SHAKMA
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1990 Quest Entertainment
| | Reviewed by Max Gardner
on 23 June 2002
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- Sam - Christopher Atkins! Our hero. Mortally wounded by Shakma.
- Tracy - Sam's girlfriend. In a film as predictable as this, it was a pleasant surprise to see her mauled to death by Shakma.
- Richard - Condescending jackass. Thankfully it's not long before Shakma throws a beaker of acid in his face.
- Kim - Richard's sister. I am unable to tell if she is a little kid or an old woman. Either way, she seems to be suffering from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and it's disturbing as hell whenever someone refers to her as an "attractive young woman."
- Brad - A horrible, slimy, unpleasant excuse for a human being. Shakma rips his throat out.
- Gary - Student who spends most of his time wandering around aimlessly. Shakma mangles him.
- Sorenson - Roddy McDowall! Professor and game master. He squints a great deal, until Shakma rips his face off.
- Laura - Richard's horrible girlfriend. I think her snide remarks are supposed to be funny.
- Shakma - Rabid baboon loose in the medical center. Sam tricks him into jumping into the incinerator.
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Professor Sorenson and his team of medical school jackasses plan a role-playing session after hours in the school building. The game doesn't appear to have any particular rules, nor a goal of any sort. The students wander from room to room spouting role-playing stereotypes like "I found the amulet!" and "I've got the clue and I'm going to go try it out on the wizard." Little do these hapless wastes of flesh know that Shakma, a baboon whose aggression has been heightened by cruel scientific experiments, is loose in the building.
"Shakma" has a lot going for it. A rabid baboon killing horrible people is inherently entertaining. Shakma himself prances around with a supremely egomaniacal expression on his face. He does nothing but chase the students into various rooms throughout the building, whereupon he screeches and throws himself repeatedly against the door until he gets bored. I cannot even begin to describe how much doors piss Shakma off. He absolutely hates the things. Brad is the first to go, followed by Richard, whose presence in this movie completely baffled me. He wants to play the game, but he has a date, so he sits around and does nothing, hoping to bring the game to an early end. Why the hell is he playing in the first place? Sorenson, investigating the disappearances, is next on Shakma's menu. The survivors soon realize something is amiss, and they...well, I'm not really even sure what the hell they're trying to do, but it involves running from Shakma, letting him attack the door for a few minutes, then LEAVING THE ROOM once he goes away. Good God, just stay inside the room where the baboon can't get you. I wouldn't want any of these people operating on me.
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Mice can be trained to attack militant feminists.
- Hydrochloric acid immediately melts through human flesh.
- You can unlock doors in a medical school by means of a hastily programmed computer game.
- When you're killed, any homing devices on your person will stop transmitting.
- Baboons operate under roughly the same kinetic principles as a superball.
- Throwing forks at a car is not an effective way to get the driver's attention.
- The "Weapons Bonus" scroll is ineffective against an enraged baboon.
- Baboons are not good electrical conductors.
- Med students are despicable idiots.
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- 3 mins - Of all the fake computer operating systems used in movies, this is the worst. It even makes random beeping noises, because I guess that's what computers do.
- 7 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TABLE!
- 13 mins - That is a difficult question.
- 23 mins - Brad is so damn sleazy right now it's frightening.
- 28 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BIRD CAGE!
- 33 mins - If I had a goofy-looking red ass I'd be pissed off too.
- 44 mins - Shakma demonstrates his profound hatred of closed doors.
- 45 mins - The entire wall just moved when Sam threw himself against the door.
- 46 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A WALL!
- 48 mins - He's lying in a pool of his own blood and he has no face! You don't have to check his pulse!
- 55 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A COMPUTER!
- 59 mins - RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BIOLOGY LAB!
- 71 mins - I'd throw forks at her just for listening to that music.
- 85 mins - Don't put the phone down, you moron.
- End Credits - "...and TYPHOON as SHAKMA"
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- Richard: "We'll go back to your place and discuss, maybe, primitive mating rituals. Maybe?"
Laura: "You've been around these monkeys too long."
- Sam: "Game master, I'm in room 208 and I've collected an amulet, and I'm requesting a key to continue my quest in room 210, over."
- Sam: "Sit! Stay, Shakma, stay!"
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