THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[Raffine]

Also from GIANT SPIDER INVASION:

"I'm wearing a lovely pantsuit!"

"VAAH-INCE!"

(singing) "There's a dark yellow stain on my backbrace..."

(singing) "I love tick-infested hounds, slaughterin' deer - and beer"

[AndyC]

Devil Doll:

"Butt Lady! Butt Lady! Butt Lady!"

"If we don't get a volunteer, you're all gonna have to see my can."

"I wonder what the ten percent of her ass I haven't seen looks like."

"Uh oh, I better go flash 'em a cheek."

"I command you to shake your moneymaker."

"He's using his amazing powers to make her do a modest twist."

"When are you going to start smashing watermelons?"

"Alright, everyone thrill as I get my own olive loaf."

"You think he likes ham. Wait 'til you see ME like ham."

"Did someone just come in and paw my puppet?"

[InformationGeek]

Puma Man:

(Everything a certian music bit plays) Bots & Mike: Do the hustle!

[Rev. Powell]

PARTS: THE CLONUS HORROR

[Attendants insert IV's into a clones veins]
MIKE: "Room service at the Chelsea Hotel."

[The leads have just finished a night of lovemaking. You have to see it to understand...]
MIKE: "Let's put out our flaming crotches and we'll find your nose."

[Man approaches in skintight wet speedo.]
MAN: "You try to blind those who cannot see."
CROW: "With your shrink-wrapped batch."

[AndyC]

The Touch of Satan has a great running gag with the walnut ranch.

"The walnuts are really tearin' through the hay."

"Don't spook the walnuts."

"My prize walnut died."

"Have to go milk the walnuts."

"Look out, it's a walnut stampede!"

[Flu-Bird]

What could be more fun then a movie hosted by a man and his two robot companions

[SlyMuffin]

Via Ward E:

Mike: I dunno, Crow. It's probably just me, but the whole idea of a screenplay based around the life of Peter Graves just spells box-office poison. And then to go and narrow the focus so much...
Crow: Here, let me sizzle it for ya, Mike. Peter Graves went to the University of Minnesota, right?
Mike: I guess...
Crow: 'I guess' nothing! The man went to the U of M! And that's exactly what my screenplay exploits.
Tom: Well, can we just get on with this please?
Crow: Yes. *ahem* Here we go. 'Just Plain Peter: The U Of M Years'. Or, 'Peter Graves Goes To College At The University Of Minnesota'. A screenplay by Crow T. Robot.
Mike: Okay, okay, let's go.
Tom: I'm only doing this because I need the stage time, pinbeak.
Mike: Okay, Servo, okay.
Tom: Okay, okay. *ahem* Act One: Peter Graves Enrolls At The University Of Minnesota.
Mike (puts on a pair of glasses): Hi, I'm the registrar. May I help you?
Crow: (in Peter Graves-like voice) Yes, I'm Peter Graves, and I'd like to enroll at the University of Minnesota.
Tom: Ah... Act Two. Uh, Mike, you gotta help me with the cards.
Mike: Oh, right. (Mike flips a card over so it now reads 'Act II')
Tom: Act Two: Peter Graves Attends His First Class.
Crow: Hi, I'm Peter Graves. Is this Biology 101?
Mike (puts on mortarboard): Yes.
Crow: Good. I'm Peter Graves, and I'm in the right class.
Tom: Huh. Um, Act Three. Act Three: Peter Graves Enjoys Dorm Life.
Mike: Okay... ah... think fast! (throws a ball at Crow)
Crow: Ah-ha! I'm Peter Graves, and I'm enjoying some good-natured ribbing with one of my many new pals here at the University of Minnesota.
Tom: Uh... Act Four: Extracuricular Activities.
Crow: Oooh, this is great, this one...
Tom: Just get...
Crow: I'm Peter Graves, and I was wondering if you could direct me to the natatorium, as I am attending a swim meet.
Mike: It's that way.
Crow: Thank you. I'm Peter Graves.
Tom: Ah, okay. Ah, Act Five: Peter Finds His Calling.
Crow: I'm Peter Graves, and I'm beginning to take an interest in the theater arts and speech communications here at the....
Mike: Crow, how many... how many acts are there?
Crow: Ah... fifteen.
Tom: Ah, Crow, I'm not criticizing here, but were you worried about the reduncancy factor? Or not?
Crow: Well, I felt my point was important enough to risk that, but let's do the climax. I think you'll really like it!
Tom: Okay, flip all the cards over now. (Mike flips the cards to Act 15) Act Fifteen: Graduation.
Crow: I'm Peter Graves. Thank you for the oppurtunity of learning at this fine institution. As I look back, I remember fondly my enrollment process, where, had you been there, you might have heard me say, 'Hi, I'm Peter Graves, and I'd like to enroll at the University of Minnesota.' Or the time...
Tom: That's IT! Crow, you are WAY out there!
Crow: What? Hey!
Tom: WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAY out! (Storms out.)
Crow: But... um...
Mike: I gotta agree with him, Crow. (Crumples up script and throws in into Crow's net; exits.)
Crow: No... but... Mike... no matter what you or Servo may think of my little screenplay, if it's convinced just one person out there that Peter Graves went to the University of Minnesota... then I've done my job. (Movie sign)
I'm Peter Graves, and we've got movie sign on A & E... whoa... Aaaaaaah! (goes flying through the air as door sequence begins).

