THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[Rev. Powell]

GIRLS TOWN

CROW [as French maitre d']: Sir, I have a table for you and your jailbait.

TOM [as the automated phone recording at the Catholic orphanage]: All of our nuns are currently busy. The last calls will be answered first...

TOM: Paul Anka's beefy security nuns step in!

[sprite75]

I was watching one of the bonus features - Crow vs. Crow.  That was a panel discussion that featured Bill Corbett, Trace Beaulieu, and Frank Conniff.  They were talking about Charro! and Frank mentioned they came up with this line for Crow;

"Do I smell Elvis?"

I sooooo wish they could've made that episode.  Maybe they should try for it again since they're doing the show again.

[Trevor]

I was watching one of the bonus features - Crow vs. Crow.  That was a panel discussion that featured Bill Corbett, Trace Beaulieu, and Frank Conniff.  They were talking about Charro! and Frank mentioned they came up with this line for Crow;

"Do I smell Elvis?"

I sooooo wish they could've made that episode.  Maybe they should try for it again since they're doing the show again.

That was on the DVD of The Beatniks: great episode. 

[Rev. Powell]

SAN FRANCISCO INTERNATIONAL

All the memorable riffs revolve around Tab Hunter, a bad guy disguised as a priest.

[Tab first appears]
MIKE: Insert Tab A into B-movie.

[As priest, Tab puts on Frank Sinatra-style hat at jaunty angle]
MIKE (singing): That's why the savior is a tramp!
TOM (singing): She gets too hungry, for trans-substantiate!

[Tab-priest pulls out a gun and takes woman hostage]
TOM: Jeez, ever since Vatican II, these guys!
CROW: All the Church will do is move him to another parish.

[retrorussell]

THE CHICKEN OF TOMORROW

(at title screen) Tom: The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today!

(eggs are frying in a pan) Crow: These are your chickens on drugs.

(camera pans) Narrator: And on large and small farms the search for the perfect chicken goes on.
(Tom) THERE IT IS!  No-wait..

(narrator) Let's start at the beginning, in the incubator.
Mike (as narrator): I'm in the incubator now. (muffled voice)

(narrator, as woman is loading eggs in incubator) Good chicks come from good eggs.
Tom: (as worker) Thank you young man!

(narrator) And finally the fully-developed chick is ready to start breaking out of its shell.
Tom: Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the perimeter.

(narrator) Sexing the chicks, or separating the males from the females, is a highly specialized trade.
Tom: Yeah, for pervs.

(worker tosses chicks in bins)
Crow: Garage sale.. Goodwill.. save for the kids..

(narrator) One of the most important advances in poultry raising is the trap nest.  The bird can enter the trap nest easily to lay her egg.  But she can't get out again.. until you LET her out.
Mike: There's no point; it's just funny!

(narrator) And this is a good place to point out a few facts about eggs.
Crow: Stop throwing them at my car!

(chicken combs are flopped over their head)
Mike: They're all wearing Rembrandt hats!

[sprite75]

The Giant Spider Invasion
"I gotta go drain the little buddy, I'll be right back!"
"Packers!  Packers won the Super Bowl!"
"And this movie ramps up the repulsion."
"Got.  Milk."

Manos
"I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made."
"Joel this is gonna turn into a snuff film."

Mitchell
"Eye on the Sammich!  Mitchell!  Heart's pounding!  Mitchell!  Veins clogging!  Mitchell!"
"You know it's about this time in any killling spree that you really ought to turn the gun on yourself.  Turn it, turn it, turn it...."
"Baby oil?!  NOOOOOOOO!"

[Rev. Powell]

DEATHSTALKER AND THE WARRIORS FROM HELL

[An odd sound effect is dubbed in as a bird swoops by]
CROW: That's a lot of things, but it isn't a bird song.
TOM: I just heard an eagle meow!

Troxartis: Stop them!
MIKE [exasperated by the confusing plot] Stop who from what?

["Potato girl"'s corpse is put on the pyre]
MIKE: Well, I have to say.. she was all-righta!

[Rev. Powell]

THE LEECH WOMAN

Malo: You are the one in my dreams of BLOOD!
MIKE: But, everyone's in my dreams of blood, so it's not that big a deal.

[During jungle scenes]

MIKE: Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exists.

CROW: Stock footage? It's more like stock mileage at this point!

[Rev. Powell]

THE DEADLY MANTIS

[Jump scare startles two soldiers]
TOM: I peed your pants, I'm not sure how.

[Major puts the moves on love interest]
CROW: Present, tongue!

CROW: But I have a mantis in my pantis!

[Trevor]

THE DEADLY MANTIS

[Jump scare startles two soldiers]
TOM: I peed your pants, I'm not sure how.

+ 

[Rev. Powell]

THE THING THAT COULDN'T DIE

[Tom's riffs as the two female leads are innocently sleeping in the same bed]

TOM: Do you like Amanda Bearse? Boy, I sure do!

[Artist angrily slashes his portrait of his fiancee]

MIKE: Remember, you fell against a painting of a door.

[The movie's last shot is a freeze frame of the lead actress' ample cleavage]

CROW: The whole movie was leading up to this shot.
MIKE: Brought to you by the Breast Council.
TOM: Buy breasts where you work or bank!

[Rev. Powell]

THE UNDEAD

Hypnotist: When I touch you...
CROW: I think about myself. No no no, that's wrong...

[The hammy Satan laughs]
MIKE: This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater!

[After long expository speech at end]
MIKE: I have never known more about what isn't going on in this movie.

[Trevor]

THE UNDEAD

Hypnotist: When I touch you...
CROW: I think about myself. No no no, that's wrong...

+ 

[Trevor]

THE KILLER DOGS IN CARPETS SHREWS 

Professor F: Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick—and I liked Morgan Stewart's Coming Home. 

[Rev. Powell]

TERROR FROM THE YEAR 5000

Professor Erling: "Think Bob, throughout human history, what has the first activity of explorers of any new region?"
CROW: "Genocide?"
MIKE: "Slavery?"
TOM: "Diseased-blanket spreading?"

[Actress puts on her bathing suit behind a tree]
MIKE: "Sorry teenage boys of the 50s, this'll have to do. She's all there boys, 100% scrawny spinster."

TOM [as air traffic control]: The movie is on hold, T-10 minutes to plot resumption. We have a leak in the narrative and the movie could implode.
TOM [later, as pilot]: Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be returning you to your plot shortly. We hope the delay hasn't caused you to miss connections to other movies.