If you have to use a bus/tube/whatever and it's really crowded...

[Doggett]

Sneeze.

Everyone will think you've got swine flu and will leg it from you !
Watch that deck/carriage clear before your very eyes!

Swine flu in no more dangerous than regular flu (it's more contagious, but not more lethal)...but people will insist on treating it like the Andromeda Strain.

Morons.

[peter johnson]

I recall the original "Swine Flu!!!" hysteria of 1976 quite well -- same sandwich/different bread . . . there's just something about the Human Condition that demands we all get together and scream "Plague!!!" every so often . . .

If you can, pick up a copy of The Firesign Theatre's "Waiting for The Electrician or Someone Like Him" -- usually available for 99 cents or pence in the discount bins -- for a very funny take on popular delusions and the madness of crowds and the fadness of certain diseases.

peter johnson/denny gimp the onion's satan

[Mofo Rising]

I was sneezing at work the other day and my coworker facetiously asked me, "Have you been hanging around any swine lately?"

I answered, "Just you."

[schmendrik]

I was on a bus this morning in NYC and started to cough. I got a couple of pretty dirty looks even though I did cover my mouth. Mostly people on public transport in NYC ignore practically everything as a survival mechanism. At least I resisted the impulse to mumble "Damn, I just can't shake this swine flu!"

[The Burgomaster]

If you ever need to make your way through a large crowd in a hurry, put the palm of your hand close to your mouth and keep saying, "I'm gonna puke . . . I'm gonna puke."  The crowd will part like the Red Sea.

[schmendrik]

If you ever need to make your way through a large crowd in a hurry, put the palm of your hand close to your mouth and keep saying, "I'm gonna puke . . . I'm gonna puke."  The crowd will part like the Red Sea.

There is a family story much like that in our family, but it was in Spanish.

An American friend was trying to get through a crowded train in Mexico, saying what he thought was "excuse me". He described to my Mexican relatives his amazement at how politely everyone got out of the way, right away.

He should have been saying "perdoname" (perdona-me = pardon me).
He was actually saying "Escusado me". Nobody has ever told me exactly what this means, but apparently it's awfully close to "I'm going to puke".

[Joe the Destroyer]

God, everyone at the hospital is asking us about swine flu.  Most of us maintain that it's mostly media hysteria. 

There are some whispers, though, that someone had it in our facility.  I doubt it, personally. 

[Trevor]

Sneeze.

Everyone will think you've got swine flu and will leg it from you !
Watch that deck/carriage clear before your very eyes!

Swine flu in no more dangerous than regular flu (it's more contagious, but not more lethal)...but people will insist on treating it like the Andromeda Strain.

Morons.

Add a loud pig noise to the end of all your conversations, e.g "Hi, I'm Trevor [snort]" "How are you [snort]?" "Oh I'm well, thanks [snort]" etc etc.

That should clear the way very quickly. 

[Trevor]

I was sneezing at work the other day and my coworker facetiously asked me, "Have you been hanging around any swine lately?"

I answered, "Just you."

Karma!