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CAUTION:
You are about to enter territory that is likely to be rife with tasteless college humor that shall possibly melt away your IQ.  It is therefore requested that you chase visits to this thread with splashes of high end literature.  Might I recommend Infinite Jest, Moby Dick, or Pride and Prejudice? 

Anyway, you probably know the drill by reading the topic title.

The hospital I work at is home to some of the greatest, most epic fart stories ever told:

I have come to refer to the seventh and eighth floor collectively as "Code Brown Town."  This is due to the fact that these are the areas that people are most likely to have surprise bowel movements, and as you can imagine they smell very ripe.  I'm on the eighth, about to get onto the transport elevators with a stretcher, and the next thing I know I have this bad stomachache.  I stand there for a minute, listen down the hall for anyone coming, and cut a rank one.  The elevator chimes, signifying that one has just arrived, and I think, "God, I hope no one's on there."  One of my fellow transporters, a fairly cute girl, steps off the elevator and says, "God, it always stinks on this floor."  I jetted onto the car as quickly as possible and hit the buttons faster than I could think.  Of course, I laughed all the way down.

Another guy cut a very quiet one in an ICU room while the nurse was getting a patient ready to transfer him upstairs.  The transporter stood off to the back and waited with his best poker face.  All of the sudden, the nurse gets an ugly look on her face and says, "Dammit, he just had a bowel movement and I just got done cleaning him up."  The transporter tried not to laugh while she flipped the guy over to check his butt. 

I too work in a hospital and know of the smells it brings.

Theres a stairwell right next to my office and it proves to be farting central for many people in my department.  Though hardly anyone admits it.  I choose to do it there if I have a real ripper coming on.  I love the way it echoes up the 3 flights of empty stairs. 

I usually fart much more in the morning and they're usually silent and ripe.   It kind of works out simply because I eat eggs with my breakfast.  I have blamed more hard boiled eggs on farts than one man should. 

Probably the best fart story I can tell though is based around my father.  My dad's farts were always epic in nature and were easily distinguishable by sound.  One day we walked into a store.  My father said, "I'm gonig to go in the back to check something out."  Seconds later we heard a massive fart coming from the back of the store.  My mother and I start laughing because we knew who it was.  Seconds after that my dad comes around the corner with a goofy smile on his face.   That story always makes me smile when I think of it.

Well, I was once in a journalism class in college, with an admirable and equally obnoxious professor in a wheelchair.  The classroom did not have very many students in it, and just myself and this hang-dog character sat on the left side of the classroom, he was just to my left, a student who never participated, and kept his hair-in-his-face head down through most of the classes.  One day, I felt one coming on, which I figured I could squeeze out real slow and quiet-like.  OOPS!!   :buggedout:  
BLLAAARRTTT!!!
Man!  That was Luh-LOUD!!  The professor shot her head around, glaring at me, while I sunk lower in my seat, hiding my head in my book, my face burning, but turning my head to the mope, as if he'd done the deed... and the professor turned from me to him and gave him the dirtiest look while he continued to slouch...  
:bouncegiggle:  Afterall, I was her favorite and it must have been the slouch!!   :bouncegiggle:  
I still laugh at that... and turn red with embarrassment.  

* When I was a teenager I let one go and my best friend said, "You have the stinkingest farts I ever met."

* Shortly after I met my wife we were at her apartment one night eating Chinese food.  I released a fart so putrid that she had to open the window and stick her head outside . . . in the middle of a blizzard.  But she married me anyway.  And that, my friends, is LOVE.

* One morning a few winters ago I was snow blowing the driveway.  I was wearing light gray sweat pants.  I got a stomach ache and farted.  Eventually, my wife came to the door, looked at me, and said, "Did you s**t your pants?"  I took a peek and saw a dark wet patch on the butt of my sweat pants (and I suppose all my neighbors walking or driving by going to work or school saw it too).  I suppose I felt the moisture after I farted but I was probably hoping I was just wet from all the snow . . .


