THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[AndyC]

Favourite riff from Mitchell is still:

"Oh man, I'm so hungry. Only two steaks for dinner, didn't get to finish my orange and all the frozen yogurt places were closed... Big buttery moon up there... Sidewalk kinda looks like ice cream if you squint hard... Stairs look like cake."

[retrorussell]

SQUIRM:
(The title appears onscreen)
Mike:  Well, I don't know why but.. okay. (they all shake)

(Southern yokel pops her head out of the window)
Tom: "Well, Billy Joe McAllister jumped off the Talahachee Bridge again.."

(Mick and girlfriend look at the empty worm truck)
Mick: "I didn't let them out."
Roger: "Well if you 'n didn't then who did?"
Mike: N'duh durh n'duh n'duh!

(Mick crawls through a window)
Crow: Woah!  Right into a litterbox!

Mick: "There's three teeth missing from the top of the skull."
Mike: That's everyone from the county.

[Trevor]

SQUIRM:
(The title appears onscreen)
Mike:  Well, I don't know why but.. okay. (they all shake)

Mick: "There's three teeth missing from the top of the skull."
Mike: That's everyone from the county.

[ChaosTheory]

Favourite riff from Mitchell is still:

"Oh man, I'm so hungry. Only two steaks for dinner, didn't get to finish my orange and all the frozen yogurt places were closed... Big buttery moon up there... Sidewalk kinda looks like ice cream if you squint hard... Stairs look like cake."

They really brought their A-game to MITCHELL.

"Huh huh. You can't grow steaks."

"Johnny Mathis?  All right! Get my gun!!"

"Reynolds Wrap!  Keeps freshness in, can't keep Mitchell out!"

"As an actor Merlin Olson hadn't found his instrument yet."

"Mitchell: even his name says 'Is that a beer?'"

"There's a police investigation going on here..."
"Oh, there is? I thought there was just a big slob walking around my house."

[Rev. Powell]

KING DINOSAUR

[Stock footage of a sloth]
TOM: I symbolically represent the pace of this film.

[Scientist is washing the body of his wounded buddy]
CROW: Hey, you're spending a lot of time on that one nipple, there.

[Stock footage of a lizard]
JOEL: You think he's working for scale?

[The Fake Macoy]

From Revenge of the Creature:
Mike: "The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law!"

[Trevor]

ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE:

Tom: "Oh, Motorhead! I have their new collection of Cole Porter tunes!"

Crow: [guy hits something with his bat] "I like the 'ting' sound!"

[Rev. Powell]

FIRST SPACESHIP ON VENUS

CROW (as returning astronaut): " My one piece of advice: do not have the Venusian Pu-Pu Platter."

[ChaosTheory]

from THE MOTION PICTURE (THIS ISLAND EARTH):

Mailman approaches lab door.
Mike: "Sort this, deliver that; I'll make 'em all pay!!!"

Joe (looking at catalog):"Here's something my wife would like to have around the house.."
Servo: "A man?"

from the BODY CARE AND GROOMING short:

Slightly frumpy girl approaches.
Narrator: "Excuse me, we're trying to make a point about beauty and you're not helping things."
Joel (as girl): "Yeah? Well, bite me!"
Narrator: "Look at that hair - "
Crow: "I like her hair."
Narrator: "Look at that blouse - "
Crow (breathing heavily): "Oh, I'm looking, I'm looking!"
Narrator: "You're not exactly the type to make a fellow behave like a human being."
Joel: "You know, to make him grope you and paw at you..."

"Improved" version of girl approaches.
Narrator: "Now look at that hair, that chin, that mouth - "
Servo: "Those....nose!"
Crow (as boy): "I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everyone else!"

[Trevor]

CASTLE OF FU MANCHU

Fu's daughter: "Bring them to my father!"
Crow: "And bring me to an orthodontist!" 

[A cigarette smolders on a table top]
Crow: "Gee, this is the most action we've seen so far!"

[Screen goes dark]
Crow: "Oh, I can't watch this! I mean, I can't SEE this!" 

[Rev. Powell]

GAMERA

Eskimo: This is the legendary stone...
JOEL: You passed that??

Kenny's teacher: The other kids make fun of him. They think he's strange.
CROW: Kids are perceptive that way.

Professor: I'm forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead.
TOM: More Gamera movies?

[Trevor]

THE FINAL SACRIFICE

A HUGE closeup of Sartoris' HUGE nostrils:

"Oh man: that's not a nose ~ that's a duplex!"  

[Rev. Powell]

GAMERA VS. BARUGON

[Barugon appears for the first time]
JOEL: Hi, I'm a juicy new character... Enjoy me! I'm what's known as the complication... the antagonist, if you will. Well, for my first number I'd like to crush a warehouse. It's an old favorite, I think you're going to like it.

[Without comment, the heroine sucks the blood from the hero's wound]
JOEL: You are one spooky chick. Mind if I don't call you?

Professor: Expose the diamond to the infrared ray.
General: Will that do any good?
TOM: No, but it will pad out the film.

[retrorussell]

SQUIRM:
Roger (to Mick): YOU gonna be da worm-face!
Mike: No, you're gonna be the worm face.  Nyah!

SIDEHACKERS:
[Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect]
Joel: This grass... It's... drugged!

HELLCATS:
Servo (as dazed biker): Violets are blue, roses are red.  I shoot heroin into the side of my head!

INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN:
(Gooey astronaut monster sees a flashback to an earlier scene in a barrel of water and angrily splashes at it)
Servo: Shut up!  Stupid water!

CAVE DWELLERS:
[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies]
Joel: I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie.

[Rev. Powell]

TIME OF THE APES

[Scientist injects a monkey with a sedative]
JOEL: A little horse for a little monkey.
CROW: He'll have himself on his back!

[During driving scene]
CROW: Hey, you kids behave or I'll turn this plot around!

[Ape shakes hand with human in gesture of inter-species solidarity]
JOEL (as ape): Uh, I'd wash that hand if I were you, that's my throwing hand.