THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[Rev. Powell]

I'm looking for an MST3K episode but I can't remember the movie title. It was directed by Ed Wood and it was NOT the Sinister Urge (Which he wrote, actually).

Either BRIDE OF THE MONSTER (Ed was director) or THE VIOLENT YEARS (Ed was screenwriter).  I don't believe they did any other Ed movies besides those 3.

[Olivia Bauer]

I'm looking for an MST3K episode but I can't remember the movie title. It was directed by Ed Wood and it was NOT the Sinister Urge (Which he wrote, actually).

Either BRIDE OF THE MONSTER (Ed was director) or THE VIOLENT YEARS (Ed was screenwriter).  I don't believe they did any other Ed movies besides those 3.

Yeah, that's it. The Violent Years. Thanks.

[Rev. Powell]

DEVIL DOLL

CROW [as scantily clad ventriloquists assistant during "tense" scene]: He's dying out there, I'll go out and flash a cheek.

Vorelli: But you haven't finished your drink.
CROW: Drink the Blood of the Virgin!  Or am I being creepy?

TOM: I tell ya, you only rent ham.

[Rev. Powell]

DEVIL FISH

[When the title flashes]
MIKE: Our special tonight is Devil Fish with Satanic string beans and deep-Lucifered potatoes.

[Another incompetent montage]
TOM: Just because you can edit doesn't mean you should.

[The emaciated heroine is running towards the camera in a one-piece bathing suit]
MIKE: Blake Edwards' ".10".

[Trevor]

DEVIL FISH

[When the title flashes]
MIKE: Our special tonight is Devil Fish with Satanic string beans and deep-Lucifered potatoes.

[Another incompetent montage]
TOM: Just because you can edit doesn't mean you should.

[The emaciated heroine is running towards the camera in a one-piece bathing suit]
MIKE: Blake Edwards' ".10".

The laughing scene during the end credits is pretty funny too: been a while since I saw Tom bounce up and down like that. 

[Rev. Powell]

"Mr. B-Natural"

JOEL: Mr. B, you're hot!

[Buzz has an awkward social interaction]
JOEL:  That hurt, I'm all messed up inside, if only an androgynous man would come and visit me!

[Singing along at the school dance]
ALL: "We're white, we're white, we're really really white..."

"X Marks the Spot"

Guardian Angel: After that, I never had any problems with Joe around schools. He'd crawl by at a snail's pace.
TOM: Nursing homes, though, whoah!
Guardian Angel: See, Your Honor, Joe had two kids of his own at that school.
CROW: And if his wife ever found out...

"Design for Dreaming"

Crazy singing dreaming consumer lady: I want a Pontiac too!
MIKE: She is a high-maintenance date!

TOM: Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central/South America.

[ChaosTheory]

from the short WHAT TO DO ON A DATE

Narrator: "This story begins with Jeff - and Kay -"
Joel: "- and a human ear."

Jeff flips through Nick's notebook, sees Kay's phone number and does a stagey double take.
Tom: "My God! Kay's been missing since last February!!"
Jeff: "Hey why don't you ask Kay to come to the scavenger sale?"
Crow (as Nick): "YOU LOOKED IN MY BOOK DIDN'T YOU?!?!?!"


Nick begins to phone Kay.
Crow: "With every dial he comes closer to the most humiliating moment of his life."

Nick is pondering the events calendar.
Narrator: "Perhaps a weenie roast -"
Trio: "NOOOOOO!!!!"

[Rev. Powell]

ROBOT MONSTER

[The heavily-accented scientist is performing a post-apocalyptic wedding.]
SCIENTIST: Lord, you know I am not trained for this job...
CROW: Acting?

[Tom seems taken with Alice, the buxom heroine.]

Square jawed hero, to Alice: You're so bossy you ought to be milked before you come home at night!
TOM: Dibs!

RO-MAN: I want to see the girl, Al-ice, again.
[Alice's face appears on the viewscreen]
TOM: OK, now tilt the camera down...

[retrorussell]

Angel's Revenge:

(Keiko finishes up karate class to young students; they bow as a gong plays)
Mike (singing): La Choy makes Chinese food.

(The women approach a wire fence with wire cutters as military-like music plays in the background)
Mike: Kelly LeBrock's Heroes!

(2 of the women approach an enemy fort)
Tom: "I found the greatest shampoo; it's called Body On Tap!  Well, Herbal Essence is good too but-- oh wait, I'll tell you about it after we kill these guys."

(A little kid comes up to Sticks, the drug pusher)
Crow: "I'd like a drug, please?"

(Various plastic-wrapped articles fall out of Stick's pockets as the youth frisks his unconscious body for money)
Mike: He's a Smarties dealer!

[Venomx73]

Gamera vs Guiron 

[Rev. Powell]

PROJECT MOONBASE

Heavyset reporter: I wonder, General---could I arrange to go there---to the space station?
JOEL: There's a little problem of escape velocity.

[Combatants are wrestling in "zero gravity"]
CROW: This is low impact aerobics.
TOM: It's low impact filmmaking, too.

Hero (brandishing gun): And remember, one false move and you get this!
CROW: Cool! Can I keep it?

[AndyC]

Gamera vs. Guiron

Scientist: That's hard to say.
Joel: Seems like it's pretty hard to dub too.

Tomoko: Mother!
Servo: I just killed a man!

(Guiron appears)
Crow: I know, I know. Don't laugh. They made me in a hurry.

[Rev. Powell]

THE LOST CONTINENT

CROW [as lab assistant]: Hey Jared, there's something wrong with the stock footage simulator!

CROW: Joel, why are we watching this dull rock climbing sequence?
JOEL: Because it's there.

JOEL: This is just for conversation, but if you were going to eat a human body, where would you start?

CROW: I've plummeted to my death and I can't get up!

[ChaosTheory]

from MITCHELL:
Mitchell is tossing Linda in the clink for possession of marijuana:
Linda: "He sleeps with me then busts me."
Crow: "First things first!"

Booking Officer: "Are there any other offenses you want to add?"
Linda: "Yeah.  Being hung up on this guy."
Booking Officer: "That's a mistake lady, not an offense."
Servo: "Didn't do me any good...."

Booking Officer: "Did you really sleep with that girl?"
Mitchell: "Yup!"
Joel: "And I kissed her!  *chortles*


Martin Balsam: "I don't pay for your whores, Mitchell!"
Servo:  "Well, could ya?"

Martin glances out the window, sees Linda writing "JERK" on Mitchell's car, turns back to Mitchell.
Crow: "Word on the street is you're a jerk."




And my favorite moment in the whole series, from FINAL SACRIFICE:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0I1n9Q3huw8

[Trevor]

from MITCHELL:

Martin Balsam: "I don't pay for your whores, Mitchell!"
Servo:  "Well, could ya?"