THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[bob]

The Beast of Yucca Flats

Crow: Whatever you do, don't look in the camera!

[Rev. Powell]

GUNSLINGER

Kane (flirtatiously): What do you do nights?
TOM: Oh, I rut like a crazed weasel, you?

Kane: The good die first.
TOM: But most people are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns.

[Wormy guy shoots Pony Express courier]
TOM: Hey, that's a change, someone shooting a postal worker!

[Rev. Powell]

MITCHELL

[The 'exciting' car chase]

CROW: Hot merging action!
JOEL: Oh goodness, they merged successfully, my heart was in my throat.
TOM: Jeez, these guys couldn't shake a trolley.
JOEL: Next week on "Mitchell": the cloverleaf. 

[Rev. Powell]

THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE

Jan in the Pan: Let me die...
CROW: After you've cleaned your room.

[At the beauty contest]
MIKE: Contestant #3 slipped and her head fell off.
TOM: I'll take her, I'll take her!

Jan in the Pan: Can your horror match mine?
TOM (in game show host voice):We'll find out on 'Match That Horror'!

Of course, the funniest scene in the movie needs no riffing.  It's when the assistant with the deformed hand gets his good arm ripped off, then decides to go upstairs to die, repeatedly slamming his bloody stump against the wall and dragging it painfully so the blood smears along the way.  I submit that this is actually the last thing a normal person would want to do after their arm had just been torn out of the socket.  That death scene cracks me up every time.

[Rev. Powell]

"Is It Love?" short

[The parents ask the girl to tell them what her new fiance is like]
MIKE: Well, he's good in the sack, and he likes to get high.

[During the closing credits the gang lists other educational hygiene films in the series]
MIKE: "Know Your Ointments"
TOM: "What's That Down There?"
CROW: "When He Wants It Rough"
MIKE: "Procreation, Not Recreation"
TOM:  "Oh No!  Pleasure!"

TEEN-AGE STRANGLER

Dad (angrily): That's your job as a cop!
Cop: And what's your job as a parent?
TOM: Are you as turned on as I am?

[Little Mikey rings the doorbell with a message for the girlfriend]
CROW: Pansygram!
TOM: Mistress Aiyeesha, I'm here for my beating.

[Rev. Powell]

"Cheating" short:

CROW (reading credits): "Cheating - A Centron Production.  Though we stole the idea from another company."

[Rev. Powell]

BEGINNING OF THE END

[Title comes on screen]
MIKE: Beginning of the end, already?  It just started!

[Deaf/mute raises his arms as a giant grasshopper's about to eat him]
MIKE: He's signing "aaah!"

[Soldier rips a message off the teletype and looks it over]
CROW: Dear Abby. I'm an elderly woman who doesn't enjoy se... whoa, this came to the wrong place!

[Rev. Powell]

THE ATOMIC BRAIN

Bea: Miss, pardon me...
MIKE: Could you tell me where my accent's from?

[Victim is shown to her room]
CROW: Excuse me, there's a dog brain in my toilet!

[Suggesting a title for the strangely avant-garde theme music...]
MIKE: Prelude to the Afternoon of a Sexually Aroused Gas Mask.

[AndyC]

Also from The Atomic Brain:

Crow (as monster): Boss, was I a mistake like the man said?
Mike: No, you were a little miracle.

[Rev. Powell]

The Selling Wizard

Narrator: These glass front merchandising cabinets meet your individual needs...
TOM: What if I need love?

THE DEAD TALK BACK

Krasker: Have you been hearing some wild things recently...
TOM: About Chuck Berry?
Krasker: ...about telepathy...
CROW: I knew you were going to say that!
Krasker: ...the fourth dimension...
TOM: Or Marilyn McCoo?
Krasker: ...or ghosts?
MIKE: No, doesn't ring a bell, we must have the wrong movie.

Detective: Henry, I've known you a long time...
MIKE: You know, not kneeing you in the groin is a constant struggle.

[Trevor]

The Final Sacrifice:

[Rowsdower is in great pain]

Troy: :"What's wrong?"
["Let me die first, then I'll tell you."] 

[bob]

From The Atomic Brain:

*the old woman gets out of her wheelchair*

"Mein Führer I can walk!" 

[AndyC]

From Werewolf.....


(Security guard drives away while transforming)
"I hope he remembers to crack a window for himself."
"He's probably sticking his head out the window, jumping around his own car."
"An American werewolf in traffic."
"Those caribou don't stand a chance, now that I'm driving."

(Werewolf drives past the same gas station repeatedly)
Mike: "What? Is he stalking the weakest gas station?"

[Trevor]

From The Final Sacrifice:

Tom: "Ahh, me, I don't give a flying dutchman about this production." 

Mike: "I understand everything up to the letter A." 

Tom: "Yay! The movie's closed because of snow!" 

Mike: "Don't worry about me boss: the hair on my back keeps me warm." 

[Trevor]

From Prince of Space:

Guy on screen in a very crowded room: "Good morning, gentlemen."
["Welcome to my grandma's living room!"]