Remember that Jesus-action film I came up with?

[Chris K.]

Remember when I brought up my idea for a Jesus-action film, well I was just thinking about it again. Now, it's obviously that no company would touch such an idea. But, how about it being a documentary film, or mockumentary, in the tradition of THIS IS SPINAL TAP and BEST IN SHOW.

This is how it goes: a Hollywood producer is given a script called 'The Resurrection' which is about the life and death of Jesus Christ, but told in an action film theme. The producer knows its junk, but he has a feeling it will be a hit. Therefore, it turns into a behind-the-scenes documentary with "interviews" from real directors, producers, writers, actors and actresses who were involved with the project, or who turned it down due to moral issues. Then between the interviews, the film cuts to some on set behind-the-scenes sequences and yes, even some clips from 'The Resurrection'. And it's all meant to be a comedy.

Here is the list of people who I would like to be involved. But please, add some to the list to make it even more interesting. Also, do you have any ideas for a scene or two that you can suggest?

DIRECTORS:
Mel Brooks, Steven Speilberg, Michael Bay, Martin Scorcese, and James Cameron.

PRODUCERS:
Jerry Bruckheimer

WRITERS:
Larry David
Quintin Tarrentino

ACTORS:
Mel Gibson, Jeff Bridges, Adam Sandler, Steve Bushemi, Christopher Walken, Bill Paxton, Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett, James Farantino, Anthony Hopkins, John Cleese, Michael Palin, Robert DeNero, Al Pacino, Bill Murray, Drew Carrey, Dana Carvey, Charelton Heston, John Travolta, Bruce Willis, Tom Green, Kevin Spacey.

ACTRESSES:
Jennifer Lopez, Mariel Hemmingway, Michelle Pfiffer, Pam Grier, Gwneth Paltro, and Adrianne Barbeau.

[Ash]

Ummmm.  NO!
Look....I'm not trying to be a dick by saying this but......

Not a f**king chance in hell!

To make such a film would be blasphemy and you'd surely be judged before God and condemned to hell for making such filth.
I can just picture you standing before God......

"You made that horrible B-film about My Son!"
"No God!"  Uh, I'm sorry!"
"To Hell with you blasphemer!"
That big ACCESS DENIED sign would pop up in front of you and then.....
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then you'd be like Kenny (from South Park) getting it on with Saddam Hussein & Satan in a sick menoige-a-tios. (however the f**k it's spelled)

You seriously need to get your priorities straight and write about different things.  I'm not trying to dog you (as I'm sure you have many good ideas) but as a Christian I take personal offense at such a ludicrous idea for a film.  
I mean C'mon....you had to know that at least a few people would take offense at such an idea!  
I'm one of them!

Maybe I have this attitude because I lost my only brother in a motorcycle accident last weekend.....

I guess you wrote this post at a particularly sensitive time in my life.  
If it had been any other time I probably wouldn't have raised such a stink.

I'm sure that you've got good ideas......but an action picture with Jesus to me at a time of loss is personally insulting.
Others might love the idea......But me right now.......no way!
Again....remember that I'm going through a difficult time right now and I don't think negatively of you.....just your idea.
I'm not a bad guy.  You just happen to present your idea (in my opinion) at the wrong time.

Some of you guys on here......I swear!!



Post Edited (07-21-03 23:56)

[Mr_Vindictive]

Chris, I think it sounds like a pretty entertaining flick.

I really love Christopher Guests' films and think that  a mockumentary about a doomed Jesus action flick would be hilarious.  I say try it!  Try writing a screenplay for it.  

As for some people, I understand how this would offend them.  But everyone relax.  God obviously has a sense of humor.  Look at our commander in chief.  :o)

[Neville]

People reacted in some extrange ways when I suggested to show the scene when Jesus expulses those merchants from the temple with bullet-time effects like in the first "Matrix". Certainly, I'd pay to see that.

[Chris K.]

