Bad Movie Alert: SKELETON MAN

[Foywonder]

"Watch your topknot Soldier Blue. Cotton Mouth Joe, he's a coming for you."

Umm...Say what? Let’s try that again.

"High in the swirling mists of the Appalachian wilderness, crack commandos have been disappearing whilst on maneuvers.

A team of elite operators are sent in to investigate. What they find is an unseen enemy so terrifying, so unimaginably deadly that only the sheer determination to survive will keep them going.

Hunting in the desolate hills for over four hundred years, the Skeleton Man is the ancient horror that has come to visit, and he's not going to leave without a fight."

Well, that was awfully vague, no? Let's try the IMDB plot description.

"A co-ed group of Special Forces agents search the wilderness for a predator type creature that has been on a killing spree."

Still pretty vague, so I did a bit more looking into this one. Turns out what we have here is an action horror movie in the vein of Predator and Sleepy Hollow in which good looking model types in paramilitary gear out in the woods get scalped and skewered by a cloaked, horseback riding, Native American demon creature named Cotton Mouth Joe. Sound interesting to you? Didn’t think so. But what if I told you it stars Casper Van Dien and will premiere on the Sci-Fi Channel this weekend?

For those of you that didn’t click to another link after reading that last sentence, I have to warn you that I've got a gut feeling Skeleton Man will be infinitely worse than what we’re used to getting from the Sci-Fi Channel. For one thing, Nu Image co-produced the film; and whenever Nu Image is involved, the potential is there for either delicious cheese or the usual crap-on-a-stick. Secondly, Skeleton Man was originally scheduled for a DVD release in March of last year but fell off the face of the planet somewhere along the way. Word is the original writer/director quit the production and insisted his name be taken off the film after seeing the dailies and realizing he didn't want to be associated with it in any way, shape, or form. And the final sign of potential wretchedness? Whenever the Sci-Fi Channel debuts an original Saturday night movie they make a little promotional page for the film on their website. But not for Skeleton Man!

The horror/action flick makes its unceremonious premiere on the Sci-Fi Channel this Saturday night at 9 PM EST with a replay four hours later. Skeleton Man also stars the underrated and underutilized Michael Rooker so we should all tune in if for no other reason than to hold some sort of group vigil for the poor man. Like I said before, I have a really bad feeling about this one.

[Mr. Hockstatter]

When the trailer includes someone quoting Predator, badly - "If it breathes, I can kill it"...no hon, it's "bleeds"...well, not too good.  The commandos look rather, um moronic?  And Casper Van Diem?!?  Wow.  Great that he was in Starship Troopers.  But then he was in Dracula 3000.  I can only conclude that he wants to end his acting career in the most dramatic fashion possible.

But, what the hey.  I'll watch it tomorow night.  There's always that chance in a million.  I mean, people spend a whole dollar on a lottery ticket and their chances aren't half as good.

[Mr. Hockstatter]

Overall, to say I was impressed would be an understatement.  It's rare that you see so much attention paid to character development.  We really got to know, and sympathize, with these folks.  And the plot was extremely logical - you always knew what was going on, and there was a good reason for it.  The editing was top notch, as was the photography.  Kudos (or "props", as they say) to the cinematographer.  The fact tht these folks were Delta Team members really blew me away.  Schwarzenegger wishes he was so cool!   And, hey, that bad guy was something else.  He blew both the Alien and Predator out of the water.  Amazing what these folks did with so little money.  The combat scenes were awesome!  

I was on the edge of my seat the whole time.  My favorite part (among many) was when the credits started to roll, but then they inserted a shot of the bad guy still riding his horse.  Could we be so lucky as to get a sequel to this priceless gem?

WOW!!!!!!!

[odinn7]

I'm not sure if that's sarcasm, insanity, or if you're serious Mr. Hockstatter.

[Mr_Vindictive]

I had what should have been an easy decision last night:

Watch Equilibrium again on cable or watch Skeleton Man.....I chose the latter.

Overall the film was supremely bad....surprisingly bad actually.  Sure, I knew it was going to be trash...but I had no idea.........wow.  The thing that bothered me the most was that there were 2 glaring stupidities in the beginning that bugged me throughout.

1.  Why in the hell did the maintenance worker in the beginning have a shotgun!?  He just happens to carry one around?  

2.  One of the chicks was an underwater demolitions expert.  Wait.  They're in the woods right?  Why an UNDERWATER DEMOLITIONS EXPERT!?

At that point my brain began to hemorrage, until the film's finale.  I ended up watching Scream, Blacula, Scream on TV-One a bit later.  I feel somewhat retarded this morning.

[Mr. Hockstatter]

I think I'd go with sarcasm ;)

My god, that was something else.  Aren't they supposed to practice making films in some sort of school before they go out in the real world?

[odinn7]

Mr. Hockstatter, I'm glad to hear that...I was hoping you weren't having some sort of breakdown.

