Gross joke thread?

[AndyC]

What do you call a leper in a jacuzzi?

Porridge.

[Mr. DS]

What did a woman say to Michael Jackson at the beach.
Get out of my son (sun). 


What do you call a leper in a car accident?
A puzzle


Three old guys are in a nursing home talking about their body functions.  One says, "I'd love to have a good bowel movement every day."  Another one hears this and says, "I'd love to have a good pee every day".  The last old guy says, "I have a good pee and poop every day at 7:00 AM.  Only problem is, I don't wake up until 9:00 AM". 

[AndyC]

Three old ladies are sitting on a bench when a flasher walks up and exposes himself.

The first one had a stroke.

The second one also had a stroke.

The third one couldn't reach.

[Psycho Circus]

One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.
So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysiter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."

When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"

The guy said "Um, it's a ruber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."

Then the babysiter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."

So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.

The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."

[Mr. DS]

Figured I'd bring this back with this one I heard today;

Why are so many people into sex with barnyard animals?

They're looking for a stable relationship.

[Doggett]

You guys should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Especially you !

[Saucerman]

So, a leper decides to go to a baseball game but, sensitive to his condition, sits way back in the bleachers where he hopes his appearance won't disturb anyone. 

A guy sits down next to him, and the leper says, "Excuse me sir, but as you can see I am a leper, and if my condition disturbs you, I'll move."  The guy says, "No, no, don't worry about it, just watch the game."

In the third inning, the guy starts puking uncontrollably.  The leper says, "Sir, I can see my appearance is disturbing you, I'll move."  The guy says, "No, no, don't worry about it, just watch the game."

In the sixth inning, the guy starts puking uncontrollably.  The leper says, "Sir, I can see my appearance is disturbing you, I'll move."  The guy says, "No, no, don't worry about it, just watch the game."

In the ninth inning, the guy starts puking uncontrollably.  The leper says, "Sir, I can see my appearance is disturbing you, I'll move."  The guy says, "No, no, don't worry about it, just watch the game."

Now the leper is really curious, and asks the guy, "If it's not my leprosy that's making you puke, what is?"

The guy responds, "The guy sitting behind you keeps dipping his nachos into your back!"

[AndyC]

A little boy walks in while his mom is in the shower. He points at her bush and asks "What's that?"

"Uh, that's my sponge, for washing," she says.

A couple of weeks later, the same thing happens, except that the kid's mom had recently shaved off her bush.

"Where's your sponge?"

"Uh, it got dirty and I threw it away."

Again, the kid is satisfied with the answer and a couple more weeks go by, until the kid comes running into the house.

"Mommy Mommy, I found your sponge!"

"What do you mean?" she asks.

"The neighbour lady's washing Daddy's face with it!"

[Raffine]

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

[AndyC]

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?

She screamed her hands off.


How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They put extra knobs on all the doors.


How did they punish her when she was really bad?

They left the plunger in the toilet.