(cut)

[ChaosTheory]

From Warrior of the Lost World:

<trio> "MEGAWEAPON! MEGAWEAPON! MEGAWEAPON!"

<Einstein to "hero">  "Kiss the girl"
<Joel> "Make her cry!"


The running "guy in the trunk" joke from Space Teenagers.


From Invasion of the Neptune Men:

<trio, as bullethead spacemen are stalking towards Space Chief>  "HAHAHAHAHA.  YOUR COSTUME IS RIDICULOUS."

<Servo> "Nooo, the things are doing things!"

<Servo>  "They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor!"


I forget which ep it's from, but, "I no longer wonder if there's a point to this movie.  I wonder if there's a point to anything.

[AndyC]

<Einstein to "hero">  "Kiss the girl"
<Joel> "Make her cry!"

Followed by:

Crow: This is the scene where she really earned her paycheque.
Tom: The whole two hundred bucks.

[Rev. Powell]

PRINCE OF SPACE (sorry if any repeats)

NEWSPAPER EDITOR: Gentlemen, this may be our last day on earth.
MIKE: Let's hit the karaoke bars.

[Prince of Space dodges ray gun blasts]
CROW: I have no superpowers, but I can skip reasonably well.
[But he later changes his tune about Prince's abilities...]
CROW: His power apparently lies in choosing incompetent enemies.

[Rocket ship blows up]
MIKE: Oh, the inanity!
CROW: Oh, the Japanity!

PHANTOM: Each of you will enter a space capsule.
SCIENTIST: What?
TOM: Oh, for crying out loud, EACH OF YOU WILL ENTER A SPACE CAPSULE!

Actually, I don't think the riffing on this episode is all that great---the movie is so ridiculous, it does their work for them.  A lot of the time they're just repeating the characters ridiculous repeated catchphrases.  But the host segments are amazing!  I like them very much!

[AndyC]

Another one from Warrior of the Lost World. Donald Pleasence uses Persis Khambatta as a human shield.

Crow: "Don't move! I'll shave her head! I shaved mine and I'm just crazy enough to do it!"



Secret Agent Super Dragon

The whole running gag about the hero having no visible batch. "Mein Gott! He's smooth!"

"Gotta go drain the super dragon."

[Rev. Powell]

More SPACE MUTINY:

[During the scene where the older woman does her sexy dance in the nightclub to catch Reb Brown's eye]
CROW: So, in the future there's absolutely no shame?
MIKE: This is less subtle than an Annie Sprinkle performance piece.
TOM: She's presenting like a mandrill!

[During the scene where the Bellerian leader appears to be giving a lap dance to the ship's captain, who looks like Santa Claus]
MIKE: Finally, Christmas comes to Santa!
CROW: Just let me check you twice, here...

[During the love scene]
CROW: She dusted herself with weight gain powder to attract him.

[Flangepart]

Oh, I can NOT stay out of this one...

Fave line from BEGINNING OF THE END. "One weekend a month my a$$!"

And GORGO. "The Vice Presidents uninspiring campaign slogan."
Also...
"He's dressed up like a chimp."
Tom (Singing): "They got into port, and everyone was ok-ey, they went out for lunch, and felt betterrrr!"
"I crush you-you get crushed..."
""Mike: "Okey we know why we're here, lets start tossin' Brits around."
"They crossed lines with the guy trying to catch Godzilla"
"The man's just Dorkin."

PRINCE OF SPACE "A rare Godzilla free day"
"Bagawk!"
"Aaaand-mince,mince,mince,mince..."

DANGER- DEATH RAY! "BART FARGO, BART, FARGO, BART FARGO, BART FARGO, BART FARGO..."

So many jokes, so little screen room!

[AndyC]

Tom (Singing): "They got into port, and everyone was ok-ey, they went out for lunch, and felt betterrrr!"

And the earlier one:
"It's rough, but is it too rough to feed us?"

[Trevor]

PARTS: THE CLONUS HORROR

[Man approaches in skintight wet speedo.]
MAN: "You try to blind those who cannot see."
CROW: "With your shrink-wrapped batch."