never had the heart to tell you, but East Germans probably wanted to kill you at one point when you were about eleven."



"I don't think dogs go to Heaven, I think dogs just return to the earth like all of us will."
"But, Dad, Grandma says dogs do go to Heaven and I'll go to Heaven too."
"Oh, well, yeah, that's what I meant to say."



"If your friends all wanted to jump off a bridge, would you push them?"

"You were a stubborn kid and you refused to learn to tell time because you said time made you closer to getting old. You were also a deep kid for thinking something like that."

"Yeah, honey, I guess since they didn't have showers and deodorant back then Jesus maybe would've smelled kind of bad...but it's Easter, so don't think things like that."

"The reason we didn't have cable when you were a kid was because I didn't want you to grow up to be a groupie."

"You had your own bathroom, bedroom and car, so quit telling people you grew up deprived because I wouldn't let you get your ears pierced til you were thirteen. I let you date when you were jail bait, for gosh sakes, but all you ever say is I didn't let you get your damn ears pierced. I think if you murdered drifters you'd be up there on the witness stand explaining you became a serial killer because you were the last girl in your school to get her ears pierced. Hey, I let you have a gun, too!"

"For the love of Christ, I only grounded you, quit acting like I put you in solitary confinement with Hitler's wife."

"Because if you jump out your bedroom window and somehow make it to the pool, I'll close the pool for the rest of the summer, and if you jump out your window and smack on the concrete patio, which you will, I'll still make you go to school even if you're in a wheelchair. That's why you can't try to jump from your bedroom to the pool."

"Our family are mutts. We're not WASPS, we're not WASCS, we're not any one thing, we're so crossbred from all over northern Europe, we're mutts. We're like Tramp. Tramp was cool, though, wasn't he?"

"No, I didn't know you'd just come back from his apartment that day I came home early and invited you to play me chess. Bet I won that game extra easy, didn't I?"

"Because if 'if I say so' isn't a good enough reason, remember, I pay your allowance and can also put you in a school run by nuns."

"Actually, yeah, I think me marrying her does make her your stepmother."

"Growing up I was scared of my father, and I never wanted you to be scared of me. Your grandpa treated my sisters like princesses and me like a lump of cold clay he had a God-given duty to pound into shape."

"My boss should be in the medical books, he's half mouth and half a***ole."

"The secret to life is knowing when to kick butts and when to kiss them."

"You weren't a surprise-baby to us, honey, you were a shock-baby."

"The reason I didn't tell you I was having stents put in my heart was I didn't want to concern you, or listen to you worry over me til I prayed for the sweet release of death. Plus I knew if I told you afterward you couldn't hit me because after all, I'd just had heart surgery."

"You're looking at a man who had the temerity to marry a seventeen-year-old Irish girl. After pulling that off I don't think anything could ever scare me again."

"When you were a kid you asked me why the Easter Bunny and Santa had handwriting that looked so much alike, so I thought fast and told you it was because they both went to the same school."

[Trevor]

My Dad was the scariest person I have ever known - because of his upbringing which was less than ideal - but he was a good man, a great father and a great husband.

I will never forget him confronting my high school teacher - someone who thought the sun rose and set on her - about my supposed bad conduct in class and her complaining that I was unreachable therefore unteachable.

Dad: "That is BS. I have seen Trevor's work, test results and exam results: as far as my wife and I know, he is doing OK."
Dumbass teacher: "Yes, I know but he hardly talks in class, he comes in, does his work and goes. Not sure why but he likes his sports."
Dad: "If Trevor is doing OK - and I know he is - just leave him alone."

Words to live by. 

[Alex]

The only thing mine said that I can remember was: "The more I get to know you, the less I like you."

I've always felt vaguely proud of him not liking me. The feeling was and is, reciprocated.

[Trevor]

The only thing mine said that I can remember was: "The more I get to know you, the less I like you."

What a schmuck for saying that to you 

[Alex]

The only thing mine said that I can remember was: "The more I get to know you, the less I like you."

What a schmuck for saying that to you 

Think I was about 8 or 9 at the time.

[Trevor]

The only thing mine said that I can remember was: "The more I get to know you, the less I like you."

What a schmuck for saying that to you 

Think I was about 8 or 9 at the time.

That makes it even worse.

[Alex]

The only thing mine said that I can remember was: "The more I get to know you, the less I like you."

What a schmuck for saying that to you 

Think I was about 8 or 9 at the time.

That makes it even worse.

My general guide to being a dad is to pretty much not do anything mine did.