THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[Rev. Powell]

FINAL JUSTICE

[Joe Don Baker's name appears in the credits]
CROW: Ooh, I wish I was illiterate so I didn't have to read that.

CROW: Malta - makers of fine knights, crosses and falcons.

[During a Joe Don Baker closeup]
TOM: He has double chins on his eyelids.

[Rev. Powell]

HAMLET

Marcellus: Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
MIKE: Yeah, sorry, I didn't have any clean hose or pantaloons.

CROW: What's worse than clowns? Danish clowns.
HTOM: Danish Clowns: the damp, smelly, silverfish-infested basement of the clown world.

[Claudius is watching Hamlet and Laertes duel with an intense expression]
MIKE (as Claudius): I'm so baked, man.

[WingedSerpent]

The closing credits song to Final Justice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BysG97B5YM&p=6E62F9F610A15315&playnext=1&index=8

[AndyC]

I've got a line that still cracks me up, but I can't remember which episode it was in.

Mike: "Don't look at her chesticological region."

[Rev. Powell]

I've got a line that still cracks me up, but I can't remember which episode it was in.

Mike: "Don't look at her chesticological region."

Done in a Jerry Lewis voice, I'm sure.  Don't know which movie it's from but it would have been an appropriate line for WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN.

[Rev. Powell]

"Last Clear Chance"

[Narrator is reading off a list of traffic signs]

N: ...bridge out, signal ahead, and many others.
CROW: Live nude girls!
TOM: Whites only!

"A Day at the Fair"

NARRATOR: This is a jet plane, I wonder what it would be like to fly it?
MIKE: Secretly over Cambodia, maintaining plausible deniability?

"Keeping Clean"

[Narrator is giving hygiene advice and little kids are acting it out onscreen]
MIKE: People responded well to authoritative disembodied voices in the 50s.

[ChaosTheory]

From STARFIGHTERS:

Servo: the U.S. needs to get out of this movie.

(York starts making out w/his girlfriend)
Mike: Oh, you are so the only girl around.

Pilot: Col. Hunt, you have a phone call
Crow (as Hunt): But it's poopysuit day!

Mike: I really think there's more nothing in this movie than in any other movie we've seen.

(As movie is ending)
Mike: I've got a lump in my throat.
Crow: I've got a lump in my poopysuit!

[Trevor]

More from The Final Sacrifice:

[Christian Malcolm's credit appears]
"He changed his name from I-used-to-believe-in-something-but-I-don't-really-go-to-church Malcolm". 

[Music by Robert Skeet]
"Great score.....it's skipping."

[Rowsdower: "My name's Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower."]
"Well, my name is Bill Stinkwater." 

[Edited by The Flying Dutchman]
"I hope his wooden shoes ice up and he crashes." 

[Rowsdower, what were you before?]
"I switched to beating up annoying kids with beer bottles." 

[AndyC]

Was just watching Monster-A-Go-Go last night.

Narrator: This was the capsule Douglas rode in.
Servo: Douglas was pear-shaped, very short and stood the whole way.

Narrator: There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics.
Servo: Oops.

Some of the best ones are difficult to write, since they were singing along with the soundtrack.

(Low-pitched musical cue)
Everybody: Beeeeeee Ohhhhhh! (B.O.)

(Wild theremin music)
Everybody: Ooooooo, what a lucky man he was.

[Jim H]

More from The Final Sacrifice:

[Christian Malcolm's credit appears]
"He changed his name from I-used-to-believe-in-something-but-I-don't-really-go-to-church Malcolm". 

[Music by Robert Skeet]
"Great score.....it's skipping."

[Rowsdower: "My name's Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower."]
"Well, my name is Bill Stinkwater." 

[Edited by The Flying Dutchman]
"I hope his wooden shoes ice up and he crashes." 

[Rowsdower, what were you before?]
"I switched to beating up annoying kids with beer bottles." 

My favorite: "Know him!?  He was delicious!"

[AndyC]

From Mitchell:

(Joe Don Baker and Linda Evans are getting it on as Hoyt Axton sings "My my my my Mitchell" and the Bots are severely traumatized)
Crow: My my my MY GOD!

Cummins: I don't pay for your hookers, Mitchell
Joel: Well, could ya?

Tom: They arrested Harlan Ellison!
Joel: Good.

Joel: If that's John Saxon, I'm dead.

(Mitchell punches his hand through aluminum foil covering a broken glass pane)
Crow: (as The Terminator) Liquid metal.

[Trevor]

Tom: They arrested Harlan Ellison!
Joel: Good.

[Trekkie313]

Boggy Creek II: And The Legend Continues BEST OPENING SKIT EVER!

You can pet the Llama till Hell freezes over for all I care!
DON'T YOU GIVE MATCHES TO MIKEY!   

[AndyC]

I've got a line that still cracks me up, but I can't remember which episode it was in.

Mike: "Don't look at her chesticological region."

Done in a Jerry Lewis voice, I'm sure.  Don't know which movie it's from but it would have been an appropriate line for WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN.

Found it. Mike says it during The Atomic Brain, as the mad scientist is giving a demonstration.

[AndyC]

More Mitchell:

Joel: Hey look, it's one of the kids from Fame.
Crow: Which one?
Joel: Any of 'em.

Hoyt: My my my my Mitchell, what would your mama say?
Crow: She'd say 'He's not mine! You can't prove it!'

Servo: I like to top off my beer drinkin' with another beer. It's like dessert.

Cummings: Mitchell, you don't have to be a pig for the rest of your life.
Crow: Well, I kinda do.

Desk Sergeant: Have you any other offenses you'd like for us to take into consideration while you're in this kind of a mood?
Greta: Yeah, getting hung up on this guy.
Sergeant: That's a mistake, lady...
Servo: Didn't do me any good.
Sergeant:...not an offense.

Deaney: How do you like your scotch?
Crow: Uh, by the quart.
Joel: Come on, more, keep it coming, I'm a big boy, that's right.
Servo: I usually take it with a Ding-Dong in it, but I guess I'll take it neat.