Recent Viewings, Part 2

[indianasmith]

NOAH'S SHARK (2021) - A disgraced, embezzling former televangelist, a failed exorcist, a cute mercenary, and a wisecracking cameraman go trekking into the wilds of Iran's Mt. Ararat in order to find the "cursed" Noah's Ark and the immortal shark spirit that protects it.   Horrific dialog, gratuitous padding through repetitive flashback sequences, cheesy special effects, and plotholes big enough to drive a truck through ensue.  But hey, it's a Polonia Brothers production, so what was I expecting?
My daughters are threatening to have me sit through HOLMES AND WATSON in retaliation, but I think that is cruel and unusual punishment.  Still, this one only dodges a 1/5 rating because of how much I enjoyed my wife's anguished expressions as we sat through this dreck.  2/5

[FatFreddysCat]

My "Watch the James Bond series in order" marathon is drawing to a close... I borrowed No Time To Die from the library today, but before I get to that one, I had to watch...

"Spectre" (2015)
Bond visits Mexico, Austria, and the North African desert as he uncovers the secrets of SPECTRE, the massive criminal organization behind everything that's happened to him since Casino Royale, and learns of his personal connection to their mysterious leader, Ernst Stavro Blofeld. As usual, lots of chases, gun fights, and explosions occur, and some of Bond's supporting cast like M, Q, and Moneypenny get in on the action as well. Another solid entry for Mr. Craig.

[Dr. Whom]

NOAH'S SHARK (2021) - A disgraced, embezzling former televangelist, a failed exorcist, a cute mercenary, and a wisecracking cameraman go trekking into the wilds of Iran's Mt. Ararat in order to find the "cursed" Noah's Ark and the immortal shark spirit that protects it.   Horrific dialog, gratuitous padding through repetitive flashback sequences, cheesy special effects, and plotholes big enough to drive a truck through ensue.  But hey, it's a Polonia Brothers production, so what was I expecting?
My daughters are threatening to have me sit through HOLMES AND WATSON in retaliation, but I think that is cruel and unusual punishment.  Still, this one only dodges a 1/5 rating because of how much I enjoyed my wife's anguished expressions as we sat through this dreck.  2/5

I suppose they came up with the title first and then wrote a script around it. 

[Alex]

Saltwater: The Battle for Ramree Island.

Based on a true story from World War 2, where two Japanese units became separated. The smaller force (consisting of about 1000 men) was called on to surrender but instead chose to attempt the 8-mile trek through a mangrove swamp to join up with their parent division. 20 men made it out of the swamp and were captured. The rest seem to have either been swallowed up by the swamp or possibly swallowed up by its saltwater crocodiles.

Anyway, the film itself is actually about a small patrol of British forces on a reconnaissance mission to locate an ammo dump. They come under attack by the crocodiles and when all seems lost, set off an explosion thinking that if they can't complete their mission, then they can at least create a diversion and cause the Japanese to send troops into the swamp to investigate the explosions and lose them to the crocodiles too. Clearly not actually filmed in a swamp with lots of stock footage of crocodiles, and the actors could perhaps have done with more acting lessons.

[Rev. Powell]

THE WARPED FOREST (2011): People are disappearing from a hot baths resort and reappearing in a dream world of nipple guitars, fruit with orifices, ejaculating guns, and a monolith that promises to warp dreams. A plot of sorts eventually emerges from the randomness, but the main draw is waiting to see what crazy prop, creature, or visual effect director Shunichiro Miki will introduce next. A spiritual sequel to FUNKY FOREST, never released in the US but available on Blu-ray bundled with FUNKY. 3/5.

[Jim H]

One-Armed Boxer - Forever in the shadow of its sequel, this is the film Master of the Flying Guillotine is a sequel to that most people seem to be unaware of.  I'd never seen it before, but after the passing of director/star/writer Jimmy Wang Yu I finally watched it.  

This is a pretty typical kung fu revenge plot.  A leading martial art student ends up in a conflict with other martial art students (who are also a criminal gang).  This leads to some back and forth fights, and eventually the bad guys hire evil foreign fighters and wipe out the entire school - our lead gets his arm punched off but survives.  Yes, PUNCHED off.  Then he gets taken in by a kindly doctor and his beautiful daughter.  He must train his remaining arm to be super powerful and get revenge.  

Oh, the sequence where he gets nursed back to health is utterly bizarre - it's done in a montage of still images in like 15 seconds.  The still images look like they were from a behind the scenes set photographer or something, which makes me wonder if they lost the footage or just wanted to cut the film down for time and used what they had.

If you've seen Wang Yu's star making turn in One-Armed Swordsman, this will probably sound very familiar.  But, it loses the paternal sub-text, axes the actually pretty good triangular love story, and is generally in narrative terms a much inferior story.  A number of developments come and go and just loosely make sense.  Some production elements are rough too - there's a couple of out-of-focus close-ups that made it into the film for instance.  Characters come and go.  The lead is barely developed.  The doctor's daughter appears in the picture, gets in jeopardy, then is just kind of forgotten about for the last 20 minutes.  These might read as odd complaints in a martial arts film to many, but the film is obviously modeled on One-Armed Swordsman, and that film works well as a story all around, so I have to note it.

