Petrified

[Jack]

This is one of Full Moon's newer releases.  I thought that since Charles Band himself directed it, it might be a cut above their usual stuff.  Um, no such luck    We start with a small group of thieves selling an ancient mummy to some collector.  This takes place in a park for some reason.  Once they get their money, they shoot the collector, and then decide to get rid of one of their own guys.  Of course, being ten feet away, they miss him and he escapes.  However some blood from the slain collector apparently drips on the mummy, which comes to life and kills the two remaining thieves.  The mummy is kind of cool and nasty looking, shooting red beams of light out of his eyes which "petrifies" his victims.  So now we switch to a couple of lesbians out in the woods for a makeout session.  One girl thinks she hears strange noises, but they decide to ignore it.  Petrified! 

Okay, so the surviving thief, who ran away earlier, turns out to be an undercover cop, and he happens upon a house.  Or at least it looks like a house, but it's actually a clinic for the treatment of extreme nymphomaniacs.  Inside he meets a woman who claims to be a doctor, and they kill some time talking.  Turns out the woman isn't a doctor, she's the sister of one of the patients and she's trying to get this woman out of the clinic.  Then there's the doctor's evil assistant, he wanders around and doesn't really do too much.  We get a few scenes of the nymphomaniacs in their undies getting together in their rooms for makeout sessions.  No gratuitous breast shots, sorry.  We got one earlier with the two nympho's in the woods.  One breast only.  Hope that's enough to tide you over for the whole movie. 

So the mummy shows up and petrifies somebody once in a while.  There are also a couple of other detectives wandering around outside, following the trail of dead bodies left by the mummy.  They talk a lot.  The male detective hits on the female detective.  They talk a lot more.  What do these two have to do with the plot?  Are they instrumental in the eventual downfall of the mummy?  Nope.  They just walk around and talk for the whole movie.  It kills about 10-15 minutes total.  They really have nothing to do with anything.  We also meet the doctor of the nympho clinic.  He spends a good 10 minutes explaining that he's trying to extend human life, and nymphos have just the right chemical in their bodies that's vital to his research.  So what does this have to do with anything?  Is the immortality thing going to be instrumental in the eventual downfall of the mummy?  Nope.  It just kills 10 more minutes with his explanations.

The mummy occasionally gets somebody, he has a rather comical habit of appearing just off camera and surprising people.  Even though they can obviously see everything in the room, the mummy keeps appearing right next to people because apparently they can't see what's just out of camera frame either. 

Yeah, so...basically boring.  The nymphos in their undies aren't nearly enough to carry this movie.  Main character, the detective guy, is boring.  Subplots o'plenty, just to kill time.  No character development whatsoever;  couldn't care less about any of these folks.  House masquerading as a clinic.  No real atmosphere;  I was too bored to notice any at least.  The mummy was alright I guess.  The climactic scene made me chuckle, the lead actor seems as if he was completely uninterested in it.  Sort of a "Can I get my paycheck now?" attitude.

Not exactly recommended.