Lies You've Told?

[ER]

For a class in twelfth grade I once told the teacher I gathered fossils locally, that really came from a museum gift shop, and some were from the other side of the world. I didn't get away with that one, but he just teased me about it. (I had a long history with that teacher, so I was pretty sure he wasn't actually going to cause me trouble over it, just rolled the dice.)

At my wits end one particularly hyperactive day I told my cousin's little boy, whom I'd sometimes watch, that if he got out of this chair when I was in the bathroom he'd cause a plane taking animals to the pet store to crash. I don't think he fell for it but he didn't want to take chances either. (I told him later I was only kidding. He was a good lad and I felt bad for fibbing like that.)

I was also walking through a cemetery one day and came across a funeral party, made my way over with what I hoped was discretion, and a girl about my age standing along the outside started talking to me, and I sort of winged a story about being there to pay my respects, instead of admitting I was crashing a graveside service like some sort of necrophiliac, and when it was over she hugged me and said thanks for coming, and it turned out it was her great-grandpa being buried. I didn't know whether to feel like a schmuck or tell myself I'd maybe helped a little by being there and letting her talk to me about how much she loved him.

But a lie that makes me face palm belongs to a cousin of mine who went to an intervention once (stoned) and could not think of a darn bad thing the boy in question had ever done to her or around her, in fact he used to sell her real good pot, so when it came to her turn to talk she said generalities like you'd hear on an after school special, and when she got done everyone was looking at her, and the counselor said thank you, Dee, and wow that was brave of her to be so honest, and asked her to please lead the serenity prayer, and later the guy she was there for said the things she said were what tipped him into realizing he needed rehab because he never knew that's what he was like. But she made it all up!

I think, though, the craziest lie in history was when Archduke Ferdinand faked his assassination in Sarajevo in 1914, to get away from the crowds for a while. He was so embarrassed by that whole "World War One thing" that resulted, he laid low for ages.

[indianasmith]

"I would never have done such a thing when I was in high school!"  - while holding in hysterical laughter because it's EXACTLY the sort of thing I would have done.

[javakoala]

Hmm...let me see.

"He was already dead when I got here."

"Since I don't want to pay $50 to replace my apartment key, I just use my student ID to pop the door open."

"Someone told me I could eat these, but I don't see them anymore."

"No, really, I feel great. Don't worry. I swear, I'm not going to do anything stupid or dangerous."

"I think I can handle another Long Island Ice Tea."

[akiratubo]

Everything I say is a lie.  I am lying.

[claws]

In my teens I used to lie that I'm older to get into movies or clubs. Always hoping they don't ask for ID and in most cases they didn't :)

[ER]

I volunteered as a literacy mentor through the public library when I was seventeen, and you had to be twenty-one to be active in that so I....kind of mislead them about my age. Whoops.

I also once went to confession as a teenager and at the end had to profess to be "heartily sorry" for the things I brought up, when in plain truth I couldn't wait to get out of there and make every effort to do most of them again.

[Alex]

Hmmm, well assuming all the praying I had to do when my parents used to drag me to church doesn't count I'd do with "It was broken when I found it".

[alandhopewell]

     This is the lie that makes me feel the worst....

    When I was twelve (1968) I stole twelve dollars from my mother's purse, and blew it on junk, toys, movies, like that. I gave the toys away because if I'd brought them home, she'd ask me how I got them. She did ask me about the money, and I denied knowing anything about it, although I'm pretty sure she knew. I was a rotten kid back then.

    I just looked it up, and $12 then was the same as $85.46 now.  Ma didn't work a straight gig, but she worked hard raising three boys by herself, and sacrificed stuff for herself so we could have what we needed, even what we wanted sometimes....I wish I could explain why I was like that, but it mystifies me, even now.

[ER]

    This is the lie that makes me feel the worst....

    When I was twelve (1968) I stole twelve dollars from my mother's purse, and blew it on junk, toys, movies, like that. I gave the toys away because if I'd brought them home, she'd ask me how I got them. She did ask me about the money, and I denied knowing anything about it, although I'm pretty sure she knew. I was a rotten kid back then.

    I just looked it up, and $12 then was the same as $85.46 now.  Ma didn't work a straight gig, but she worked hard raising three boys by herself, and sacrificed stuff for herself so we could have what we needed, even what we wanted sometimes....I wish I could explain why I was like that, but it mystifies me, even now.

The nice thing about mothers, Alan, is they almost never hold their children's misdeeds against them. I'm sure she took it in stride and loved you no matter what. Purloined money, hundred-dollar Nine West pumps put in the bathtub as a boat, we roll with it, and after a bit it's all good. So forgive yourself.