Skaboi, you certainly should've gone with Equilibrium. I wanted to watch it too but for some reason my wife is totally sick of seeing it. Something about seeing it 50 times in the last year...I don't know what the hell she's talking about.



Post Edited (03-06-05 09:37)

[Mr. Hockstatter]

I liked the way they were hiking through the woods, and then took the time to sit down and introduce themselves to each other.  Wouldn't they have probably done that when they first met?

I liked the way they were "undercover" military folks, but when they met somebody, they announced they were from the army.

I liked the way the bullets caused big explosions of sparks when they hit the trees.

I liked the way the old Indian guy asked for beans.

I liked the way they told that one girl that she would be on guard duty for an hour, and she should call someone else if she fell asleep.  But it's the middle of the freakin' day!

The fact that every single solitary line of dialoge was some quasi-military macho BS was a nice touch.  And when they finally took their guns out, halfway through the film, they all immediately began aiming them at things, as if to alert the audience that, yes, we actually do know which end to point at the target.

[Foywonder]

Anyone got a copy they could share with me? I desperately want to see this movie in its entirety.

I only caught the first half hour or so at work and planned to catch it the rest when it reaired at midnight. Only thing is - THEY DIDN'T GIVE IT A REPLAY!!! That should really tell you how much faith Sci-Fi Channel had in this film. It didn't get its own ad page on the website and it didn't even get the traditional replay. I looked it  up on the Sci-Fi Channel's schedule and it doesn't air again until April 30th. I really don't wanna wait that long.

So, anyone got a copy they can make for me? Let me know.

[trekgeezer]

Well, I missed it. They were showing Animal House on AMC. Let me see John Belushi or Casper Van Diem, which would you pick?

[Victor Green]

I had to miss the last 15 minutes of the movie. They were down to just one guy and one gal .... COULD SOMEONE TELL ME HOW IT ENDED? Did skeleton man kill them, too, or did they find a way to stop him??? Thanks.

[AndyC]

That's some nice sarcasm.

[odinn7]

It really was well done sarcasm. He had me worried that something might be wrong.

[JIM MURPHY]

WHY DIDN'T THE CAPT. PULL OUT WITH TEAM  AND REGROUP
AFTER GUNS, BULLETS,ETC FAIL TO TAKE COTTONMOUTH JOE
DOWN? WHAT A WASTE MAN/WOMEN POWER.
WHY NOT GO BACK TO THE INDIAN CHIEF WHO ATE THE ARMY BEANS.
Foywonder wrote:

> "Watch your topknot Soldier Blue. Cotton Mouth Joe, he's a
> coming for you."
>
> Umm...Say what? Let’s try that again.
>
> "High in the swirling mists of the Appalachian wilderness,
> crack commandos have been disappearing whilst on maneuvers.
>
> A team of elite operators are sent in to investigate. What they
> find is an unseen enemy so terrifying, so unimaginably deadly
> that only the sheer determination to survive will keep them
> going.
>
> Hunting in the desolate hills for over four hundred years, the
> Skeleton Man is the ancient horror that has come to visit, and
> he's not going to leave without a fight."
>
> Well, that was awfully vague, no? Let's try the IMDB plot
> description.
>
> "A co-ed group of Special Forces agents search the wilderness
> for a predator type creature that has been on a killing spree."
>
> Still pretty vague, so I did a bit more looking into this one.
> Turns out what we have here is an action horror movie in the
> vein of Predator and Sleepy Hollow in which good looking model
> types in paramilitary gear out in the woods get scalped and
> skewered by a cloaked, horseback riding, Native American demon
> creature named Cotton Mouth Joe. Sound interesting to you?
> Didn’t think so. But what if I told you it stars Casper Van
> Dien and will premiere on the Sci-Fi Channel this weekend?
>
> For those of you that didn’t click to another link after
> reading that last sentence, I have to warn you that I've got a
> gut feeling Skeleton Man will be infinitely worse than what
> we’re used to getting from the Sci-Fi Channel. For one thing,
> Nu Image co-produced the film; and whenever Nu Image is
> involved, the potential is there for either delicious cheese or
> the usual crap-on-a-stick. Secondly, Skeleton Man was
> originally scheduled for a DVD release in March of last year
> but fell off the face of the planet somewhere along the way.
> Word is the original writer/director quit the production and
> insisted his name be taken off the film after seeing the
> dailies and realizing he didn't want to be associated with it
> in any way, shape, or form. And the final sign of potential
> wretchedness? Whenever the Sci-Fi Channel debuts an original
> Saturday night movie they make a little promotional page for
> the film on their website. But not for Skeleton Man!
>
> The horror/action flick makes its unceremonious premiere on the
> Sci-Fi Channel this Saturday night at 9 PM EST with a replay
> four hours later. Skeleton Man also stars the underrated and
> underutilized Michael Rooker so we should all tune in if for no
> other reason than to hold some sort of group vigil for the poor
> man. Like I said before, I have a really bad feeling about this
> one.

[odinn7]

Thank you for the very enlightening 4 posts.