  

Babies I find realease some of the loudest farts known to mankind.  My middle baby Alex was being fed by my wife when he was about a month old and no lie, he let a fart that I swear lasted over 10 seconds.  I, half asleep at the time, poked my head up and asked my wife if that was her.  She confirmed it was the baby.

Farts are funny because of the social discomfort associated with them: we laugh because of the incongruity of fart and context and because the tension just cannot be maintained.  It's all about release.   :wink:

(Warning: This might be one of those "you had to be there" moments.  I apologise if the humour in it is less accessible to others.)

My youngest brother died unexpectedly several years back, under circumstances that made his death even more stressful for the family than it would naturally have been.  My husband and I drove to the funeral; about 700 miles.

My dad and my brother had been very close.  It became very important to my dad that someone take care of my brother's beloved dog.  An elderly, half-blind, deaf, arthritic, grouchy Dalmatian with digestive issues.  It was February and the airlines would not take a dog in cold weather...and as we were the only ones who had come in a car we ended up being the only option.

We drove home through the blackest night with that dog on her blankets in the back seat.  One shot, through northern Wisconsin and Michigan to Canada, in February, with ALL the windows down - in February - because the dog was smoking us out every few minutes.  In February.  Something on the order of eleven hours with a dog farting away in the back seat (some were silent-but-deadly, others she ripped off like a Texan trucker at a chili contest...and stink - guaranteed to peel paint at fifty paces!) with all the windows wide open; in February.  Oh: and she had to have frequent potty stops too.   :lookingup:  This became one of the most hysterically funny situations we have been in - more so because the emotions had already been torqued so high and we were punchy from lack of sleep.  Every time that animal cut one we groaned and collapsed in laughter, tears running down our faces, flying down the highways toward home with the windows open.  In February.  The situation was just 'too much'.  Just thinking about it, even now, dissolves us in fits of laughter.

We got through customs in record time, as I recall.  Man, that dog stank.

(Epilogue: the dog had a very happy year with us, a better life than she might have had, learning to be a dog on a farm before she had to be euthanized when she developed a rapidly-growing tumour.  So I guess it was worth a few hours of discomfort.)

Oh Newt!  That's the sweetest fart story I ever heard!  It literally brought a tear to my eye.

During Confirmation class at our church my sister's best friend cut the cheese, boldly blaming the outcast from our class. He was the kind of boy not dressed well and not very much into personal hygiene. Plus he always had a runny nose with visible green bubble snot, and one of his nostrils always had a crusty ring of dried boogers.
Our Teacher was a very enthusiastic pastor in his late 40s dressed in black with a weird, gigantic and ready-to-pop pimple on his forehead. He also had a temper and would occasionally "lose" it during class, resulting into screaming madman rage fits.
After my sister's friend blamed the outcast for farting our pastor lost it again, giving him a hysteric lecture on behavior in class. After that he was send outside for 15 minutes. His revenge after class was chasing my sister's friend with, you might have guessed it, his finger dipped in snot.

True that. My 2-month-old let's out some farts of such volume as to make a frat boy jealous. My 2 1/2 year old laughs hysterically every time.

My month old daughter is a big time farter.  Never burps...just farts.  Very unlady like.

Wow, DS.  She's a month old already?

Well then, they can get together for a fart-off. I'll bring the beer. You like Coors Light, yes?

My fiancee and I walked out of her old apartment and she let a loud one go.  The neighbor looked immediately in our direction, and my fiancee got embarrassed.

She said, "Joe!"

I said, "Sorry."

At one of my old jobs I had to resist the urge to fart in my boss's face.