ASHTHECAT wrote:

> Ummmm.  NO!
> Look....I'm not trying to be a dick by saying this but......
>
> Not a f**king chance in hell!
>
> To make such a film would be blasphemy and you'd surely be
> judged before God and condemned to hell for making such filth.
> I can just picture you standing before God......
>
> "You made that horrible B-film about My Son!"
> "No God!"  Uh, I'm sorry!"
> "To Hell with you blasphemer!"
> That big ACCESS DENIED sign would pop up in front of you and
> then.....
> "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"
>
> Then you'd be like Kenny (from South Park) getting it on with
> Saddam Hussein & Satan in a sick menoige-a-tios. (however the
> f**k it's spelled)
>
> You seriously need to get your priorities straight and write
> about different things.  I'm not trying to dog you (as I'm sure
> you have many good ideas) but as a Christian I take personal
> offense at such a ludicrous idea for a film.  
> I mean C'mon....you had to know that at least a few people
> would take offense at such an idea!  
> I'm one of them!
>
> Maybe I have this attitude because I lost my only brother in a
> motorcycle accident last weekend.....
>
> I guess you wrote this post at a particularly sensitive time in
> my life.  
> If it had been any other time I probably wouldn't have raised
> such a stink.
>
> I'm sure that you've got good ideas......but an action picture
> with Jesus to me at a time of loss is personally insulting.
> Others might love the idea......But me right now.......no way!
> Again....remember that I'm going through a difficult time right
> now and I don't think negatively of you.....just your idea.
> I'm not a bad guy.  You just happen to present your idea (in my
> opinion) at the wrong time.
>
> Some of you guys on here......I swear!!


Hey man, hold on there a minute. Now, I am truely sorry that you lost your brother to a horrible accident. Don't think that I haven't lost any family members: I've been to two funerals in one year. So I know how you feel. But then, I didn't think this idea was presented at a bad time. Yes, I know it would offend some. But keep it in mind that it's just an idea, nothing more. Now if it ended up happening, well then I would be impressed that someone would take interest!

As for offending you, please don't bear any ill will against me when I say this, but the films offending people is intended to be. I feel you really didn't get the message out of the whole thing, but then I don't blame you for not getting it and I should have explained it earlier. First off, NO WAY IN HELL would a big budget company make a Jesus-action film. I mearly thought that the film would be more like a behind-the-scenes mockumentary; the "Jesus-action film" would be in no way a real film. Basically, a bunch of big budget actors/actresses/producers/writers/directors sitting in front of a camera and "discussing" their involvements/non-involement in a project that we all know "doesn't exist" and will never exist in the real world (or so we think). And basically, it would have one hell of a social commentary which is that Hollywood will take a historical incident, be it a part of American history or even the Bible for that matter, and disgard the real facts and turn it into a dumed down, historically inaccurate film made to cash in on the big bucks. Take a look at BRAVEHEART, THE PATRIOT, and PEARL HARBOR. Three films that take a part of history and turn it into garbage, all for the sake of appealing to the "masses" and making a quick buck. Yes, the idea of a Jesus-action film is offensive (and so is DEAD ALIVE-that scene with the kung-fu fighting priest, I'm sure some are offended by that in some strange way. I know I wasn't, but still.). But it is intended to be offensive to get the point out there: Hollywood goes for the simple things that we all know of and turns it into offensive subject matter. That's the whole point! Without that message, then honestly what would the idea end up as? Nothing.

Even so, I would sure as Hell put a disclaimer saying that the film is fake and that their has NEVER been a Jesus-action film ever made. And honestly, I didn't think that the others on this board were offended when I brought up the idea when it was first announced here about Mel Gibson making THE PASSION. And let's not forget that Kevin Smith's DOGMA (and baby, THAT film was offensive), while getting alot of bad rap from the Church, sitll made a lot of money due to that publicity. Again, the message is there and it's in my idea. And don't get me started on THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST!

Anyway, keep this in mind that I don't mean to bring any ill will towards anybody here. But the idea's intentions are intended to offend to get the message out there: it's to show that Hollywood has no soul when it comes to bastardization, and that they will never learn no matter what. And if it has to take a mocumentary about a phony Jesus-action film to teach people that, then so be it. Sorry I didn't explain it earlier.

In either case, thanks for the imput ASHTHECAT. And again, I am very sorry about what happened to your brother. But please, don't think that I have no soul or anything. I have lost two family members and I have had a tough time dealing with it as well.

And on a small note, I have relayed this idea to my some of my family members and they thought it would be quite funny and definately got the joke. And most of my family is made up of Catholic, Lutherian, and Jehova's Witness!

[Chris K.]

ASHTHECAT wrote:

> Then you'd be like Kenny (from South Park) getting it on with
> Saddam Hussein & Satan in a sick menoige-a-tios. (however the
> f**k it's spelled)

And really ASTHECAT, is this comment really nessisary! I mean, if you hate my idea that's fine with me. But do we have to be THAT EXTREME!

[Bernie]

Or how about a martial arts film?  KUNG FU JESUS, anyone?  

