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Author Topic: OT: Some advice needed (concerns a girl)  (Read 10578 times)
daveblackeye15
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« on: June 07, 2005, 12:19:45 PM »

You don't need to tell me that you guys are not those advice people in the newspaper, and that this is a bad movie site not some Soap Opera show but I would like some advice.

In one of my classes there is a girl that i developed a crush on. I had trouble talking to her unless we worked together, so it took a lot will power to start a causaul talk with her outside of working. I finally stopped trying to be her boyfriend and tried being her friend. Fast forward to now and we're friends. We work together quite a bit, I'm going to invite her to my Eagle Cermony, she's invited me and my family to a barbaque this saturday. So I guess I doing all right. Here's a slight problem (well concern) I've been getting the urge to tell her my feelings, she doesn't have a boyfriend at the moment but I think there is a slight risk that'd I'd loose her completely (doubt but) It was the advice of somebod that said "If you're too wishy washy about this then you don't deserve each other" SO I'm now determined to try harder.  

So far the advice I've gotten has been from Girls around my age, women around my mom's age (my mom included) and guys at my age. My dad died several years ago so I havn't heard much from the eyes of Adult Males so I thought "Try Bad Movies. org there's quite a few married men there they might give you something to think about" (note I don't mind if Susan or a guy my age gives me their two cents) This is the first time I've every felt this way for another person so I'm full of questions and uncertainty.

So do you guys think I should tell her while she doesn't have a boyfriend or try getting closer still?

If Andrew feels this is inapprotie then do your duty and delete it and I apologize.



Post Edited (06-07-05 12:20)
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odinn7
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« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2005, 12:48:56 PM »

Dave,
I'm really the last one that should give advice on something like this as I was not all that good with girls when I was your age (as I got older I got bolder).  I did want to tell you that I understand what you're going through and I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

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Neville
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« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2005, 12:52:14 PM »

I'd tell her ASAP, before you become more "crushed" with her, but make sure to find the right moment, of not being too blunt (they hate that) or that she believes the let's-be-friends thing was just a strategy to get closer to her, she could feel hurt.

Hey, I didn't say it would be easy. Good luck!

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Master Blaster
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« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2005, 12:54:26 PM »

You should look for signals. If a girl is interested in being more than friends they have a tendancy to drop subtle hints like staring in your eyes when you talk to them, making excuses to touch you on the arm and such, using any and every opportunity to spend time with you, etc. If that stuff isnt there than you run the risk of being the creepy friend that hit on them once. But don't take crushes too seriously. If you're both really young she may not even be ready for that sort of thing. Better yet make friends with all the girls in class. That'll give you a chance to see which ones actually do like you and you'll have your pick. Even if none of them are into you "romantically" you'll have a bunch of new friends, and by knowing lots of girls opportunities to meet even more girls. Why chase one when you can chase them all? : )
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Georgie Boy
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« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2005, 01:38:13 PM »

Master B has great advise here.  Your best bet at this time may be to make friends with the other young ladies with whom you come into contact.  Be friendly, say hello and use their first name.  DO NOT speak ill of them behind their back, even when tempted to by the other guys.

I guarantee that this will pay huge dividends.  You will have a steady stream of dates and girlfriends.  Then you should have enough experience with girls that when you go off to college, you'll have a jump on the other horn dogs.

Trust in the force, Luke.
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AndyC
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« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2005, 03:27:29 PM »

Pretty common problem, figuring out how to get a girl who likes you to like you in "that way." I used to spend quite a bit of time second-guessing myself with women, and trying to find some "safe" way to test the waters. Doesn't work. In fact, the more cautious and subtle you try to be, the worse you're likely to appear.

Communication is what works. I didn't have any success until I stopped giving a damn what impression I was making and just started laying my cards on the table. Don't drop hints about what you want, and don't try to guess what she wants. Tell her, ask her. Chances are, she'll appreciate it. Be honest, communicate, and she's likely to either remain your friend, but with a better understanding of you, or return your affection. If you lose her entirely, then you probably never would have gotten her.

Secretly longing for her is, no doubt, uncomfortable for you, and eventually, the friendship will become more uncomfortable for her as well. Better to be up-front with each other, and either move forward with the relationship or direct your search elsewhere.

