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Author Topic: Worst fist-time viewings of 2013  (Read 5299 times)
claws
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« on: December 31, 2013, 07:51:40 AM »

Post your worst first-time viewings of 2013, regardless of year of making.



1. Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010) ~ yes, this was the worst in a technical sense, but the badness to me was hilarious.



2. Spiders (2013) ~ this was like the worst-worst, hardly any redeeming fun cheese.



3. Tape 407 (2012) ~ Found footage meets Carnosaur. Incredibly bad, but with a few unintentional fun moments.



4. Creature (2011) ~ Very dull, very sleazy, very misogynistic - attributes usually found in '70s Grindhouse cinema. Gets points for that.



5. The Apparition (2012) ~ Bland supernatural atrocity. Saving grace: the ending is a riot.



6. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011) ~ Whatever made the first one fun you won't find here. Saving grace: Nicolas Cage's antics.



7. Storage 24 (2012) ~ Visually neat, but below average B-Monster fare. Saving grace: CGI-free monster.



8. The Butterfly Effect 2 (2006) ~ This plays more out like a made-for-cable '90s production. Saving grace: can't remember.



9. Paranormal Activity 4 (2012) ~ Surprisingly average cam-chills. Saving grace: jump scares.



10. Texas Chainsaw (2013) ~ Lazy sequel to the original, changing horror history with a flimsy plot device. Saving grace: Leatherface.

Honorable mention:

Moon 44 (1990) ~ Blatant Aliens ripoff. Saving grace: unintentional funny homoerotic undertones.

Also watched:

Mutant Man (1996) ~ Silly cannibalistic backwoods-terror. Saving grace: Texas Chainsaw Massacre references.
Super Shark (2011) ~ Charming, in a 1950s B-Monstermovie sort of way.
The Lonely Lady (1983) ~ Glossy Pia Zadora cheese.
Monster (1980) ~ Dreadfully dull.
Where the Boys Are '84 (1984) ~ The "thinking girl's" Spring Break, minus the thinking.
Konga (1961) ~ Campy-fun.
Ghost Chase (1987) ~ Unfunny comedy-mess.
Amphibious (2010) ~ Exotic and B-tastic.
Damned by Dawn (2009) ~ Dull "Evil Dead" Fanfilm.
Hypothermia (2010) ~ Wannabe ambitious.
Psycho from Texas (1975) ~ Overlooked Grindhouse-fun.
Skatetown, U.S.A. (1979) ~ The weakest of the 1977-1980 disco movies.
Yongary, Monster from the Deep (1967) ~ Stupid but fun.
The Ghostmaker (2011) ~ Zero budget, high ambitions. Didn't work out fully.

Most overrated: Sharknado (2013)
Most underrated: Honeymoon (1985)
The "What the hell did I just watch?" Award goes to: F.A.R.T.: The Movie (1991) and Bits and Pieces (1985)
The "Rest in Cheese" Award goes to: Anna Nicole Smith in Skyscraper (1996) and David Carradine in Dinocroc vs. Supergator (2010)








« Last Edit: January 01, 2014, 06:58:46 AM by claws » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2013, 08:44:27 AM »

This year's hall of shame:

DEAD BALL (2011) - Japanese baseball gore comedy

PHANTOM FROM SPACE (1953) - Forgettable alien visitor flick

THE EMBALMER (1965) - Forgettable early giallo

THE GUY FROM HARLEM (1977) - Community theater blaxploitation

RETARD-O-TRON III (2013) - Sick gross-out mixtape

CONTAMINATION .7 (1993) -  Killer trees

KARATE KIDS USA (1979) - Dopey kids action film

ALIEN PARANORMAL: BIGFOOT, UFOS AND THE MEN IN BLACK (2013) - Scrapped TV pilot pretending to be a documentary

NIGHT FRIGHT (1967) -  If this was a little more polished, you'd swear it was Larry Buchanan

A NOISY DELIVERY (2013) - Experimental performance art/noise music film; unwatchable
 
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bob
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« Reply #2 on: December 31, 2013, 09:35:15 AM »

Godzilla (1998) 0/5 - avoid!  Hatred

Howard the Duck (1986) 0/5 - one of the worst movies I've ever seen

Casino Royale (1967) 0.5/5 - manages to waste a great cast in  this so-called spoof

An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn (1997) 0/5  Hatred

The Coca-Cola Kid (1985) 0/5 - there is nothing of value in this movie

Salvation Boulevard (2011) 0/5 - this has a good cast and good acting but I'm not really sure what the point of this movie is. I wasn't lost while watching it so much as wondering why it was made.

