Lame-ass I can't come to work excuses.....

[Trevor]

My favourite one is

Trevor: "The doc said I have a serious medical condition."
Boss: " Yikes! What's wrong, Trevor?"
Trevor: "When I close my eyes, I can't see."

[Umaril The Unfeathered]

For an out-of-work excuse?

I would throw in  "I just got my copy of Call Of Duty: Black Ops" but I think employers are wise to the all-too-obvious video game defense, and have been since the days of the first Madden games....   

[Jack]

"I can't come to work because I'm too drunk to drive"  has always struck me as a rather lame excuse.

[Leah]

"I can't come to work today because I lost my voice and broke my arms."

[indianasmith]

One of my shipmates delivered this to our Chief back when I was in the Navy:

"I got up this morning and sat on the pot to take my morning power dump and was reading the paper.  I had my elbows resting on my knees and must have cut off circulation to my feet, because when I tried to stand up my legs buckled under me and I
fell forward into the bathroom wall, knocking myself unconscious for an hour or so.
That's why I'm late."

[Sleepyskull]

"I can't come to work because I cried myself to sleep, but I ran out of tears, so I never got a good night's rest."

"I drank a gallon of paint and a gallon of paint remover and now I'm both strangely empty and experiencing blood poisoning."

[Umaril The Unfeathered]

"I can't come to work today because I lost my voice and broke my arms."

That's almost as good as Curly in the one Three Stooges episode:

Curly: "I can't see, I can't see!"

Moe: "Why not"?

Curly: " I had my eyes closed, nyuk nyuk nyuk"

[Jim H]

One of my shipmates delivered this to our Chief back when I was in the Navy:

"I got up this morning and sat on the pot to take my morning power dump and was reading the paper.  I had my elbows resting on my knees and must have cut off circulation to my feet, because when I tried to stand up my legs buckled under me and I
fell forward into the bathroom wall, knocking myself unconscious for an hour or so.
That's why I'm late."

That's the best excuse ever. 

[sprite75]

There's a guy at work who is always listening when one of us is sick so he can figure out how to adapt the illness we had as an excuse to get off work.  He was quite interested to learn that I had a bug get stuck in my ear (even though I came to work the next day) and we figured that he would find some way to use that as an excuse eventually.

[Flick James]

I don't know about missing a day of work entirely, but one that will definately work for tardiness, guaranteed 100%, is "I crapped my pants."

I used this one when I was in the Navy, and yes, I was lying. I showed up about 30 minutes late, and when you show up late to muster in the military you get in trouble. Period. Unless it's a really good excuse, like you were in a horrible accident and were partially decapitated. Anyway, I couldn't think of anything good to come up with until the last second and when the chief called me into the office to find out why I was late and to chew me out, I blurted out that I had s**t my pants and had to deal with the situation. He was so taken aback that he just let me go, didn't chew me out, and asked if I needed to go to sick call. I said I was okay and he even applauded me for my work ethic. I've always felt a mixture of shame over lying like that and pride over my spur of the moment creativity. I'm sure the former is more appropriate.

[Trevor]

I blurted out that I had s**t my pants and had to deal with the situation.

That is a situation I deal with on a daily basis and I can't get off of work for it. 

[Flick James]

I blurted out that I had s**t my pants and had to deal with the situation.

That is a situation I deal with on a daily basis and I can't get off of work for it. 

Well, it works for everyone except Trevor. You gotta cycle in some other excuses, brother.

[Olivia Bauer]

"I can't come to work because I have a severe allergic reaction to things I don't want to do."

[Trevor]

Well, it works for everyone except Trevor. You gotta cycle in some other excuses, brother.

[Hammock Rider]

 I bought a knee brace at a garage sale for a quarter. Kept in in the trunk of my car for impromtu mini vacations. Best money I ever spent.

  Pink Eye also works pretty well. Nobody wants Pink Eye and you can't just take a few aspirin and suck it up.