Recent Viewings, Part 2

[lester1/2jr]

Left Fingers (2023) - If I don't post a review for a couple days it doesn't mean I'm not in front of my TV. I try and watch a lot of movies but end up having to turn them off because they contain some element I find annoying. Immediate bad acting is often one. As this movie shows though, my standards really aren't very high.

A good looking but blandly normal guy decides he wants to be a social media influencer. The problem: he's a blandly normal guy. Nothing he does seem to garner him the views he craves until one day he makes a gruesome discovery: someone has left a finger in the geocaching little treasure chest thing you find. It happens again... and again. Suddenly, his account is pretty interesting.

It's all super cheap and rough around the edges in terms of the writing and so forth but I liked it. Haven't read the reviews yet (if there are any) but they are probably all 1 star. (update: there are none)

4.25 / 5

[Dr. Whom]

Devil Girl From Mars (1954)

What really caused Mars's downfall was women's emancipation. After several centuries of empowered women, the men of Mars are hopelessly weak and degenerate, so a Martian dominatrix raids Earth for hot-blooded men.

This is the famous British answer the US alien invasion movies of the 50s. According to the credits, it is adapted from a play, which may explain why it mainly consists of people talking in the same room. It is a bit like The Day the Earth Stood Still, if that had been set in a remote Scottish hotel with half a dozen people in it. It also has one of goofiest robots in the history of film, rather like a water heater with legs. Fans of Dad's Army will recognize John Laurie, and, as it is a British movie, the reaction to an alien invasion is to have a cup of tea.
That being said, it is more watchable than its reputation suggests. Patricia Laffan looks suitably kinky. The plot, such as it is, moves along at a steady if sedate pace and at a good 70 minutes, it ends before you get bored. Definitely less of a slog than Mars Needs Women.

[Rev. Powell]

IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU, WHAT WILL HORSES DO? (1971): The tragic tale of Judy, a fun girl who drinks, smokes, and dances while wearing miniskirts, who gives herself to Jesus after hearing a ridiculous hyperbolic anti-Communist sermon by uncharismatic preacher Erstus Pirkle. Filled with re-enactments of what America will be like in just a few years when bad actors playing the part of Communists take over the government and splash red paint over the faces of those who steadfastly profess their faith in Christ, this is poorly-made but surprisingly gory and sadistic propaganda is both hilarious and sad. People once became fanatically motivated by preachers playing to their illogical fears, and continue to do be today. The Communist was right about the candy, though, and Pirkle never rebuts him. 1.5/5 or 3.5/5, depending on whether you see it as a tragedy or a comedy. Glad I finally saw it.

[RCMerchant]

^ I found it hilarious!

[Rev. Powell]

^ I found it hilarious!

I get it, but these are the same kind of people who now believe in Q-Anon.

[M.10rda]

CASTLE OF BLOOD (1964):
My official grand opener for the Halloween season, this might be the best early 60s supernatural Euro-gothic I've seen. (You know, old castle, vengeful spirits and/or vampires, plunging necklines, bad dubbing, et al.) The first fifteen minutes is a slow pair of dialogue scenes (almost in real-time) where Edgar Allen Poe brokers a wager between an aspiring writer and an eccentric nobleman to spend an entire night in a haunted mansion. The next fifteen minutes, also real-time, is mostly the young writer entering and gradually proceeding through the very dark, spooky, evidently empty mansion, almost in the style of a FPS/horror video game. Although glacially paced, this opening half hour grabbed me on the strength of the dialogue, the performances of the actors playing Poe and the nobleman, and the steady, atmospheric direction of Antonio Margerhiti (aka Anthony Dawson), who would eventually make some goofy genre movies and become a running gag in INGLORIOUS BASTERDS but does legitimately strong work here.

Thirty minutes in, the writer discovers there are other people living (?) in the mansion, including Barbara Steele, her icy blonde frenemy, two shirtless dudes, and even a mad scientist-type. I was prepared to get bored at this point, anticipating the usual early 60s gothic romance BS that was about to commence... yet CASTLE OF BLOOD keeps throwing little twists into the mix and remains surprising and watchable until the end, eventually building to a feverish final 20 or so minutes that are legitimately... rousing! The lead actor is kinda' lame and Steele doesn't have a ton to do, but she looks great doing it, and there's enough other cool stuff happening in CASTLE OF BLOOD that (unlike fellow genre entries) it needn't rest its laurels on Steele's intensity and cleavage. Rather than just mere vampires or ghosts or curses, the film stirs up a dizzying blend of obscure phenomena and the result feels much more akin to THE SHINING, Flanagan's HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE, or even Rivette's CELINE ET JULIE, plus into the bargain there's a coda that presages Rollin's LA ROSE DA FER.

FTR I watched a DVD that incorporates footage from a French cut. Some dialogue is abruptly in French (w/ subtitles), there's some pretty intense sapphic overtones and a couple of assaults that border on sexual, plus one eye-opening extended wide-shot of a supporting female character disrobing and going fully topless for a bit. Have to presume these bits weren't in the original US cut. Viva la difference! I revisited BLACK SUNDAY (1960) last October and didn't feel like it had aged that well. I think I had more fun w/ CASTLE OF BLOOD! A promising start to the season.

