Need help with a reply :)

[ghouck]

I received the following PM from the SciFi channel forums (I don't remember signing up, but apparently I did), the PM was titled "SCARED OUT OF MY LIFE":

"hello, from Merritt, B. C., we have a problem with GHOSTS here as well, they are actualy touching my guests and scaring them all to hell and back, what can we do to stop them from bothering my guests, or throwing things at them??? Can you come in to Canada and help us get rid of them or at least to tell them to sease and desist from doing all this stuff to us. sexual touch ing and all it's down right scary."

I'm not sure what prompted this person to contact ME, but I'm hoping some of you have some suggestions for a reply. I was going to post this in the "bad movies" board, since that's pretty much what all SciFi Channel Originals are.

[Menard]

I'm guessing that a link came with that?

That's nothing but spam.

I wouldn't reply, or else you are likely to get more unsolicited emails. (I'm presuming that this came in your email informing you that you had a PM at the forum)

If you must reply, reply with something like "I've got something your ghosts can touch...and they'll need both hands".

[Mr. DS]

I'd respond with;

"Hi Merritt, you sound familiar. Did I meet you at the swingers convention over the summer?  Well none the less, thank you for your inquiry.  Now onto the potential solutions to your ghostly problems.  

I'd say first you need to find out where these spectre are touching to identify their sexual preferences.  If the ghost seems to like big breasted women, I'd say change your guest house into a brothel.  That was he or she (hey its the 21th century for ghosts too you know) is sure to materialize.  

Now before you go do that, make sure you combine the following ingredients in a mixing bowl:

Used Motor Oil (preferably Castor Oil)
Limburger Cheese
Live Bait Left In A Hot Car For A Week
Axe Body Spray
Goats Milk
The Blood Of A Virgin Mosquito (very improtant)
One Of Your Nostril Hairs

Mix it together and chant the following incantation as you pour the mixture into all of your toilets.
"Du, du haust, du haust meche"

Now simply wait for the ghost to appear touching the breasts (or whatever) and flush the mixture.  You may hear the onholy's cry as the seep into the sewer drain but by the gods COVER YOUR EARS.  If not the spirit will become stuck in your head like a cockroach.

Merritt by the way, and please don't think I'm labeling you as a perv or anything...are you sure its not you doing the touching?  I mean we all get lonely and the first thing people use as an excuse is the "beyond".  If you are, please don't hestitate to talk to me through email or psychic connection.  

Take care and happy vaporizing!"

[CheezeFlixz]

If you reply ...

I'd just say:

"I SEE DEAD PEOPLE."

and leave it at that.

[Derf]

Just reply:

"I will be more than happy to come to Canada to rid you of your ghost problem. My service fee for stopping poltergeist activity is $5700 US, plus round-trip airfare. Since your ghosts seem to enjoy "sexual" games, I will need to bring along my assistant, so we will need two round-trip tickets, and his services come with an additional $3800 charge. Please send the money as soon as possible so we can gather the supplies we will need to rid your establishment of all poltergeist activity."

Even Ghostbusters charged for their services. Just don't cross the beams, man.

[Patient7]

My reply

Tell the ghost to F*ck off, you guys can do the same too.

No more E-mails for you.

[Doc Daneeka]

You fools, this is no joke! I'm in real danger, why won't you believe m- NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

*Man is discovered strangled dead in his home a week later, his wife pregnant with a one-armed, scar-faced baby*

[ghouck]

I'm guessing that a link came with that?

That's nothing but spam.

I wouldn't reply, or else you are likely to get more unsolicited emails. (I'm presuming that this came in your email informing you that you had a PM at the forum)

If you must reply, reply with something like "I've got something your ghosts can touch...and they'll need both hands".

No link, and no e-mail, just a PM. I got an email telling me I had a PM, , but had to go to SciFi.com to check My PMs. No fear of spam on this one. .