She was around 60 years old, had short bright red curly hair, and always talked to me in a condescending tone.  One time she had pulled me into her office and was giving me a written warning (because I had screwed up while verifying a sale), I seriously considered getting up and ripping a big fart right in her face.
She's sitting down and going on about this and that and all I could think about was how she'd react to my fart and me getting fired and escorted off the premises.  I was laughing inside,   :teddyr:

I was really going to do it, too.  But chickened out at the last moment.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

Ash, I'm not on speaking terms with my boss at the moment: so please come and drop one here for me.  :smile:

My farts are known to be classed in the 'silent but violent' category.  :buggedout:

Works for me good sir.   :thumbup:

I recall my mother saying once that she let a huge fart out after taking a nap.  This was during the time we were having an addition put on so there was a lot of echoing.  Little did she know, the contractors had long since returned from their lunch break and heard everything.  She said she hid until they left. 

My brother was telling me about one he let out in the middle of his junior high English class.  It didn't sound like a fart, but rather made a high-pitched BOOOOO-WUP!  The entire class looked all over for the source of the sound, not once thinking my brother had cut one.

I always like using the joke "that went over like a fart in church" whenever I say something in a group that results in silent stares.

Trevor, I've found throughout my 18 years of living if farting turns white undies brown, generally you have just experienced something (much) more powerful than a fart.*




*Especially if the front of the underwear turns brown, too.

My fart story...

I walk... I fart.

I move... I fart.

I sit... I fart.

Gee all I do is fart.

English class.
Not a fly's buzzing can be heard.
I think: f**k this; and I fart.
Loudly.

It was most satisfying.

Was that a Haiku?

Story #1
Recently the Vice President of the factory I work in, a really big, condescending, egomaniac (he wears extra-thick-soled shoes to look taller), came into the break room while I was on lunch.  I'm sitting at the next table over from the vending machine.  He gets something -- a Kit Kat or a Three Musketeers bar, I think -- and when he bends down to get it out of the slot, his rear is pointed right at me, and I think to myself, "Please don't fart while I'm eating..."

And then the wave of stink hit me. 

Story #2:
I used to date a girl who had been raised on a farm, and to her farting was no big deal.  Frequently if we were driving in her car, I'd hear the window locks click and a soft, evil chuckle from her as she cracked one off.  The first night we slept in the same bed, just as I'm drifting off to sleep, I suddenly feel her shift and the blanket gets pulled over my head as she Dutch Oven'd me. 

one time I was at a taco Bell, I had two bean burritos and a steak quesodea  and then, with out warning, I burped and farted at the same time! LOUD AS WELL! :bouncegiggle: :teddyr:

This one is more in line with the stoy about the babies a few posts up.

Way back when she was around 2, my cousin Christie was being held by her grams-a-ma, and as she was babbling in her little baby talk, she let out a very loud blast, that I would up getting the blame for, as my grams yelled at me.

I tried to tell her it wasn't me until I was blue in the face, but to no avail. And then
Christie told her herself, in a combination of baby English and straight words that made everyone crack up.  Not only that but the same day she picked up my Sega CD game (Iron Storm) and threw it and broke it. So it was a nice trip back to Electronics Boutique for another disc!  Kids...... :buggedout:

One time when I was in sixth grade, we were all doing a spelling test. Now, everyone was quiet and focused on their work, as was I.

Then.....without warning......

BWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRTTTTT!!!!!

It startled everyone and it had one of my old friends dying with laughter.

Another time, I was in tenth grade. Usually before the 8 o'clock bell rang, a several amount of students would hang out in one of the english rooms. I was talking with one of my friends there at the moment.

........Then, the urge came.......

Unknowing that it would be the equivalent of dropping a nuclear bomb, I decided to release it silently so that no one would hear. Nobody did. Two seconds later, everyone was gagging and choking. Somebody yelled: "Good God! Who did that?!", and that was my que to run out of there.

Not much of a story, really.  Nearly every day I hear the post-colonoscopy patients in my ward blasting away so hard I would swear they'd poop out their intestines.

I find laughing farts are the best.  I mean you're already laughing so you loose control and fart thus making you laugh even harder.  I recall one incident of this at the library in my high school.  Me and another kid were goofing off while researching a paper and I farted after he cracked a joke.  It still makes me laugh til this day when I think about it.