4/5

[M.10rda]

^ I found it hilarious!

I get it, but these are the same kind of people who now believe in Q-Anon.

Caught this at last 6 years ago or so. You've said it all, Rev.
Estus Pirkle would be a beloved satirical icon if he wasn't terrifyingly real.

[M.10rda]

DARK ARC (2004):
One of only three features written/directed by Dan Zukovic, an intense-looking character actor w/ tons of TV credits on IMDB as well as appearances in the kinds of features most of us are unlikely to watch. Nevertheless he made THE LAST BIG THING, an extremely funny 90s hipster comedy co-starring a young Mark Ruffalo as well as James (STREET TRASH!) Lorinz so I sought out his follow-up. Quite a departure.

Zukovic stars as the Viscount Loris, a former art critic-turned-globetrotting monomaniac weirdo... the kind usually only played by Jodorowski in Jodorowski's own movies. Loris recruits a disaffected femme fatale (the appealing Sarah Strange) to help him "curate" and/or create unique images, and ultimately manipulates her in an obscure and trivial vendetta against an unassuming graphic designer. (The designer looks unnervingly like Stephen Soderbergh, who probably would enjoy this film, come to think of it.) For a film about unforgettable visuals, DARK ARC mostly looks muddy, overcast, and depressing, w/ occasionally flashes of garish color, though the compositions are often pleasing. Zukovic's dense, idea-driven screenplay could almost pass as a film student's MFA literature review of the major theories of Lacan, Mulvey, Sontag, and Berger, which doesn't sound like a blast, right? Nevertheless, the catty dialogue between Zukovic and Strange is frequently hilarious, so the sense of humor Zukovic demonstrated in LAST BIG THING is still w/ him. A pull-quote on DARK ARC's trailer compares it to David Lynch. I'd say it's closer to Peter Greenaway or even Nicolas Roeg, but fans of Hal Hartley, Atom Egoyan, and Whit Stillman might also dig Zukovic's vibe.

DARK ARC was one of the last DVDs I'll ever receive from DVD.com, formerly Netflix, to which I'd subscribed for almost 20 years. I could've returned it and gotten something else, but I chose to keep it at no charge. I didn't absolutely love it, but it's the kind of movie I know I'll be thinking about in 5, 10, 15, or 20 years, I'll want to check it out again, and then it'll be impossible to find - so, into my collection it shall go. I cannot find Zukovic's third and to-date final feature SCAMMERHEAD anywhere... 

4/5

[lester1/2jr]

Anatomy (2000) - I didn't love this but I did watch it. The tone was very European. It had all these corny jokes. The lead actress wasn't very attractive and her boyfriend looked like Garth Brooks as Christopher Gaines. It could maybe be a funny musical?

A girl goes to medical school and discovers a weird underground group that eschews ethics in favor of "REAL medical research" ie killing people for their bodies. Or does she???? They put a lot of effort into this but they should have maybe had the better looking sidekick be the lead. next!

 3/5

[M.10rda]

MARK OF THE DEVIL (1970):
First-time viewing of a movie that was legendary when I was a kid, both as a "nasty" and also as a stinker. It's both and then some! In some vague unspecified "European" village, a witchfinder w/ the unlikely name of "Albino" (Reggie Nalder aka the iconic Barlow from SALEM'S LOT!) abuses his power, torturing and murdering and raping the innocent w/ gleeful abandon. One day the Witchfinder General and his apprentice (Herbert Lom and Udo Kier!) arrive to relieve Albino of his duties, and briefly the viewer hopes conditions will improve. Naturally things only get worse!

Yes, MOTD has atrocious dubbing in general and all of its crowd scenes look like outtakes from a Monty Python sketch. This becomes a fatal flaw at the totally senseless climax, when the villagers finally revolt. Those (major) caveats aside, though, its smaller/interior scenes are often well-directed, the script is surprisingly thoughtful at times (its criticisms of the Catholic Church remain relevant today), and the major characters occasionally reveal some nuance. Lom (who at least seems to have dubbed himself) gives a strong performance and Nalder (though dubbed) is compellingly loathesome even w/ flat line-readings... he oozes evil from every pore of his hideously scarred face... which btw I don't think is make-up. Srsly, dude looks like Lance Henriksen got a mullet from a blind barber before the barber accidentally knocked Lance headfirst into a wheat-thresher. Nalder was more palatable-looking in Nosferatu prosthetics!

Udo Kier, on the other hand, was (objectively speaking) a gorgeous human being in 1970... 3-4 years before BLOOD OF DRACULA and FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN and more than a decade before he would become the perennial ghoul leering through most of the Von Trier catalog... and you can totally buy him as a romantic lead and quasi-protagonist. At the very least he tortures no one....... and if nothing else you gotta' admit that MOTD is unusual in that it's a film about sadistic torture where UDO KIER TORTURES NO ONE. Oh yeah, the torture! Even in this young century of hardcore torture porn, I have to admit that the torture in MOTD is still raw and effective (not to mention plentiful). It turned my stomach and made me hate the s**t-head inquisitors, so, hey, job well done, Adrian Hoven and Michael Armstrong. In counterpoint, the theme song (which cues up about every 4-5 minutes) is a cheery, almost heartwarming number that sounds like it heavily inspired Riz Ortolani's score to CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST.
3/5
I didn't hate it and I might even check out the sequel, where the wretched Nalder returns in the role of "Natas"!  