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« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2005, 03:55:20 PM »

Women are much more intuitive at reading signals than men (I am sorry if that in any way seems stereotyped). Since you are going to a barbeque with her, if there is another woman whom you feel you can trust and will be at the barbeque as well, tell her how you feel about the girl and ask her for some input from watching the two of you together as to whether she feels the girl likes you enough to be more than friends.

Another thing to do is simply ask the girl. Rather than hinting around the issue with things like 'do you want to go to the movies', which is liable to develop your crush further while she may still think of you as just friends and just end up hurting you in the long run, just simply ask her that since she is not dating somebody right now if she would like to date you, or be your girlfriend, or however you would prefer to put it. If she says no, it is simply no and does not mean 'gag, puke, no, never'; it just simply may mean 'not at this time'.

If she says no, just simply accept it as no and respond with 'okay' or something like that. Being that it was just a question, she answered it one way or another. The worst thing you can do if she says no is to inquire as to why. If she has a reason to tell you she will. Whether or not she accepts, she may well feel flattered. Of course she can always say yes.

If you have developed such a crush that you have to know, it is best to find out now than later. If you are good friends, there is no harm in asking. If you let it carry on until you develop a deeper crush, you are more likely to be hurt should she say no and it could hurt your friendship. Asking now would be best, and should she say no it will at least put the idea in her mind that you like her and she could well ask you at a later time (but don't get your hopes up).

Again, she could say yes.

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h.p. Love
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« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2005, 05:56:54 PM »

I have an ongoing thing similar to your situation. I'm confortable with where we're at and she's really cool so, no complaints. I'm probably 14 years older than you but things don't change all that much. They do but they don't. Can't explain it.

Here's a few things to ponder:

1. Does she talk to you about other guys, as in does she tell you who she likes and why? Or is it more like she tells you what she doesn't like? Which one are you like? (I admit I'm still not sure which one is best in every situation.) It is usually better to here what she likes, which can be a subtle hint.

2. The signals, man. Would you say you have a physical aspect when you're joking around and stuff? Does she touch you or push you if you make her laugh?

3. Think about what you usually talk about. That'll give you some hints.

4. Ultimately, don't think about 1-3 too much. I'd say tell her. Do it in a meaningful way BUT in a small way too. It's an extreme example, but a dozen roses and a sappy poem would freak her out. Do it when you have some privacy and are feeling comfortable. A quiet moment. You may feel funny but mention some of the things you like about her in different areas.

Make sure your chores are done too. ;)
(I'm pretty sure an Eagle Scout (congrats) would already be doing that though)
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Scottie
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« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2005, 06:00:02 PM »

I'm 19, and I met my current girlfriend of two years at a party where I had never actually talked to her before. We ended up with her because I was honest, outgoing, fun to be around, and expressed some sort of intelligence. Since you can appreciate bad movies it's obvious you got the intelligence down, so being honest and a little bold will be your left and right hand men. Having fun and being comfortable around her will show her your commitment level; women like a man who is willing to spend time, effort, and a little bit of money on them. Try buying her something she likes - jewelry, a CD with a song you at one time enjoyed together, or something that will remind her of you when she sees it (don't be egotistical and buy a snowglobe with your face in it or anything like that). Going some place together and spending time that secures emotional attachments is a sure way to create a bond. Again, be honest and talk about life, the universe... you know, everything. A hike with a sit in a quiet place is good. So is a beach if you're near that. Take a cue from the movies and plan ahead for a sunset. Magic hour really is something special.

Movies are good for dates for a number of reasons, my favorite being Bela Lugosi's as quoted in the movie "Ed Wood:"

"Take a girl to a scary movie. If you want to make out with a young lady, take her to see "Dracula"."

This is theory from a psychological and physiological perspective. Physiologically, the movies is likely to increase the heart rate, and an increased heart rate is good for you. It takes care of the work of getting worked up (or as a general, nonsexual term "aroused") so now all you have to do is replace the fearful emotion with a more loving emotion. Trust me, it sounds farfetched, but it's both scientifically tested, and practical (I've tried it, and man does it work) When it gets scary and both your hearts are racing, reach for her hand. Bridge the scary gap with physical contact and turn that fear into love. Man, that works every time.