However, it makes up for these shortcomings with a lot more sweeping big fights (impressively shot and choreographed, Wang Yu as director does Chang Cheh proud), goofy characters, martial arts gimmicks, and fun staging.  It does get a bit tiring and runs out of steam just a touch, but it's still an entertaining picture for martial arts fans.  Just don't expect it to top Master of the Flying Guillotine - very few films can do that.

Oh, and no joke, the film's theme is stolen in some versions.  It's the intro music to the Shaft theme.  Very strange.  Especially as it also has a version with an original title theme that's good!  Perhaps it was intended as a temp track, but it just ended up getting mastered with it?  Or maybe the original theme was used in markets where they had to worry about copyright.  Who knows.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99v3fNptozA

[lester1/2jr]

getting to the end of The Golden Horde. The category description is "war, romance" and it's more of the latter. Did you ever read a book that you like, but you tend to read it in short increments because it's not that exciting? That's kind of what GH is like.

[Jim H]

Master of the Flying Guillotine - Had to rewatch it for Wang Yu.  It's still a classic.  Any martial arts fan should watch.

[FatFreddysCat]

After two years, my "Watch the James Bond Series in Order" marathon has finally crossed the finish line...

"No Time To Die" (2021)
Daniel Craig's 007 era comes to a close with this sprawling, two hour and forty-three minute (!) epic that picks up five years after the events of Spectre. Bond is retired from active service, but a plea for help from his CIA pal Felix Leiter pulls him into a supervillain's vast conspiracy to kill millions with a high-tech virus.
There's enough going on here for three movies, but "NTTD" moves fast, with the usual non stop action, top notch stunt work and lush locations. The personal drama that's added in the last quarter feels forced and unnecessary but it gives the downer ending an extra emotional punch. Daniel's Bond may be done, but  the end credits still claim JAMES BOND WILL RETURN, as usual. It'll be interesting to see where (and with whom) the franchise goes from here.

"Bone Tomahawk" (2015)
A Western sheriff (Kurt Russell) forms a posse and heads out across treacherous terrain to rescue his town's doctor from a cave-dwelling tribe of cannibalistic savages.  An interesting blend of Old West heroics and horror, esp. when things go full-on "Hills Have Eyes" in the final reel. The two hour plus run time flies by thanks to great performances by Russell and a supporting cast that includes Patrick "The Conjuring" Wilson and Matthew "Lost" Fox. I generally don't care for Westerns, but I enjoyed this one.

[Rev. Powell]

MST3K 1302: ROBOT WARS: Finally got to it. Not as excited about this one as with the season's new opener, SANTO AND THE TREASURE OF DRACULA, 90's Charles Bland movies just don't do it for me. I had some trouble keeping my attention on it (but I was tired), but it's set in a poorly-deified future where only stock characters have survived the apocalypse. The host segments were relevant, and they dropped the long intermission segment, which was a good idea (they kept a shorter one with the ads). They also teased the arrival of Emily, which generates some anticipation. Overall 2.5/5. watchable and not clearly losing the formula, but in some danger of falling off a cliff.

[FatFreddysCat]

"Green Lantern" (2011)
Based on the DC Comics hero, Ryan Reynolds is hot shot test pilot Hal Jordan, who is chosen by a dying alien to become Earth's representative on the intergalactic police force known as the Green Lantern Corps. Once he gets the hang of his snazzy new powers, he has to save the world from a powerful cosmic menace.
Overall, "GL" isn't terrible, just forgettable. Reynolds' performance is fine and the action scenes are fun to watch, but the movie's over-reliance on CGI feels like you're watching a cartoon at times. Ryan probably didn't mind much when it under-performed at the box office and failed to turn into a franchise, since it freed him up to be Deadpool.

[indianasmith]

BURIAL GROUND MASSACRE - A rich family's mansion is built on top of sacred Indian burial grounds, and when they leave their college aged son alone for the weekend, he throws a party - which is crashed by a vengeful Native American terrorist intent on retrieving a cursed ring. A confusing mess of a movie, albeit with come cute female leads.  3/5

BEASTERDAY - Repeat viewing of a BAD movie with a giant killer rabbit attacking a small town on Easter weekend.

[Alex]

Stephen Kangs Sharks of the Corn.

This actually had a semi-coherent plot. Effects-wise it is about as bad as you'd expect, the acting while bad could be worse. Compared to other movies I've watched, it wasn't completely terrible.

[Dr. Whom]

Dellamorte Dellamore/ Cemetery Man (1994)

Seeing it mentioned here in the discussion, I had to try and track it down. This is an absolute hoot. Rupert Everett is superb as the elegantly bored caretaker of a zombie infested cemetery, while also being haunted by the woman of his dreams. There are several memorable scenes, such as Rupert Everett blasting away at zombie boy scouts to a sound track of Turkish pop, not to mention his assistant's romance with the zombified daughter of the mayor. The night scenes have a 80s music video feel. I half expected Spandau Ballet or Duran Duran to make a cameo. The whole thing is delightfully silly, with a fitting surreal ending. And then there is Anna Falchi.

It seems that the author of the original novel thought the movie was better than his book.

[Alex]

Nightmare Alley.

Del Toro moves from horror to film noir. Well acted, looks great on the screen, but you'll see the twist and the ending coming a mile off. Maybe a bit long telling its story at two and a half hours, but it was good enough to keep me watching.