[Alex]

Monster Armageddon.

Aliens watch Asylum movies and decide to invade the earth using the monsters from the films to conquer it. I guess they've been scraping the bottom of the barrel so long that they've worn through the wood and you are now getting whatever is beneath it. Poor even by their low standards.

[Rev. Powell]

UNICORN WARS (2022): Follows the travails of new teddy bear recruits as they train in boot camp before venturing into the Magic Forest to battle their ancestral enemies, the unicorns. "Care Bears" journey into the heart of darkness in a battle that will pit brother against brother; the expected ironic jokes are there, but to its credit this beautifully animated film ultimately takes its superficially cute characters seriously, delivering a legitimate epic tragedy. 3.5/5.

[Alex]

UNICORN WARS (2022): Follows the travails of new teddy bear recruits as they train in boot camp before venturing into the Magic Forest to battle their ancestral enemies, the unicorns. "Care Bears" journey into the heart of darkness in a battle that will pit brother against brother; the expected ironic jokes are there, but to its credit this beautifully animated film ultimately takes its superficially cute characters seriously, delivering a legitimate epic tragedy. 3.5/5.

Also more teddy bear penis that I ever thought I would ever encounter.

[M.10rda]

DR. ORLOFF'S MONSTER aka THE MISTRESSES OF DR. JEKYLL aka THE SECRET OF DR. ORLOFF (1964):
Recently there was some discussion on the "uniquely worded title" thread about whether ORLOFF should count as unique. (Sequels w/ the same word are okay, but unrelated films are disqualifiers.) Although some folks contended that all ORLOFF films were directed by Jess Franco and therefore part of a series, I was skeptical on both of those counts. Then again, I'd only seen THE AWFUL DR. ORLOFF (1962), Franco's first entry. Having now seen the first Franco follow-up, I would suggest that the word "Orloff" can be safely disqualified. Even though Franco wrote & directed it two years after AWFUL, it's a stretch to consider it a sequel or maybe even an ORLOFF movie at all...

What IS it, though? ...Another one of the growing handful of Franco films I've seen that I could recommend to anyone inclined to say that all of Franco's movies are bad. Dude's filmography is over a hundred entries. A lot of those are bad, lazy, or senseless, yet many of them are bad, lazy, and/or senseless in completely different ways, and about one in every half dozen is.......  good!

JEKYLL/ORLOFF is a linear, cogent, more or less conventional, but very well made Franco film... the kind of film that provides credence for Orson Welles' early 60s evaluation of Franco as a real filmmaker of merit. There's plenty of deep visual compositions, moody lighting, and smart camera movements, and in one of the film's longest takes, supporting characters played by entirely competent actors move in and out of the shot, delivering confident and committed line readings of dialogue that is clever and in support of the plot. Why, it's like you're watching a... professionally made film! ORLOFF/JEKYLL's plot isn't anything too complex or exciting (sexually frustrated mad scientist uses a zombie/robot to murder women, Because), but it moves along more snappily than the first ORLOFF film and is generally an improvement in all areas. There are a few (essentially gratuitous) nude scenes - okay, at least ten extended shots of topless ladies to CASTLE OF BLOOD's one (1) - however it's still early enough in Franco's career that he considers sex to be the seasoning in the entree rather than the main ingredient.

But is it an Orloff movie? The DVD I watched has a menu screen that says "DR. ORLOFF'S MONSTER" and one of the film's alternate titles is THE SECRET OF DR. ORLOFF, but the title on the print is THE MISTRESSES OF DR. JEKYLL and the main character's name is... Dr. Jekyll. There's a single line of throwaway dialogue in one scene that mentions the research of "Dr. Orloff" and there's an elderly mentor scientist who appears briefly in two scenes and MIGHT be Dr. Orloff, but he's addressed by a different name onscreen and not identified as Orloff by IMDB. So, we're on Franco's ORLOFF #2 and... about as much of a sequel as TRUE ROMANCE is to RESERVOIR DOGS by virtue of Mr. White mentioning a character named "Alabama" in the latter. Still, good flick!
3.5/5
...Although honestly I think I prefer Franco movies w/ only a couple of nice shots or moments and tons of nudity and sex to this more mainstream approach.  

[indianasmith]

PET SEMATARY: BLOODLINES (2023) - Well, it wasn't a total train wreck, but it wasn't nearly as good as I hoped it would be.  A young Judd Crandall has to deal with the consequences when a neighbor buries the body of his son, killed in Vietnam, in the old Micmac burial ground.  The son, Timmy, a childhood friend of Judd, comes back as a murderous monster, and it's up to Judd and his father to kill the beast and set Timmy's soul to rest.  Lots of gore, but not the most comprehensive plot. 3/5