Steel (1997)  0.5/5 - this is basically a very bad version of Iron Man
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« Reply #3 on: December 31, 2013, 09:56:45 AM »

Curse of Bigfoot (1976) - incredibly boring, terribly written dialogue, I'm amazed that I managed to make it to the end.

Flesh Wounds (2011) - Kevin Sorbo in one of the most retarded Predator ripoffs I've ever seen.  Even with a babe in a tight tank top co-starring I could still barely stomach this thing.

Terror in the Jungle (1968) - little kid wanders around the jungle for what seems like 8 hours.

Life Returns (1935) - dull rubbish about a surgeon who's a horrible father, but mostly about his kid who hangs out with a Little Rascals type gang.

The Broken (2008) - horribly banal Invasion of the Body Snatchers...thing.

Country Blue (1973) - idiot does idiotic things for 90 minutes.  I could smell the BO right through the TV screen.

The Picture of Dorian Gray (1973) - couldn't even finish this.  Agonizingly boring.  Made on a $50 budget, or at least that's what it looked like.

Grim (1995) - completely undeveloped characters slowly wander through a cave, talking about meaningless crap forever and ever.

Alien 2: On Earth (1980) - people drive around in a Jeep Wagoneer, go bowling, and eventually climb down into a cave where they shine their flashlights on a bunch of stalactites and stalagmites.  Accompanied by roller boogie music.

Most overrated movie:  Sharknado.  The Asylum's most famous shark movie is also the worst one they've ever made.
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« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2013, 10:28:42 AM »

I also agree with the votes for SHARKNADO as "most overrated."
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The Burgomaster
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« Reply #5 on: December 31, 2013, 11:17:02 AM »

When I saw the topic, "fist-time," I thought this thread would be about something else.  I'm glad it's just a typo . . .

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« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2013, 11:18:10 AM »

Star Trek Into Darkness (2013) ~ Just way too much going on in the movie for me to sit down and truly enjoy it. All that stood out for me were the parts that they screwed up on, namely KHAAAN himself. That, and the utterly pointless first act with the tribe and the volcano. Saving grace: Peter Weller's triumphant return to the big screen in a blockbuster as a bad guy! That and the blonde hottie in a bikini, her name is not important.

Fast and the Furious 6 (2013) ~ It's like a Saturday morning cartoon show, complete with all the cheesy one-liners, lame humor, and things going BOOM! It wasn't even bad enough to be good. The "family" angle came off as retarded, The Rock liked to jump off of fast moving vehicles and not even get a scratch when he hit the ground, Vin Diesel pulled an entire cartridge in pristine condition out of his shoulder; it couldn't have been a bullet because it was way too big for that tiny sidearm that Michelle Rodriguez was sporting, and if you're not interested in souped-up rice cars then the main driving point of this movie will mean absolutely nothing to you. Saving grace: I honestly can't think of one. I walked out of it about halfway through.

Now You See Me (2013) ~ The opening heist/magic show scene was beyond silly; it became even sillier when they explained how they did it, in that the chances of the heist/trick actually working as planned depended way too much on blind luck and destiny playing out exactly as they hoped that it would, not as they planned that it would. The cockiness of our magician criminal masterminds came off as irritating, which is counterproductive because you know that you're supposed to be cheering them on, not wanting to punch each one of them in the face. The part where the cop hears the trigger word "bulls**t" and starts playing the imaginary violin was so retarded because just earlier the other cop said in the same room as the violin cop that "Despite their bullsh*t Robin Hood razzle-dazzle, your magicians are nothing more than common thieves", so why didn't the cop start playing the violin then? The "twist" at the end of the film was so stupid that I very nearly walked out of the movie. Saving grace: Isla Fisher! I've been in love with this little hottie since Wedding Crashers (2005). They were smart to cast this fine piece of tail, if only to give us something to look at for two hours.
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« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2013, 12:01:31 PM »

AFTERSHOCK (2012) - Detestable dreck, most annoying characters ever.

DON'T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT (1973) - Amateurish nonsense that goes on forever.

PISTOL WHIPPED (2008) - Steven Segal running out of steam, the definition of formulaic.

DEADLY BLESSING (1981) - Forgettable. Did nothing to challenge my theory that the only Wes Craven film worth seeing is LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT.

