Brag About Yourself!

[ER]

I can organize a closet like John Henry could lay track! I mean I never met a closet I could not tackle. The closet of Mr. Fibber McGee of Wistful Vista would not have stood a chance at my organizing skills, no siree bob! I can whip a closet into order like a drill sergeant can straighten up a bus of raw recruits. Even the spiders in the corners flee before rumors of my approach. I am....a closet organizing deity!

[Leah]

I've been told that I look good in a dress.

[Svengoolie 3]

Despite a troubled childhood and a lot of abuse, even torture,  I refused to let myself fall into drug addictio or alcoholism.

[RCMerchant]

Despite a troubled childhood and a lot of abuse, even torture,  I refused to let myself fall into drug addictio or alcoholism.

I never got addcito'ed to any drugs. I like pot.
I am a drunk!
I am a good cartoonist, though!

[Gabriel Knight]

I can spot hidden frames in movies like Walt Disney did. I'm convinced that this particular super power will someday save not only myself, but the whole world. Well, maybe a city or a small town, but still.

[Svengoolie 3]

Despite a troubled childhood and a lot of abuse, even torture,  I refused to let myself fall into drug addictio or alcoholism.

I never got addcito'ed to any drugs. I like pot.
I am a drunk!
I am a good cartoonist, though!

Yes you are. I still say you should try marketing your surreal and somewhat disturbing art .  Ever do classic monsters like the origjnnla universal ones?

[RCMerchant]

Despite a troubled childhood and a lot of abuse, even torture,  I refused to let myself fall into drug addictio or alcoholism.

I never got addcito'ed to any drugs. I like pot.
I am a drunk!
I am a good cartoonist, though!

Yes you are. I still say you should try marketing your surreal and somewhat disturbing art .  Ever do classic monsters like the origjnnla universal ones?

Oh yes. That's how I started drawing. By looking at photos of in Famous Monsters magazine, and drawing them. But I always did my own s**t- because if I make a mistake- no one will know! Because you can't compare it to anything!
My cousin Terri Camfield has a picture a gave her in 1973 I drew of Bela Lugosi as Dracula! I drew LOTS of monsters!

[RCMerchant]

I can wiggle my ears. What I mean is I can move them back and forth.

I can put one eyebrow really low- and the other really high.

I can make my upper lip twitch.

I can flare my nosrtils - ya know-! my nose breathing holes! Independent of one another!
If i close one eye-my perspective of things shifts. If I look out the other eye-it shifts again!
If I stand still and blink my eyes independtly, people think I'm crazy! "WTF is he doing?"

[claws]

I can go months without touching my smartphone. Not many smartphone users can say the same.

[ER]

I can go months without touching my smartphone. Not many smartphone users can say the same.

Are....you saying you handle your smartphone while wearing gloves? 

[indianasmith]

Let's see - I have five traditionally published novels, no mean feat in a very competitive book market.
I've taught school for 24 years at the same campus and have been a (mostly) positive influence in the lives of hundreds of kids.
I've generally tried to be a decent and consistent person in a world full of wickedness.


And I have the world's sexiest nostrils!!   

[Alex]

I can make random women flee in terror with just one sentence.

[ER]

Aw, hell, why not a long post?

Last summer my daughter went across to visit my grandmother and a few weeks after she was there, her father went over to surprise her and spend a week there with her.

While he was there, he fell victim to a prank Irish think is very funny, the old, let's get an American s**tfaced wasted (because no American can hold his booze, Irish claim), so they conned my husband into day-tripping to Dublin while our daughter stayed back with relatives, and they took him on apocalyptic crawl and ended up giving my husband, who is even less of a drinker than I am, a shot of something that was almost like pure alcohol. Even the Irish didn't touch it and they tricked him into downing it along with them but they had vodka instead.

Bam, he was.....yeah.

So this skanky woman who was there with a few of my relatives and their friends, sat and did cocaine at the table of this club right in front of everyone, Miss Princess of the Place, and decided it'd be fun to give the American pretty boy a blowjob under the table.

Well.

My husband, after almost a week of celibacy I might note, did the near impossible and turned down a tongue twister from a decent-looking Irish blonde, though in his state his resistance was clumsy and a scene happened, much to the hilarity of the Irish dips**ts of my extended family who will forevermore bring the occasion up as long as I live, so help me God.

