Texas Chainsaw Massacred

[Brother Ragnarok]

Anyone care to join me in taking a dump on Michael Bay's grave when he dies?  It started out pretty promising (aside from subjecting us to a Lynyrd Skynyrd song), and the house where the family lives was pretty cool, especially in those backlit foggy shots.  And R. Lee Ermey is always cool.  But... *probably some spoilers if you actually give a flying turd about this diseased scrotum of a movie anyway*

1.  They unmasked Leatherface, what the hell?
2.  They gave them one of those "human interest" sympathetic motives besides just being crazy-ass cannibals, removing all scariness from the family.
3.  Actual conversation from production meeting:  "Remember that meat hook bit in the original?  Well, we're gonna BEAT THE AUDIENCE MERCILESSLY OVER THE HEAD WITH f**kING MEAT HOOKS THE WHOLE GODDAM MOVIE!"
4.  More conversation from production meeting:  "Aw crap.  Our movie has no suspense or atmosphere whatsoever.  Looks like we're gonna have to rely on sudden jolts of really really loud chainsaw noises and bright unexpected flashes of sparks to scare the crowd."  "But won't that just give them a headache?"  "Ssshhh."
5.  She runs into the only building for miles, exactly where the crazy man would expect to look for you, instead of running into the woods and escaping.
6.  She ignores the readily available chainsaw lying on the floor with which to slaughter her opponent not once but TWICE?!
7.  What the hell was all that crap with the stolen kid?  Where does that figure AT ALL in the rest of the movie?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre - starring Michael Bay's bottomless checkbook and Jessica Biel's breasts.  Begging to be ignored in a theater near you.

Brother R

[Ash]

Tsk Tsk Tsk.  (shakes head)

Brother R.  You should've read all the horrid reviews before wasting your hard earned money to see this!

Strictly a "wait for video" thing for me.

If I'm gonna be disappointed in a film, I'd rather pay $2 to see it on video than $7.75 or $8.00 in the theater.

You know what the really sad thing is?
I have some friends who are, shall we say, not too bright, easily amused and always high who absolutely LOVED this film.
They're the kind of friends who, when you explain something simple to them that EVERYONE should know and is general common knowledge....they go(with eyes glazed over), "Ohhhhhhhhhh  I didn't know that."

Dumbasses!
(not you Brother R.)



Post Edited (10-19-03 14:25)

[Susan]

I wish they'd quit plugging it as based on a true story. It took me awhile to convince a girl I work with it isn't, that it's loosly based on the profile of Ed Gein...I mean isn't that common knowledge already?

[mr. henry]

yeah, i had no interest in seeing this remake. the only thing that looked promising was the use of the same "camera flash noise" from the original.

i went with my gut and saw kill bill again instead.

[Mr_Vindictive]

I too saw this flick last night.  Actually my wife and I grabbed the last two tickets, it was sold out through the midnight show.  

My main complaint with the flick is that when it was slow, it was SLOW.  When the action kicked in, it was FAST.  It seemed unbalanced the entire time.  There was also the quick cut editing and filming which seems to be the new "bullet time".  I don't want the camera to frigging shake during the action.  I want to actually be able to see what the hell is going on.  

Another thing that seriously bothered me was the fact that the main characters that were actually expanded on DIED OFF SCREEN!  Who in the hell came up with this idea!?  I wanted to see the main characters eat it right in front of me.....but nooooo.  The film also seemed to be overly polished.  It was too....pretty.

Aside from my complaints, I did have a decent time watching it.  We even get somewhat of a frame story that revolves around the "Massacre" case being reopened.  This consists mainly of some police footage of the house that ends pretty well.

As I've said before, I HATED the original and actually had more fun with this one.  But, the original will always be better in my mind due to the fact that is of course the original.  Go see this film expecting a sequel...not a remake.



The best time to be had at this film is with the previews.  Not only did I finally get to see a preview for Dawn Of The Dead (which looks pretty bad btw), but I also got to see an ubercool trailer for Resident Evil 2 which kinda snuck up on me.  Great stuff.


