RECENT VIEWINGS (Bad Movie Thread!)

[lester1/2jr]

The Coming aka Burned at the Stake (1981) -   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYE6kinSt8k


Someone uploaded this Bert I Gordon Salem Witch Trial misfire to youtube. Fun fact: the I in Bert I Gordon stands for I would not want to be associated with this train wreck.

A girl in modern day Salem is the reincarnated spirit of one of the witch trial kids who accused innocent people of all that stuff. The poor little girl who plays her has to act like an insane person and do these endless monologues in Early American dialect. The most memorable thing about this movie is how the husband of one of the accused witches gets transported to the present day where he is solid and can be tackled, but can't be shot. It's like a bad student play. "Worth seeing" if you want to see a big mess. There are some colorful special effects, but it's a chore to get through and the story is ultimately really typical Salem Witch Trial stuff.

1.5 /5 highly reverse recommended

[javakoala]

What a shame. I watched it once. So damned dark you can barely make out the lack of any action.

Honestly, I watched it for Susan Swift. Always liked her. Not a good actress, but she was different.

[lester1/2jr]

She give it her all.

[Dr. Whom]

Battle in Outer Space (1959)

In the distant year 1965, Earth is attacked by nefarious aliens from planet Natal, who cause all sorts of disaster. They are preparing an attack from a Moon base, so a two ship expedition is quickly launched to destroy the alien base. The destruction of the alien base doesn't help much, however and the aliens launch an all out attack. Earth's fighter defence can't stop them and the aliens are only defeated by a last ditch intervention of  laser cannon.

There is not a lot about this movie that makes any sense. Both sides have impressive weaponry at their disposal (including alien mind control), which is used erratically. There are a lot of explosions and shooting of lasers, with a climactic dogfight in space, long before Star Wars. It is also a very crowded movie, with lots of people in every scene who don't have too much to do. The main message is the power of international cooperation, with the peoples of the world coming together under the flag of the UN to battle the invaders.

[Rev. Powell]

Digging into the Ormond box set. This is going to hurt...

UNTAMED MISTRESS (1956): Three men travel into the jungle on a safairy (as they insist on calling their safari), accompanied by a woman raised by gorillas; when they get into gorilla country, the gorillas want her back. Badly stitched together story with some padded narrative added to flesh out stock footage and unused parts of a Sabu movie; the National Geographic-style nudity of topless native women near the end, and newly-shot scenes of topless "native" dancers entertaining men in gorilla suits, is the reason this was made. A movie only RC Merchant could love. I can tell this Ormond box set is going to be quite the chore. 1/5.

[Rev. Powell]

PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME! (1963): A young wife who's frigid because of a sexual assault in her youth regains conjugal bliss with the help of hypnotism. A serious subject given much less respect than it deserves, this forbidden melodrama is an exercise in padding, pseudoscience, shoehorned mondo-style footage of surgery and---its raison d'etre---extensive cleavage (and even side boob). It's an indictment of its times on many levels. 2.5.

The female lead, Viki Caron (who never turned up in anything else), is remarkable. As Joe Bob Briggs would say, she has two enormous talents.

[javakoala]

PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME! (1963): A young wife who's frigid because of a sexual assault in her youth regains conjugal bliss with the help of hypnotism. A serious subject given much less respect than it deserves, this forbidden melodrama is an exercise in padding, pseudoscience, shoehorned mondo-style footage of surgery and---its raison d'etre---extensive cleavage (and even side boob). It's an indictment of its times on many levels. 2.5.

The female lead, Viki Caron (who never turned up in anything else), is remarkable. As Joe Bob Briggs would say, she has two enormous talents.

I used to post this on my YouTube channel before I got banned. It was always a crowd-pleaser.

[Rev. Powell]

WHITE LIGHTNIN' ROAD (1967): A hot-rodder just wants to race, but keeps getting sucked into crime subplots that threaten to become interesting, before extricating himself and getting back to the track. Really boring; I've never understood how watching cars driving around in a circle is supposed to be entertaining. 0.5/5.

[Alex]

Poor Things.

Not quite arty enough for me to call art house, not quite enough sex and nudity to be a porno and not good enough to be enjoyable. Kristi picked this one. I did not recognise Emma Stone with her hair colour and style at all. It does have quite a big-name cast all of whom put in a decent performance, and it has nice sets but the film just wasn't coherent enough. I can imagine the Rev getting more enjoyment out of it than we did.

[Rev. Powell]

Poor Things.

Not quite arty enough for me to call art house, not quite enough sex and nudity to be a porno and not good enough to be enjoyable. Kristi picked this one. I did not recognise Emma Stone with her hair colour and style at all. It does have quite a big-name cast all of whom put in a decent performance, and it has nice sets but the film just wasn't coherent enough. I can imagine the Rev getting more enjoyment out of it than we did.

Indeed, I loved it and thought it was easily the best movie of 2023. I found it pretty coherent, although coherency isn't something I usually care about much.

[lester1/2jr]

I gotta get this ormand box set! Oh wait, I don't have a DVD player anymore. Wait, yes I have a travel one somewhere.

[pacman000]

The Golden Blade

Colorful but cliche & slow paced Arabian Knights flick. Rock Hudson must avenge his father's death, finds a magic sword which only works for him, & must save the rebellious princess from evil advisor Jafar.

Felt cheap; costumes were anything which looked old; sets looked like Universal's European  village with minor changes.

[Gabriel Knight]

I recently watched VELOCIPASTOR. I don't know what you're doing right now, but whatever it is, stop it and go watch that film. You won't regret it.

[Rev. Powell]

THE GIRL FROM TOBACCO ROW (1966): A butt-ugly but good-natured escaped convict (rock and roller Earl Sinks) comes to town and stays with some hick Bible thumpers, romancing the mute girl while searching for the loot his cellie stashed. It's about 3/4 talk, 1/5 harmonica music, and 1/20 action. One of the worst of the Ormond family movies, which is saying something. Somehow this got a 5.3 on IMDB, which seems insanely high. 1/5.

[ER]

The Spork of Pleasure and Death (the 3-D version.)