We need some JOKES!

[Texdar]

[Poogie]

THE TOP 10 CONTESTANTS FOR THE 2006 WOMENS DRIVERS AWARD

10th place goes to:


9th place goes to:


8th place goes to:


7th place goes to:


6th place goes to:


5th place goes to:


4th place goes to:


BRONZE MEDAL WINNER


SILVER MEDAL WINNER

Her helmet is being worn backwards

And finally, here is our 2006 Women Drivers Awards
GOLD MEDAL WINNER

[quabrot]

A guy with a huge orange head walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.  The bartender says to him, "I'm not tryin; to be rude or nothin', but how did that happen?  I mean, were you born like that or sumthin?"  The man responded, "It's actually an interesting story."  "It all strted when I was in my attic and came across and old dusty lamp.  When I was cleaning it, I released a genie inside, who offered me three wishes.   My first wish was of course to all the money I could ever want. The second wish was to be loved by the most beautiful women in the world, which has been great.  For my third and final wish, I asked for an orange head."

I'm kind of a fan of absurdism.  If you're not familiar with absurdism, here's a good one.

Q: How many absurdists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.

[Poogie]

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "S&%T! THAT'S the word!"

[moravec]

 A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
  husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly".

  "Please pay me a compliment".

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".

He never heard the shot...

[Poogie]

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life ?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Poogie]

  WHO IS JACK SCHITT? 

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone days, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[Fausto]

This is not just a joke, but an urban legend:

A man and his wife are getting ready for a costume party. The man brings home his devil costume, but isnt sure what his wife is going as. When he asks her, she says she isnt feeling well, and tells him to go alone. After he leaves, the woman-who really suspects her husband of cheating on her-disguises herself as an angel and goes to the party alone. Right away, she spots the red devil flirting with other women. Wanting to catch the cheating SOB at his own game, she flirts with him herself, and before you know it, they sneak off to have a little "private fun." Later on, she returns home, and waits up to catch her husband walking in costumeless at two in the morning.

"How was the party?" she asks him.

"It was boring", the man says, "so me and some friends went out to play pool. We didnt get back to the house until a little while ago."

"Is that so," the woman mutters suspiciously.

"Yeah...it probably wouldnt have been much better for you, either, if you had come. I will say this, though: the guy I lent my costume to had a blast!"

[Snivelly]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,...

"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

[flackbait]

[flackbait]

I got this one of office diversions


Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. However, the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!" Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. However, the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

[Ed, Ego and Superego]

I recently read a news story where bulbs grow well in fertilizer made from pulverized rodents.  Turns out that Tulips grow best in Hamster Jam.
-Ed

[Allhallowsday]

All clean keep yer mind outta no gutter:

Q: What's better than roses on a piano? 
A: Tulips on an organ. 

Q: An apple and a banana are at the top of the Empire State Building.  The apple jumps; the banana does not . . . why not? 
A: 'Cause it was yellow. 

Q: How come they have a gate around the cemetery? 
A: 'Cause so many people are dying to get in! 

[Menard]

This one was recently sent to me via email; thought I would share.


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.  "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary , he said, "you are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann and said, "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He then turned to the third mom, Joyce and said. "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered, "come on, Dick, we're leaving."