Things your Dad usta say.

[ER]

"You're eating a cereal called muesli? That sounds like something a sailor would cough up."

[ER]

"You want me to tell you which dress looks better on you? This is a trick question and that's the exact same dress, right?"

[ER]

"When you were born I thought, she's so beautiful and tiny and s**t, I better get a better job."

[ER]

"I am not trying to censor you, I'm just saying, you can't watch Twin Peaks."

[ER]

"Every time the Princess got out of her bath when we'd watch Clash of the Titans together when you were little, I'd send you to the kitchen to 'buy me a soft drink from the fridge' and you never caught on I didn't want you to see that part, so don't try to tell me how shrewd you are."

[ER]

"You're reading The Celestine Prophecy on purpose? You aren't in a cult, are you?"

[ER]

"I don't think anybody could do that gently with a chainsaw. Yes, I heard you say that today."

[ER]

"I sent you to Catholic school for thirteen years for that tie you gave me for Father's Day in 1981."

[ER]

"Your cousin's godmother's little sister kept calling me when I was in high school and would bake cookies and send them to me in college, and when I was back home she kept pestering me to go out with her, so I did for a while, and I'd tell her well, I have to go back to college, see, so maybe you should find someone here at home, but she hung on, and then she kept writing and telling me how much your grandma and your aunt and her own mom wanted us to get engaged, and the fact was I never liked her very much because she was boring and pushy at the same time and acted like it was the 1950s instead of the 1970s, and so when I came home and she still tried to dog my every step and tell me what to do and talked about getting engaged, I did her a favor and showed her what boys in 1976 were really after and she actually went and whined to your grandma about how I used her and lead her on and broke her heart and dumped her, telling her I had no intentions of marrying anybody for a decade, then I married your mom the next year, and that's why to this day when I see her or her sister in church, like at your cousin's confirmation that day, they both look at me like they want me to die where I'm standing. Um, yes, this is another father-daughter cautionary tale about why boys are total scum, how'd you guess?"

[ER]

"When I was a child my grandma told me if I didn't cuss til I was twenty-one she'd buy me a gold pocket watch, and if I did cuss before then she'd still buy me the watch, only it'd be engraved with the words I HAVE A POTTYMOUTH."

[RCMerchant]

"I'll beat your ass red as a beet!"
That one always killed me!  

Here's another howler-
" I'll kick your ass into the future!"  

[ER]

I remember my dad used the word "the" a lot.

[chainsaw midget]

"What's that have to do with the price of tea in Red China?"

[ER]

"Whenever you say something so crazy it floors me, I remember you got half your DNA from your mother, then I begin to understand."

[ER]

"No, I always expected you'd run off with the Romany or join a doomsday cult in the desert, so you marrying the man you did didn't surprise me too much."