We need some JOKES!

[Poogie]

                                            

[T-Rex Television]

My two personal favorites (get ready to laugh, heh. not really):

Knock knock
whos there?
lemon
lemon who?
a lemon



knock knock
whos there?
lettuce
lettuce who?
lettuce in, its cold out here


Guy 1:My dog has no nose!
Guy2: Then how does he smell?
Guy 1: Awful!



heh heh *snicker*

[Poogie]

This is for all you guys over 30, who think they're really old... 

[Poogie]

THE BURGLAR
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a stupid name for a parrot,"sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus." 

[Poogie]

THE VAMPIRE BAT
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. "Ok, follow me," he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes,yes,yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy. "Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"


Should I stop putting in these jokes? 

[Shadow]

[Menard]

Andrew and Trekgeezer would like this one.



A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a mudslide.

The bartender looks at  the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?".

"No," replies the man,  "I'm from Arkansas ".

The bartender looks at  him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Arkansas?".   

"I'm a taxidermist," said  the man.

The bartender, looking  very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-E-derm-ist?".

The man says, "I mount  animals".

The bartender stands back  and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!".

[Poogie]

THE HOLE
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across a big deep hole. "Wow, that looks deep." "Sure does! Toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait, but there is no noise. "Jeeez. That is really deep. Here, throw one of those great big rocks down there. That should make a noise." They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait, and wait, but again hear nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that in, it's got to make some noise!" The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen. Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey! You two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen. It came
running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah," says the farmer, "that couldn't have been mine. MY goat was chained to a railroad tie."

[Mofo Rising]

Well today (Presidents Day) it started hailing.  This is a little surprising, since I live in Phoenix.  After a few minutes of standing outside looking at it, I turned to my little brother and said, "Now that's what I call hailing to the Chief!"

He hit me.

[Yaddo 42]

Well today (Presidents Day) it started hailing.  This is a little surprising, since I live in Phoenix.  After a few minutes of standing outside looking at it, I turned to my little brother and said, "Now that's what I call hailing to the Chief!"

He hit me.

I admire his restraint. 

[Poogie]

THE CAB DRIVER
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much. The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver-I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!" 

[Ed, Ego and Superego]

A guy was out jogging and stopped at a streetcorner.  Waiting there was a man with a dog.  The dog starts licking himself in a personal place.  The jogger says "Sometimes I wish I could do that".  The dog owner says:  "You probably could, but you might want to pet him first."


Why don't cannibals like clowns? 
They taste funny.

Two fish are in a tank.. One says "Can you drive this thing?" 

Once a masochist said "Hurt me, baby!"  I said "No."

Ok, I'm out of jokes

-Ed

[Poogie]

LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston...a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving Wife
Date: Friday, December 1, 2006
Subject: I have Arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful a mine was.
PS.....Sure is freaking hot down here!
Your loving Husband

[Flangepart]

Two Irishmen are lost in the deep snow of the Alps.
They see a Saint Bernard comming to them with a cask round its neck.
Sean : "Aye, if it isen't mans best friend!"
Pat : " Aye, and look at the size of the dog bringin' it!"

[Poogie]

THEATER GUEST

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man,"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager." In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied..."The balcony."

I guess I should of put this on the "A stupid moment in time" topic...