THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[Rev. Powell]

AVALANCHE:

TOM: So now we're seeing collateral deaths from just the idea of an avalanche?
CROW: What's next, somebody cutting their finger on the newspaper reading about it?

Rock Hudson: The boy is safe. Let go!
CROW: Let go or the boy dies!

CROW: Dear trip advisor: found cheerleader in my salad. Waitstaff refused to help. 1 out of 5 stars.

[Rev. Powell]

THE BEASTS OF HOLLOW MOUNTAIN

[Old Mexican drunk appears]
JONAH: So THAT's what happened to the most interesting man in the world.

TOM: I told him I wanted him to leave, why isn't he staying? I guess I just don't get men.

?: Changing my Facebook status to "orphan."

[Rev. Powell]

STARCRASH

JONAH: I feel like I'm watching a community theater production of "Guardians of the Galaxy."

CROW: L's been so much more assertive since he died!

JONAH: Good thing I have eye-magic! Did I not mention that before? Well, I do.

[Rev. Powell]

THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT

TOM: The German sailor comes out of his hole. If he sees his shadow, we'll have three more weeks of war.

CROW: The land that time forgot... to edit.

JONAH: It seems the real dinosaur was man.

[Rev. Powell]

THE LOVES OF HERCULES

TOM: "The Loves of Hercules": a Greco-Romantic comedy.

[A bull is charging Jayne Mansfield]
CROW: He'll bounce right off you!

JONAH (in "mom" voice): Hercules Anthony Jupiter, you get back here!

[Rev. Powell]

YONGARY

CROW: Did you try yelling "capsule"? That sometimes works.

Young scientist: Icho, where have you been?
Icho: Watching Yongary.
JONAH: It's not very good.

TOM: Gentleman, the situation is dire, sure, but why are we collecting our pee?

[Trevor]

YONGARY

TOM: Gentleman, the situation is dire, sure, but why are we collecting our pee?

+ 

[Rev. Powell]

WIZARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM

[Poorly choreographed fight scene]
TOM: Got some smutz on my sword, I'm just going to wipe it on your back... there.

[Seductive with feeds hero bright green potion]
TOM: Can I tempt you with some Robitussin?

[Tender separation scene]
CROW: Oh Golfax, you haven't protected me or done anything to further the plot or the action, but I'll really miss you!

[Rev. Powell]

WIZARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM 2

TOM: Kids come running for the great taste of millet!

Wizard to Amazon Princess: "His quest is to save the three kingdoms."
CROW?: And to strike out with every feather-haired blond.

Disembodied voice that sounds like Don Pardo: "The darkness threatens to engulf you..."
TOM: With musical guest Men at Work, and your host, Steve Martin!

[Trevor]

WIZARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM

[Poorly choreographed fight scene]
TOM: Got some smutz on my sword, I'm just going to wipe it on your back... there.

[Rev. Powell]

CARNIVAL MAGIC

[Kissing scene on "skating" date]
CROW: Jonah, is this skating?
JONAH: Yeah, it's tongue skating.

Evil doctor: "Vivisection is a dirty word, but it's necessary in order to solve problems that must be solved.
CROW: Can't argue with that logic, cut 'im up!

Dumb girlfriend: Are they going to hurt him?
CROW: Or is this one of those pain-free monkey vivisection clinics we've been reading about?

[Rev. Powell]

THE CHRISTMAS THAT ALMOST WASN'T

JONAH (as lawyer): By the way, Santa, everything since we've met has been billable hours.

Prune: "I've been running away from children my whole life."
CROW: As required by the court order.

CROW: Man, I think I hate kids now, too. I'm down with Prune.

[Rev. Powell]

AT THE EARTH'S CORE

TOM: Being the chivalrous gentleman, David traps his fellow slaves with their captors in a room full of lava.

[Doug sneaks past sleeping monsters]
JONAH: Looks like we caught a lucky break. Puppeteers must be at lunch.

[During bloody fight scene with monster]
CROW: Oh Doug, no! There's a guy in there! Stop it! Seriously, that's his blood! Doug, stop it!
JONAH: Can somebody yell 'cut'?

[Rev. Powell]

BEING FROM ANOTHER PLANET

CROW: It's that thing again! That thing that's driving the plot... into nowhere...

[Girl falls from high building presumably to her death]
CROW: Ooo, she missed the pool. That's going to effect her score.

TOM: Did ancient astronauts wear Lee Press-On Nails?

[Trevor]

AT THE EARTH'S CORE
[Doug sneaks past sleeping monsters]
JONAH: Looks like we caught a lucky break. Puppeteers must be at lunch.