As Brother R said, they do unmask Leatherface....but atleast he's not a homosexual as he was in TCM: 4.

[Ellie]

Man, that camera flash noise sure is creepy...

[wickednick]

Well im going to see this movie dispite all the bad reviews.My friend who has never seen the original, hes seen the sequals though, wants desperatly to see it.I don't know why, but then again this guy has rented movies worse than half the movies ive seen reviewed on this website.I actually have been wanting go see Kill Bill but he thinks it looks stupid.What can I do to change my friends mind so I don't have to go see Kill Bill alone,I hate seeing movies by my self.

[Brother Ragnarok]

Tell him if he doesn't go see Kill Bill with you Sonny Chiba will punch him in the head and make his eyeballs fall out.

Brother R

[frannie]

Brother Ragnarok wrote:

> 7.  What the hell was all that crap with the stolen kid?  Where
> does that figure AT ALL in the rest of the movie?

in the trunk of a junked car they found some photos in a jar.  the hitchhiker from the beginning was in the photo along with her family.  kid was in the photo too.

[mr. henry]

well, after seeing KB three times, i decided it was time to see something different. i love TCM (original and 2 was ok) and wanted to compare.

the new "TCM" has no atmosphere whatsoever. it spends more time on the character of the cop than anyone else.

the set from the original was brilliant (check out the elite dvd doc.). who can forget the grandma in the attic or the "grandpa hammer the girl's head" scene from the original. this "remake" is a bastardization of the TCM name. the new flick has nothing made out of bones or skin or anything. the characters don't even look creepy. how could you not have the creepy hitchiker from the original. who can forget when he cuts his hand.

my sister hates horror but likes TCM (original) for some reason. she saw it on a college campus and thought it was supposed  to be funny. boy, i'll bet she was surprised. whe wanted to go see the "remake" with me before she knew it was a remake, she thought it was a re-release.

there should be a re-release a la Alien in theaters. show the kiddies what's what.

[wickednick]

God damn't I hate this f**king remake.My friend finally dragged me to this movie, and god did it ever f**king suck.It was just f**king boring to watch.Most of the time it was just people talking and crying.When someone actually did die  there deaths were off screen while the camera zoomed in on a nearby object that had blood splatter on it.There was just no f**king atmospere in this movie,no scares,no creepy charectors, just f**king nothing.I didn't mind seeing leather face unmasked, but they could have made him creepier.
Why did they take out the orginal family memebers,these new ones suck.The first ones were crazy,and psychotic and most of all memorable, but I couldn't even tell you any of the names of the new ones.And just why in god name did they screw up leather face. They just completely missed the point on his charector.He wasn't killing people because he had some deformity and was shuned, like they said in the remake.Damn't leather face killed people because he was a f**king butcher.He didn't care if you were human you still looked like food.Also the mask of human skin he wore was to make up for his own lack of identity,he would take the faces of others to give him some kind of identity.
If you want to see a remake of Texas Chainsaw then go see House of a 1000 Corpses or Wrong Turn.Both movies are better than this piece of s**t.

[mr. henry]

and the really sad part is the sqeaky clean chains will ditch their tapes (if they already haven't) of the original, and buy walls and walls full of this new crap.

[Scott]

*****Possible Spoilers********

My daughter went with her friends to see TCM and she loved it. She was really scared by this movie at 15 years old. She mentioned that there was real footage of the real Texas Chainsaw Massacre at the beginning and end of the film. Is this true? Something about a police officer going into the basement with a camera man and getting killed. Leather face sitting a chair like the other dead. Then he gets up and kills the police and camera man. (Something like that). Is this acurate? Is there actually footage of the real leather face caught on film?

[wickednick]

LOL! No there never was a real Texas Chainsaw Massacre.Its all made up.If you think about it, it becomes really clear because if this was a true story then why was this movie so diffrent from the original.Its nothing but a s**ty remake.If you want your daughter to  experince a real horror movie go rent the original.

[mr. henry]

do your daughter a favor and rent her the orginal TCM...there's a real film

not all, but some youth just don't get it. the cooler ones do though.