I would love to see Christopher Guest and Company play with this idea.  But it would have to be played STRAIGHT to be funny.  A dimwitted third-rate director who thinks he's got a great property on his hands and can't understand why some people would find it offensive!  

Of course it wouldn't be about blaspheming Jesus; it would be about how pop culture capitalism tarnishes everything and everyone it touches to the point where the only measure of taste is ... success.

And I love the Matrix-style action idea.  And explosions.  Lots of explosions....

[Mr_Vindictive]

I can't help but keep laughing when I think of this idea.  It's great.  I keep thinking a Ramboesque version of Jesus.  Especially the bullet time styling!  

I don't think that most of the public would actually take offense to this type of film.  I think that most would get the point and would understand the meaning behind it, instead of jumping off into a rant of how blasphemous (sp?) it is.  I mean, the public has a sense of humor. Most people aren't going to take offense to a film like this if it is done tastefully.  I say "Hell Yeah! Go For It!"!  

One must wonder if Jesus would have the Holy Hand Grenade?  


Oh yeah, and there has been a Jesus action/horror film

"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter"

[dean]

this idea really reminds me of a mock movie poster i saw in a magazine i have at home [which i can't find at the moment :( ]  which had the title 'Bible II, Jesus Strikes Back', with the other line 'This Time He's Not So Forgiving', with Ben Affleck playing Jesus, Sean Connery playing God, and Al Pacino as the Devil [surprise surprise] and the poster had Affleck in a jetpack with Dr Evil from Austin Powers as a roman emperor, one of the blues brothers and  George Clooney with a moses beanie in a speedboat and two stone tablets [there are others but the list goes on]

it looked to me like an indiana jones style movie with jesus in it, and it certainly sparked my interest in the idea of a very dodgy film that would actually do that [and then i watched 'Dogma']

this mockumentary is a pretty good idea, provided it's pulled off with a bit of 'class' [a term used very loosely in these ideas!] and i wouldn't mind trying that idea as a film myself!

just remember there's a movie reviewed on this site called jesus christ: vampire slayer, i'm pretty sure your idea is a lot classier and more respectful than that one!

[AndyC]

George Carlin once said that anything can be funny, depending on how you construct the joke. In this case, I think Chris has it just right. The movie would not be mocking Jesus, but ridiculing the bunch of idiots trying to turn him into an action hero.

A couple of possible scenes:

- As Jesus' friends are picked off by the bad guys, he simply raises them from the dead. Kind of like Dragonball Z, in a way. For that matter, you could have the various disciples taking turns holding off the bad guy until Jesus can make it back from the other side.

- An escape from an exploding building or other danger that requires running across the sea. Of course, one straggler who lacks faith will go swimming.

Jokes with a religious basis don't offend me. The fact that somebody knows his bible well enough to make a good one is actually encouraging, in a way.

[spikesangel]

i'm a christian myself and i would dig this movie.
but Jennifer Lopez?  is she playing a whore?  that's the only role fer her.

[Chris K.]

See, now some are starting to get it. But one must consider this: Jesus Christ and Christian Religion are not being made fun of in this idea. In the film AIRPLANE!, Robert Stack summed it up to Lloyd Bridges very clearly when Bridges was in doubt of the film's humor: Stack said, "Lloyd, we're the joke."

So it's really the cast and the story that becomes "the joke" in this mocumentary. Hell, the cast list in itself should be sparking a few chuckles. I knew I laughed a couple of times when I read the cast list to myself. Quintin Tarrinteno is the "co-writer who cranks out the action scenes", Michael Bay is "the director who saw his vision", Jerry Bruckheimer is "the producer who knows the smell of money", Mel Gibson is the "actor who refused to do such a blasphemous film for his own reasons", Oliver Stone is the "director who refused to make the film because of the script", Adam Sandler stars because "he want's to be taken seriously", Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are the "b***hy pre-madona's who get yelled at by the co-producer", etc. The cast is the ridiculousness to the film.

[spikesangel]

wow, how can i get a job on this movie?
if this ever became a real film, i'd just have to be able to say "i helped vacuum the floors on the set!"

[Ash]

No offense taken......

[The Burgomaster]

How about a Jesus sci-fi flick? A few of the following titles might work:

* JESUS CHRIST: 2177 A.D. (hmmmmmm . . . A.D.????)

* PLANET JESUS

* JESUS CHRIST, SPACE CADET

* JESUS CHRIST CONQUERS THE UNIVERSE

* JESUS GOES TO MARS

* JESUS CHRIST, ACROSS THE 5TH DIMENSION

(Excuse me. I have to go to confession now . . . )