Attorneys Say the Darndest Things

[Raffine]

(With Apologies to the Right Good Rev. Powell   )

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History by Charles M. Sevilla. These are things actually said in court, supposedly.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I , Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s**tting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTO RNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor , I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No , this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor , before you performed the autopsy , did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So , then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure , Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see , but could the patient have still been alive , nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes , it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[CheezeFlixz]

I'm married to an Attorney you have no idea the crap I hear ... EVERY FREAKING DAY.

[Rev. Powell]

(With Apologies to the Right Good Rev. Powell   )

Apology accepted.   

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

I've heard these before.  This one is my favorite, probably because it's the only one the witness is the butt of the joke instead of the attorney!

[Doggett]

COMEDY GOLD!!!!!