Best Insults Without Swearing

[Olivia Bauer]

GO!

[Alex]

This is a quote from someone who chose to pick a personal fight with me on a topic I felt quite passionate about (racism). She'd said she was really smart and had a degree to which I replied "My compass has 360 degrees but it is a dumb as a stump."

Anyway she then PM'd me and this is part of the conversation.

"Your parents must been damn proud when they see what an ignorant b***h they have brought up."

"Parent. One of them died before I was born."

"Lucky them then. They were saved the heartache of wondering where they went wrong."

I got told I was going to hell for that one. Given the views she was expressing, I'll take my chances.


Another one for use during an arguement with a parent is "I am exactly who you raised me to be!"

"Are you sure when you were born it was the afterbirth they threw away?"

"It is bad enough having the poor taste to be born with ginger hair without growing a beard to advertise the fact."

"Last time I saw a mouth as big as yours there was a bus going down it. Sideways."

"Do people like you need a licence to breed?"

"When you did your IQ test did you fail it?"

(This one was after a ex screamed "f**k you" at me) "Pfft, been there, done that and honey you ain't that good."

"I know you are a woman, but if you don't stop complaining the next shop we pass I am going to see if they'll sell you a can of 'Man the f**k up'."

"Do you have to use a crayon to write with and how many times do you need to pick it up before you get the right end?"

"Did you burn your face this morning and slash up your uniform? I just wondered if you got your iron and razor mixed up this morning from the mess of them."

"Can you stand on a chair? Its the only way I can think of to raise your IQ."

[Alex]

"I think you need to head home. Your village is missing its idiot."

"Everytime you speak my soul dies a little."

"Does everyone have more eyeballs than teeth where you come from?"

"Your parents.... swim a lot in the shallow end of the gene pool do they?"

[Alex]

"If your mother got you from a sperm bank she is entitled to a refund."

"I expect some people to perform miracles. Not you though."

"Holy crap, did you get your tapes (rank tabs) in a christmas cracker?"

"You don't understand. It isn't that I don't trust him with a gun. I wouldn't trust him with a wooden spoon!"

"No offence sir, but I have chest hair older than you."

In reply to being asked to give one good reason why I didn't want to have sex with someone. "My sense of smell." (She'd also had sex with 7 other guys the same night).

[bob]

! No longer available

[ER]

A West Virginia Pentecostal once said to teenage me: "Jesus doesn't want Catholics for sunbeams." Guess it was only an attempted insult, though, since I couldn't stop laughing.


Someone else once remarked: "Sex with you is like masturbation." (Shot me right down.)


Then there was the time I was working on an Air Force base and an airman said to no one in particular: "There are times I think the sperm that made Major ______ had double the genes that create a***oles." (Is that swearing?)


But one that always takes me back was this absolutely unpleasant professor who had everyone read our papers in class, and this girl read hers and when she was done the professor sat silently for a second staring at her and asked, "Is that it?" The girl said, "It was short and sweet." That professor said, "Just like your grade's going to be."

[indianasmith]

Let's see - some classics:

From William F. Buckley:  "I will not insult your intelligence by presuming to think you actually believe what you just said."
Winston Churchill:  "He is a very modest man with much to be modest about."
    "He has all the virtues I despise and none of the vices I admire."
    "Tell him I am on the privy and can only take one sh** at a time!"

And a great exchange from yesteryear:  Samuel Foote: "I believe that in a year you shall be dead of the pox or hanging from the gallows!"
                                                           The Earl of Sandwich: "That depends, sir, upon whether I first embrace your principles or your mistress."

And, finally, from an 8th grade student of mine a few years back:  "I am going to punch you so hard that I will drive your nose deep into your skull, so you can finally smell just how stupid you really are!"  Pure genius.

[Svengoolie 3]

Ok here's some of mine.

"The doctor who circumcised you threw away the wrong piece. "

"Now I know why you have so many chins,  it's to hide your circumcision scar. "

"Why do trump supporters (or any group you don't like) have their weddings in pastures?  To keep the flies off the brides. "

"What's the difference between women who support trump (or any women you don't like)  and Apple?  Apple switches to a new pad more often. "

[BoyScoutKevin]

I don't know about BEST, but here are some I have always enjoyed, since I 1st heard them. 2 from films, then 2 from politics.

A critic's response to a film performance by Katherine Hepburn.
"She ran the gamut of emotions from A to B."

And a critic's response to the film "I Am a Camera."
"Me no Leica."

And the political ones seen on a couple of placards at the anti-Trump march, when he was in London (U.K.) Or, as I say: "If you want a bit of wit, then get a Brit."
"Feed him to the corgis."
and a double dipper slamming Trump and the ex-Mayor of London.
"Yankee go home and take Boris Johnson with you."

[The Burgomaster]

Back in the day, when we were cruising around in someone's car and saw a woman walking down the street:

"Nice ass. Too bad your face looks like it."

[Trevor]

Afrikaans, my second language is a wonderfully diverse language and lends itself to huge insults which to those who don't know the language can sound like compliments. 

[ER]

Yo' momma so poor she aborted your brother just to get the crackers and orange juice!

[lester1/2jr]

donkey

[316zombie]

for some reason unknown to me, the insult that causes conservative heads to spin is" reading comprehension is NOT your friend." . mind you these are NOT nice conservatives like many i know, these are people who call for genocide, etc...

[ER]

for some reason unknown to me, the insult that causes conservative heads to spin is" reading comprehension is NOT your friend." . mind you these are NOT nice conservatives like many i know, these are people who call for genocide, etc...

Probably a better word for the poltical designation of those idiots would be "reactionaries". Conservatives are opposites of liberals; reactionaries are the opposites of leftist radicals. It's a matter of degree and genocide isn't part of conservatism. Conservatives are the counterculturalists of the 2010s. Conservatives hold the fort against the spinning compass of the mainstream.