SILENT HOUSE (2012) - The horror movie equivalent of a twitter update.

WHITE LIGHTNIN' (2009) - Tried to be deep but stereotypical characters and self-important atmosphere made it a bore.

SPECIES 2 (1998) - No.

SPECIES 3 (2004) - No, no.

SPECIES 4 (2007) - No, no, no no no, no no no no, no no.
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« Reply #8 on: December 31, 2013, 12:04:33 PM »

Definitely Star Trek Into Darkness. Overblown rehash of Star Trek 2 and Star Trek 6, with action sequences that stretch until you want to scream.

Redeeming quality: Peter Weller as Admiral Marcus.
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« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2013, 07:01:56 PM »

Prometheus - proof that the movie should have been all Ridley Scott with no input from the Lost guy.
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« Reply #10 on: December 31, 2013, 07:34:26 PM »

Oh boy, where can I start? I saw a good batch of horrible movies in 2013. Here goes...

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972) - Jesus, this was horrific, definitely the worst Christmas film I've ever seen. Most of the footage is from a completely unrelated Thumbelina movie to pad out length, and the Ice Cream Bunny has one of the most downright creepiest looking costumes I've seen, the kind of one that pedophiles would wear. 1/10
The Skydivers (1964) - A MST3K classic. I admit the skydiving scenes were pretty entertaining, but everything else was as dull as sin with a stupid storyline and idiotic dialogue. Well done Coleman Francis. 3/10
Beast of Yucca Flats (1961) - Another Coleman Francis flick with Tor Johnson (of Ed Wood fame) in the lead role. I didn't notice a big difference about him after his "transformation", he still looked somewhat "normal". The "strangling" scenes were incredibly unconvicing and he just sort of stumbles around the place aimlessly. Was a hoot on MST3K though, and what was with that completely unrelated strangulation scene at the beginning? 2/10
Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008) - OMFG, I couldn't even make it through the entire thing. The first half was extremely painful with the terribly-written and cliche love story. The animated GIF birds looked truly pathetic and laughable, I decided at that point though I couldn't take much more. "Turdemic: Schlock and Terrible" is a more accurate title. 1/10
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« Reply #11 on: December 31, 2013, 07:51:18 PM »

Worst Movie Of All Time

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akiratubo
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« Reply #12 on: January 01, 2014, 06:14:16 AM »

Star Trek Into Darkness.

Like I said in the other recent thread about this movie: Watching it is like having someone scream in your face for two hours.
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« Reply #13 on: January 01, 2014, 10:37:31 AM »

Curse of Bigfoot (1976) - incredibly boring, terribly written dialogue, I'm amazed that I managed to make it to the end.

Aww, this is one of my favorite mish-mash movies, right up there with They Saved Hitler's Brain. Take pointless intro shot nearly 20 years after the original footage, glue them together and -- Ta-DA! a movie...kinda. Oh, and let's not forget the thick, swirled purple-looking blood.

Terror in the Jungle (1968) - little kid wanders around the jungle for what seems like 8 hours.

Another personal favorite. I've told people about this movie for years, and no one has seen it, and no one believes it is real, but it is. The whole group of folks on the plane prior to the crash is worth your time. And check out the "natives" while you are at it.

Grim (1995) - completely undeveloped characters slowly wander through a cave, talking about meaningless crap forever and ever.

I agree with this one. Cool monster, though it looks like Rawhead Rex's and Nightbeast's (the Don Dohler movie) child. And they keep walking through the same basic tunnels in the cave if I remember correctly. At least they focused on the characters. Unfortunately, the characters are not that interesting.

My pick of worst first-viewing would have to be Man Of Steel. Way too long, insultingly stupid, endless scenes of massive destruction that are shrugged off without even an "Oops" from Sups, on and on. Awful. I think the scene that broke me finally was when the 3 people from The Daily Planet are all happy, and the lady says, dreamily, "He saved us!" And the camera pans around to show a city the size of New York City leveled all around them. I didn't know whether to laugh or shred the disc.
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« Reply #14 on: January 01, 2014, 12:37:42 PM »

Paranormal Activity 4 - Never had the chance to feel any sympathy for the characters at all. Just wanted them all to die slowly.
Bell Witch Haunting - Made me even more angrier than PA 4...even though I gotta admit it was funny at times.
Texas Chainsaw - Could not believe how stupid some of these people behave.
Zero Dark Thirty - Boring as f**k. And I really hate Jessica Chastain
Mama - See above
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