Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

Derf · April 24, 2009, 10:21:59 PM

I finally broke down and watched Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter today. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, but I was both pleasantly surprised and disappointed at the same time. The movie covers the story of Jesus, who apparently never left the Earth after the Crucifixion, planning his return (even though he'd never left). Vampires start targeting a local Catholic church and lesbians. The priests go find Jesus and beg him to defeat the vampires. Before he can take action, however, the vampires attack the group and kill the priests. Jesus escapes and plans his strategy. As he is carrying wood (to make stakes) along the road, a carload of atheists attack him, jumping out of a small Jeep four or five at a time and forming a classic kung-fu-bad-guy circle around Jesus. The atheists just keep jumping out of the car, which I took as the movie's message that atheists are a bunch of clowns, but then again, I'm just weird that way

. After Jesus defeats the atheists, he meets up with Mary Magnum, and together they track down the vampires. Mary is bitten pretty quickly, so she turns into a vampire. Jesus is badly beaten in the encounter, only to be rescued by a transvestite in a re-enactment of the parable of the Good Samaritan. With his main ally gone, Jesus is despondent until God appears to him via a talking bowl of ice cream with cherries, telling him that the Mexican masked wrestler El Santo is coming to help defeat the vampires. The wrestler arrives, and they are ambushed at a club (a la From Dusk 'Til Dawn, only funnier). Jesus kills vampires with drumsticks, crutches, toilet plungers, etc. El Santo kills with chairs and toothpicks. The head vampires escape, setting up the final showdown. I'll leave it to you to find out the ending.

Why was I pleasantly surprised? Because there was some genuinely funny stuff in the movie. Why was I disappointed? Because the movie contradicted itself too often. For example, there is a big musical number where Jesus sings and dances his way around town healing people and trying to rally support for his crusade. Then, in the night club, he tries to sing and is lousy at it. I understand the gag, but the movie had already shown him to be a singer and dancer. Then when he gets beaten up, he can't heal himself for no other reason apparently than the writers wanted to kinda redo the Good Samaritan parable. It's a low-budget flick. I get that, but the writers could have at least tried.

As a Christian, I should probably be offended or something by this movie, but it is really obviously just dumb entertainment. Anything offensive is offset by the overall silliness of the flick. This at least ticks off another notch in my obscure movie belt.

Torgo · April 24, 2009, 10:45:34 PM

I really enjoyed Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. The girl in the motorcycle suit was quite pretty.

If you haven't seen them you ought to check out Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace which was made by the same people.

Derf · April 25, 2009, 07:42:11 AM

Yeah, I was quite taken with Mary Magnum, too. I watched the fake Harry Knuckles preview, but I didn't know they had made an actual movie with the character. I'll have to look into it. How does it compare with JCVH?

the ghoul · April 25, 2009, 08:39:19 AM

Quote from: Derf on April 24, 2009, 10:21:59 PM
I finally broke down and watched Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter today. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, but I was both pleasantly surprised and disappointed at the same time. The movie covers the story of Jesus, who apparently never left the Earth after the Crucifixion, planning his return (even though he'd never left). Vampires start targeting a local Catholic church and lesbians. The priests go find Jesus and beg him to defeat the vampires. Before he can take action, however, the vampires attack the group and kill the priests. Jesus escapes and plans his strategy. As he is carrying wood (to make stakes) along the road, a carload of atheists attack him, jumping out of a small Jeep four or five at a time and forming a classic kung-fu-bad-guy circle around Jesus. The atheists just keep jumping out of the car, which I took as the movie's message that atheists are a bunch of clowns, but then again, I'm just weird that way . After Jesus defeats the atheists, he meets up with Mary Magnum, and together they track down the vampires. Mary is bitten pretty quickly, so she turns into a vampire. Jesus is badly beaten in the encounter, only to be rescued by a transvestite in a re-enactment of the parable of the Good Samaritan. With his main ally gone, Jesus is despondent until God appears to him via a talking bowl of ice cream with cherries, telling him that the Mexican masked wrestler El Santo is coming to help defeat the vampires. The wrestler arrives, and they are ambushed at a club (a la From Dusk 'Til Dawn, only funnier). Jesus kills vampires with drumsticks, crutches, toilet plungers, etc. El Santo kills with chairs and toothpicks. The head vampires escape, setting up the final showdown. I'll leave it to you to find out the ending.

This sounds like such a kick-ass movie, but I was disappointed when I watched it. It's not nearly as entertaining as it sounds.

metalmonster · April 25, 2009, 03:01:14 PM

I Bought A Copy On DVD A few Months Ago And I've Watched It Twice Already

The Burgomaster · April 27, 2009, 02:05:15 PM

I love this movie. Hilarious. Even the title is hilarious.

Mr. DS · April 27, 2009, 08:44:38 PM

It thought the "bless the lake" scene was funny. The minute Jesus cut his hair I kind of lost intrest.

Derf · April 27, 2009, 08:49:09 PM

Quote from: The DarkSider on April 27, 2009, 08:44:38 PM
It thought the "bless the lake" scene was funny. The minute Jesus cut his hair I kind of lost intrest.

That is when things started to go wrong. However, one notable scene that's worth watching after that moment is when El Santo starts flicking toothpicks at vampires, impaling them with tiny stakes, but it is enough to kill them.

Saucerman · April 28, 2009, 07:34:00 AM

I find the movie to be much more positive towards Christianity than I'd originally expected. I've probably watched this movie five times in the couple months since I bought it, and it never fails to please me.

The Sermon on the Mount scene at the end really sums up a lot of my own beliefs regarding faith and religion in general.

the ghoul · April 28, 2009, 08:33:36 PM

It's great that some of you seem to have gotten a lot of enjoyment out of it. As I've said before, I usually end up not liking movies that are purposely made to be "bad." To me most of them just lack that certain je ne sais qua, for lack of a better term. "Lost Skeleton of Cadavra" is a rare exception. I really like that one. I think JCVH might have worked better for me if it had the same wacky storyline, but was directed and acted as if it were a very serious movie. I'll stick to watching the classic Santo flicks. For me, they are a thousand times better.