Nightmare Museum (2006) Now with NSFW trailer

[Javakoala]

Much like the intestinal bug I'm currently dealing with, Mill Creek's TOMB OF TERRORS 50-pack strikes home with another film that is the drizzling s**ts.

Oddly enough, this film is on the same disc as THE LUNAR PACK, which I watched and it was bad, but at least it had Debbie Rochon to look at.

The film, if you can call it that, is NIGHTMARE MUSEUM.  No matter how I try to describe this, it will pique someone's curiosity.  Please, I swear, don't give in.

It is a story about some space weirdo who wants The Bagel Tree from a museum. But thieves have gotten to it first. So...The Erotic Avengers rush in to save the day.  What happens then is a number of long scenes of gratuitous hardcore sex climaxed by excessive gore.

Oh, did I forget to mention this is done with action figures? Yeah, action figures.

Awful isn't the word for it.  Imagine your dorky 8-year-old brother making Barbie and Action Man have hot monkey sex after he glimpsed a few minutes of the porno you were watching one night.  That is the caliber of this film.

The space weirdo flies around in a sub sandwich held aloft by string.  The Erotic Avengers zip along in a house slipper that is pulled by a string....are you turned off yet?

I finally, after about five minutes of it, hit fast forward, just to see how long this kept up and to see if there is a real movie somewhere in there.  Nope, and this exercise in misery runs for 63 minutes.  58 of which has action figures uttering every foul word for body parts as they are positioned in various angles for imitation sex.

Trust me, watch THE LUNAR PACK instead.  Or better yet, watch infomercials.

Here's the trailer and it really isn't safe for work...or anywhere else.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pi1EETM1Ijo

[The Burgomaster]

Hey . . . I almost watched this the other night!  I'm sorry I didn't . . . but it's in my queue!

[Javakoala]

Hey . . . I almost watched this the other night!  I'm sorry I didn't . . . but it's in my queue!

You'll be very, very sorry.  But, if you can avoid the fast forward button, tell me if ANYTHING worthwhile happens.  Make sure you note the time so I can avoid the rest of it again.

[Bmeansgood]

You weren't kidding, there was a flying sub sandwich!

[The Burgomaster]

Hey . . . I almost watched this the other night!  I'm sorry I didn't . . . but it's in my queue!

You'll be very, very sorry.  But, if you can avoid the fast forward button, tell me if ANYTHING worthwhile happens.  Make sure you note the time so I can avoid the rest of it again.

In accordance with my long-standing tradition of watching every movie in its entirety, no matter how bad it is, I suffered through this one tonight.  And the answer to your question is "no, nothing worthwhile happens."

As you mentioned, almost the entire running time consists of action figures having sex.  And the worst part is, most of the time all you see is an extreme close-up of an action figure's head, back, elbow or whatever moving back and forth on the screen for endless minutes at a time while we hear moaning, groaning, and dirty talk.  This goes on and on, and every once in a while a few seconds of footage consisting of human hands holding raw meat or intestines or twirling spaghetti on a fork is flashed on the screen.

About 40 - 45 minutes into the movie, the sex scenes are briefly interrupted by a scene of an action figure with a power drill going through its head.

At the end, the alien in the sub sandwich shoots down another alien flying around in a tea kettle.  The two aliens then have a Godzilla-inspired fight in front of a cheesy city set (one building says "Leroy's Abortion Clinic" on it).  

Watching this piece of crap is the worst kind of pain imaginable.

[Javakoala]

Thanks for taking the full brunt of the bullet for the team on that one.

[jimmybob]

Wow tell me if you guys find anything GOOD on the Tomb of Terrors pack.

-Jimmybob

[Javakoala]

Wow tell me if you guys find anything GOOD on the Tomb of Terrors pack.

-Jimmybob

ROSE OF DEATH is okay.  At least you can tell the filmmakers were doing their best to make a normal film.  And the girl who plays Rose is rather cute.

[Jack]

Congratulations Java, you may have just discovered the worst film of all time 

[Javakoala]

Congratulations Java, you may have just discovered the worst film of all time 

Burgomaster survived it, so I doubt it is the worst.  I think the WORST film of all time would actually cause death, whether it be boredom, frustration or from hitting yourself on the forehead while screaming, "WHY?!?  WHY!?!"

[The Burgomaster]

Congratulations Java, you may have just discovered the worst film of all time 

Burgomaster survived it, so I doubt it is the worst.  I think the WORST film of all time would actually cause death, whether it be boredom, frustration or from hitting yourself on the forehead while screaming, "WHY?!?  WHY!?!"

It may not be the worst . . . but it could win the honors as "Most Pointless" or "Most Insulting to the Audience."