If you're up to it, a more advanced trick would be the jealousy test. Start talking about another girl and gauge her reaction. If she shows hints of jealousy it can mean 1.) she's interested in you and your commitment to her, or 2.) she's possessive

Most important and always a rule of thumb, don't make your objective her. If it's just the idea of being with her, I'd reconsider. However, if you honestly have tons of fun together, go for it. Listen to her and how she reacts.

Hey, everyone's got love advice. Listen to what you feel comfortable doing. Be yourself.

-Scottie-

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BeyondTheGrave
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« Reply #9 on: June 07, 2005, 07:14:19 PM »

Too much talking about feelings...... I don't comprehend. I mean I get chicks like a ROCK STAR. Typical convesation between me and a girl:

Girl: Hey is that a leather jacket, Ohh you must be a rebel.
Rock and Roll Rich: dam right, you want go do it in the back of my Buick
Girl: Ok.

See no problem at all. (Cough)

But seriously, I say just go for it, ask if she says no aleast you know you tried. Everyone here has given pretty good advice. I have asked girls who were friends that said no and well were still friends.

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Post Edited (06-07-05 19:15)
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h.p. Love
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« Reply #10 on: June 07, 2005, 08:28:52 PM »

What would Leon Phelps do?

"Ya know, when a man works hard his entire life enduring hundreds of ladies, many of whom he does not even remember you'd like to think that at the end of the day he will be given a lot of money, without having had to earn it. "
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dean
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« Reply #11 on: June 07, 2005, 08:46:10 PM »


Ah, when is advice not needed when concerning a girl?

I was friends with my current girlfriend for about 5/6 months before we actually started going out, and that was because I didn't pipe up with my feelings when I should have, we have now been going out for two years, and its pretty cool, but she always takes the opporunity to have a go at my lack of motivation, so get it out of the way, for good or bad, as soon as the right moment presents itself: remember, 'fortune favours the bold!'

This reminds me of an episode of Freaks and Geeks I watched last week where one of the 'geeks' Sam is talking to the girl he likes, and they start getting close, and then she drops the bomb: I think of you like a sister!

Chances are you'll be in a bit of trouble if you hear that line :-P  oh and I'm not implying that you are a geek either :-)

But from what it sounds like, it doesn't seem like that particular situation.  By the way, are your two families close?  Not really important factor I guess, just curious [if they aren't it could be a good sign for you, but like I said, not important]

Like you said there is always a risk of losing her completely, but that really just depends on how you handle things, not how she feels about you: if you basically act like a stalker when telling her your feelings that might ruin your already existing friendship, whereas asking her out straightfoward like other people have already mentioned will at least preserve a friendship if she happens to say no.

The advice people have already given is pretty good, though I wouldn't personally shower her with gifts that she would like until after you start going out!

Like others have already said, don't make a big deal out of it, like h.p Love said "a dozen roses and a sappy poem would freak her out" be confident and sure of yourself [although nobody would blame you for being nervous.]

Good luck and god speed young Dave.  May you move with the grace of Fred Astaire and have the charm of Sean Connery! [oh, and be yourself!]

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Zapranoth
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« Reply #12 on: June 07, 2005, 09:22:51 PM »

I like what AndyC said best.

(I'm 33, married for eight years, and my three year old daughter is sitting on my shoulders.  )
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Chopper
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« Reply #13 on: June 08, 2005, 05:46:55 AM »

yeah true with what Dean said. when talking to her Davey i would just be calm and cool about it, just tell her you have feelings for her and that you enjoy her company, you like her personality, or you just think she's a really awesome person. i would stray away from things like "i can't stop thinking about you, i'm losing sleep." those kinds of things are cool to tell a girl later on in relationship when things are real serious and she feels the same way but when a relationship starts you're always kind of still feeling each other out.

like everyone else said i say just go for it, but wait when you both have some private time and just be straight up and honest. a real woman will appreciate you for your honesty regardless of how she feels for you. and yeah, networking is always a good thing. best of luck and remember we only live once but it sounds to me like there's a good possiblity this girl likes you also.
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Dr. Whom
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« Reply #14 on: June 08, 2005, 07:03:24 AM »

I fully agree (I'm 40 tomorrow. aargh!)
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