Blood Gnome (2003)

[Derf]

I picked up this little gem and watched it today. I can hardly believe it wasn't made in the '80s: There is little CGI, it is mostly puppet work about on a level with a straight-to-video release of the '80s, the plot is pure '80s, and it even features Julie Strain. The main thing that betrays it as a non-'80s flick is the actors--they are mostly the too-good-looking and too-young people who cannot say a convincing line under any circumstance (along the same lines as any Andy Sidaris movie).

The plot involves a BDSM Mistress who is feeding her murdered victims to an otherworldly "mother." This "mother" is a toothy vagina-faced octopus in a box that, when fed human flesh, gives birth to Charlie McCarthy sized "gnomes" that look very much like the babies from "It's Alive!" These little varmints go predator-style invisible and attack people who participate in "blood sports," a BDSM derivative that involves cutting your partner and licking their blood off the knife. Because sex dungeons are obviously the most common place people bleed--not hospitals or pro wrestling rings or whatever. Anyway, the gnomes claim to be "next," as in they are going to wipe out humanity (one kinky couple at a time, apparently). A nerdy police photographer discovers the creatures when he uses his handy dandy Sony night vision camcorder (the one that will supposedly film through clothing). He knows nothing about the BDSM community until he meets Divinity, a dominatrix with a heart of gold, who teaches him that people who love extreme, kinky sex are just good people who like things a little different than most folks.

If all this sounds titillating ( ), think again. This movie, while it is a lot of fun in a bad movie way, makes kinky sex seem bland and boring. The creature effects are amateurishly funny, the acting is laughable, and the plot is just silly. The movie works well as a fun, bad movie, but on a sexy scale of 1-10, this ranks about a 3 despite lots of skin being shown at various times. Melissa Pursley is reasonably attractive as the goth dominatrix Divinity, but the rest of the cast are just bland.

I don't know if this one is on Netflix, but if so, those who subscribe to that service might enjoy this movie. I wouldn't recommend spending much on it, though.

[Mofo Rising]

I'd forgotten about this one. I remember seeing it on the shelf at Blockbuster when it first came out, and was intrigued because, well, it was called Blood Gnome. Also I was curious as to how any movie with the word "gnome" in the title could be sexy, as the blurb advertised.

I never watched it though, and it sounds like I dodged a bullet.

[Jack]

I have some extremely vague memories of seeing that about a year ago.  I never would have remembered it except there aren't a lot of movies about the bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism community.  At least not that I watch anyway.  I see I gave it a 3.5/5 because the characters were fairly likable and the monsters were okay looking.  Netflix has got it on DVD, which I'd recommend instead of an actual purchase.

[FatFreddysCat]

(Homer Simpson voice) Mmmmmm... Julie Strain.... (gurgle gurgle)

[Archivist]

Is it just me, or does Julie Strain look like a sexed-up Fran Drescher?

[tahrgat]

I got this film as part of an 8 pack. Thanks for giving me a heads up on this ^.^

[tahrgat]

Okay, so I watched it. Every character in this movie only has one emotional characteristic each, lol. The lead was paranoia. His dead wife was bimbo. His new love interest was apathy. The lead antagonist was comic book villain. The black cop guy was skepticism. The white cop guy was cocky. The lead cop woman was anger. The lesser cop woman was stuck up. Its like a rainbow of bad acting.

[MEWtube]

I agree with tahrgat...and yeah they did somehow manage to make kinky stuff boring. It was interesting in a bad but good because it's so bad kinda way.