Divorce

[Mr_Vindictive]

So, you guys may or may have not noticed that I've not been around the board lately.  I haven't mentioned it before now, but I'm in the process of getting divorced.  I've been married for six years, a small amount to be sure, but things have just gotten to the breaking point between my wife and I.  I moved out on Thursday.

So, for those of you that have been divorced, go ahead and share your stories.  Should help me get some perspective on the situation....

[Ash]

You're getting divorced?!
No s**t?

Sorry to hear that.  Divorce ranks in the top 3 most stressful things a person can go through in their life.  (the other two are death of a loved one and moving...yes moving...which is #3)

Judging from all the pics you have on your Myspace page I assumed you were happily married.  We used to talk all the time on Yahoo and in Day of Defeat Source but I have noticed that you've been absent from pretty much everything for awhile now.  I just figured you were super busy with your new job.

If you don't mind me asking, what happened?

[Mr_Vindictive]

Ash,

It all came down to my daughter.  The problems started when I started my new job.  I used to work from home when I was doing technical support, so my wife was used to be doing the chores around the house, including making dinner every night.  Then, I got the job at 911 which is a 12hr shift.  My wife works nights, I work days.  She would work an 8hr shift at night and then sleep until she had to go to work the next day.

It got to the point that I would take my daughter to daycare when I went to work, and would pick her up 12hrs later when I got off of work.  I would get home and my wife would still be asleep.  I would make dinner, give my daughter a bath and put her in bed before my wife would even awake.  I brought it up numerous times, but nothing changed.  It got to the point that she wanted nothing to do with either myself or my daughter.  So, I decided I had enough.  I'm tired of being a single parent in a marriage.  I told her I was leaving.  I got a two bedroom apartment for myself and my daughter and that is where things are now.  I have agreed to let her knew our daughter on occasion, but I will be the primary caregiver.

Of course, she could have cared less when we were together.  Now that I am the one that has left, she is suddenly the victim, and "never saw any of it coming", all of that B.S.  This is something that has been coming for a while and we both saw it.  I just don't want my daughter to ever feel that she is being neglected, and that is exactly what was happening before.

[Ash]

That's too bad.

You think some people have the perfect life only to find that things aren't so rosy behind closed doors.
You guys got married very young.  You're what, 24-25 now?
They say that 50% of all marriages in the U.S. are doomed to fail.  I'm sorry yours had to be among that 50%.

Have you tried working things out?  Or are your differences irreconcilable?
I applaud you for standing up for yourself and setting the good example.  It isn't often that the father gains custody of the child.  Usually it's the other way around.

[Eyesore]

With all of the sleeping that she is doing, could it be possible that your wife is suffering from clinical depression? I know of two marriages shaken by this in the past few months.

[Mr. DS]

I'm very sorry to hear of this.  I can't give much advice but I will say your measure as a good man is high in my eyes.  I say that mainly because you are putting the welll being of your daughter first.  She will remember that some day.  My best to you during these times.  I'd say post any thoughts you're having here and we'll all be happy to listen.  Remember, you have friends here. 

[ghouck]

Hey Mr, I have to say I'm behind you on the whole deal. Besides keeping the kid from being neglected, You're showing her that her mother's behavior is unacceptable, so you're breaking a potential cycle that haunts many people/relationships. You're also helping her understand that she doesn't have to stay in a bad situation just because of, well, some of the weird reasons miserable people stay together. She'll be much better off knowing that when she's old enough to be in a relationship, that reasonable responsibilities and reasonable expectations are the only way it's going to work, and when those values get broken, you make repairs, and a part of repairing is to get rid of what doesn't work. You don't want to teach your daughter to be irresponsible (as it seems your wife was teaching her), or to be someone's doormat. Good call IMO.

And believe me, when you talk with a person on an issue and nothing gets changed, IME it only takes a few times before it's cemented that it will NEVER change, no matter how much pleading, talking, screaming, whatever. The "This is news to me" is the proof of the matter to me, but only from my own experience.

OTOH, I have to say if your wife is sleeping nearly 16 hours a day, there may be something wrong with her. Depression is the first thing that comes to mind, so keep that in mind in regards to your kid.

Good Luck.

[Trevor]

I'm sincerely sorry to hear that, MrV ~ I trust that things will work out for you and your daughter: good wishes to you and her. 

[dean]

Ghouck's got a good point about the big D, but that doesn't help the short term.  It almost sounds like you've given her a pretty solid wake up call by leaving.  You can tell a person's character by what they do next: I hope your wife realises that she needs to step up and big time regarding your daughter, even if it means still being seperated. 

If all she does is sit back and whine and not change anything, then you definitely went the right direction by leaving.

Sorry to hear it Ska, I hope your daughter hasn't suffered much through this, but also I hope you are going ok.

Leaving is such a hard decision to make, and I wish you all the best...

[ghouck]

Which big D do you mean, Dean (Hey, that rhymes), Divorce or Depression?

[trekgeezer]

Hey Skaboi, this is one of those things that could be bad in the short term, but better for everyone in the long term. 

Whatever way it goes just make sure that precious little one knows she's loved and not the cause of any of it.  Far too many kids get caught being the pawn in these things.   I just hope it doesn't turn into a battle for you. 

You and the daughter have my best wishes that this all turns out positive in the end.

[Andrew]

Best of luck to you and your daughter.

[JJ80]

I'm sorry to hear about all that. Best of luck in all things! 

[LilCerberus]

It's corny, but try not to let yourself be defined by this.
It's important that you be your own person so that you can teach your daughter to be her own person.

It's difficult for me to explain without getting all whiney.
My dad was a lush, & my mom was codependent.
When they split, I got caught in the middle.

[dean]

Which big D do you mean, Dean (Hey, that rhymes), Divorce or Depression?

The latter in this case.