My husband told me about all this and I wasn't pleased with his judgment falling in on a pub crawl that was like a boozy snipe hunt, but I wasn't mad at him, in fact I was touched and....grateful (?) he managed to get himself out of the clutches of a would-be blower of a visiting American.

But I was upset at my family, upset at their friends, upset at myself for not thinking to warn him of what a game it is to get Americans beyond drunk as God knows they tried on me enough times, even a little upset with the publican and his family who went along with serving a grain alcohol which ought to be illegal and I possibly could have sued him or the brewery that held the license for what is termed over there "misconduct by a licensee." (Like serving someone a health-endangering amount of liquor, for instance.) I got over it but I didn't like it and told my cousin off and our grandmother told my cousin off, and my daughter told my cousin off, and even one of her friends later told her that was not a cool thing to do. She said sorry, and I forgave her as I do more or less love her.

What I could not shake off, what wiggled in my brain like a red-hot maggot was the woman under the table.

When someone does something to me, I usually let it roll off my back, even big things. I see no point in revenge, I've let some major s**t go by in my life----the dude who smashed my head into a wall in college, the ex-uncle who sued me over a will, a chick who threw a cigarette into my face, my friend's brother giving me GHB the night of the football championship, even the a***ole who killed the man I was going to marry----but I have a mania for going after people who intrude on my family. Had this been in our single days I'd have laughed the blowjob attempt off, but somehow what that woman did got tangled up in my thinking, it made me reflect on the fact we have children, she knew he had children, she didn't care, just thought she'd notch her an American, and things like that can mess up families.

She could have wrecked my children's happy home.

I tried to let it go, I did, I even prayed about it, oh God come on, help me not to be cold in my rage at some stupid slut being what she is but finally I woke up one day not long after knowing what I was going to do. I felt great peace.

I asked my cousin where that woman lived and if she knew the name of her dealer. Eventually she told me, so I did a private hire of an off-duty Garda constable (did you know you can hire off-duty police in most departments, including Dubin, Ireland?) and had him watch this woman for me. It didn't take long for her to want more cocaine and meet up with her dealer, and well....

Funny part is she was on probation for another matter and a drug arrest got that revoked and she was put in what the Irish call a remand centre, where she had to stay until all this was cleared up. She lost her job, her flat, her dealer dumped her, she got ordered into a health service rehab stint. Ultimately she served the best part of sixty days before it was called even by the justice system, and you know, I've tried to tell myself that was petty of me, un-Christian, and I've tried to tell myself I should try harder to live up to the "vengeance is mine" bits of this religion I do try to follow though it's not in my heathen nature to follow, but goddamn it felt good to settle up with that woman!

I mean, OK, I've worked since I was seventeen in a job that will ultimately be responsible for my death, I may be living on borrowed time, worse case I won't be there to see my children grow up, but I figure what is the use of having money if it can't make you happy once in a while, and three-grand renting a cop to ruin an enemy's life is money well spent.

Moral here? That Irish slut shouldn't have f**ked with a semi-doomed woman whose one overriding instinct is to look out for her family. And you know what? That was me going after her legally, as my job requires. (I have to be very, very law-abiding in my career.) But I am part of a team that watches each other and would have taken things another direction if I'd wanted. But I didn't, and I won't. I never will. I obey laws. And getting even and breaking no laws feels fun. I'm proud I went that direction.

Me bragging on myself.

[LilCerberus]

In a 2016 promo for WRIR, I did an impression of Donald Trump that was so spot on, that it offended everybody, and they all refused to play it...

No, really. No offensive language or anything, those lefty loonies were just repulsed by how convincing it was.

Leaves a voice over artist with mixed feelings, but then, the monster truck rally promo was already taken...

[ER]

In a 2016 promo for WRIR, I did an impression of Donald Trump that was so spot on, that it offended everybody, and they all refused to play it...

No, really. No offensive language or anything, those lefty loonies were just repulsed by how convincing it was.

Leaves a voice over artist with mixed feelings, but then, the monster truck rally promo was already taken...

I've never seen anyone make people lose their minds quite like President Trump.