The Tears Of A Clown

[Psycho Circus]

NOTE:You don't need to read this, I just need to get it off my mind and out into the ether so to speak.

So I saw this chick who was getting on my bus each morning as I was off to work in town. It was during winter '09 (Oct-Nov I guess) and she totally knocked me out. I'm talking love at first sight here. She's so perfect I couldn't put it into words, ticked all the boxes and the moment I laid eyes on her it made me well up with equal amounts of excitement and despair. See, I'm a pretty manic guy (as most know) and my moods change in wild fashion, so one minute I was thinking "yeah I'm gonna ask this girl out, I'm a great guy" then the next it was "she out of my league, why even bother". Madness. But I did talk to her (took me 8 months to pluck up the courage) and she gave me her phone number without a seconds hesitation.

Two months go by, we've been talking, seeing eachother around town. I've found lots out about her (plenty in common) but she still wouldn't meet up with me in a "date" sense. During this time my ex creeps back into my life and I find out my ex has been talking to this girl. Now, my ex usually wants to ruin my life like the psycho b***h she is but it seemed like she'd moved on (she was seeing someone at the time) and she said she was fine with me seeing someone too. Anyway, the chick I'm madly in love with tells me she's been seeing another guy for a couple of weeks and I feel like the goddamn bottom has dropped out of my world. Then, she gets real friendly with my ex girlfriend to the point that when we finally went out, she was frenching my ex at a bar! That was followed by her being really sympathetic and affectionate with me, whilst also screwing with my brain telling me "You couldn't handle me". I proceeded to get monumentally drunk for the rest of the night and ended up making a fool of myself and the girl I was after now hates my guts it seems.

It's now 8 months since then, I'm still single, she's still with that guy and we haven't spoken since October. I work in town though and I keep seeing her. You'd think I'd be over all this crap by now, but I'm not. I think about this girl every single damn second of every single damn day. I've never, ever, ever felt like this about another human being. I find it hard to care about anything, even my own family. But this girl makes me feel like my heart is going to explode and like I can't breathe. I'm sick and obsessed, I ache deep inside for her. I don't know what to do? I keep thinking I'll try and run into her, make contact again and try and be friends, maybe wait to see if the relationship crumbles with her current partner?

[Newt]

Circus, I well remember you speaking of the girl on the bus and how she made you feel at that time.

I do have some thoughts on your situation, but I'm not sure whether I should get into it.  No doubt plenty of others will.  I sympathize and I hope that 'getting it out' here has helped you.

[macabre]

hi
I do not know you on a personal level and i must confess i have hardly had much contact with you via this forum however,
What i would say is that you come across as a very intuitive and intelligent person who has a cool sense of humour.
You mention that his lady waited quite a while before you finally had the opportunity to go out,when this chance arose you mention that you saw this lady Frenching your ex! hardly taking your feelings into account.Then you say she was sympathetic and affectionate with you,i think my friend i would say she was taking the p**s out of you.This lady is obviously aware of your feelings for her and i would imagine she is playing you along,i wonder if she was seeing this other person whilst being with you on your "first" date.
Sometimes that special person we seek is not the person we believe we have found.Circus you sound like a really cool guy who has had enough of difficult relationships and just wants that special person to share time with,i have to be honest with you and i don't think this lady deserves a guy like you,i think you are better than that,in time you shall find your special person and she will be the one who treats you with the love and respect you deserve.Don't go searching for something that isn't there.Just be your natural self and she will find you. hope i have not disrespected you in anyway .

[Psycho Circus]

Macabre, you're not disrespecting me in any way so don't sweat it. I know exactly what you're saying and I know that it is probably the truth, I've played those thoughts over in my head several times. It's just that the feelings remain the same and I never got proper closure, any real explanation or truth behind anything I was told or led to believe. This girl did have issues, similar issues to my ex which is why they ended up getting on so well. These "issues" I've had painful experience with, but I never got the chance to fully talk it through with this girl. She's smart and has a sense of humor, does seem quite deep, yet seems a total flake. I find it hard when people keep telling me what an interesting or cool guy I am, when nobody is ever interested romantically in me and anyone I make friends with in "the real world" always just uses me for something.

[Cthulhu]

I've been thinking since I've first read your story.
First of all, you should find out how did she meet your ex. That could explain a thing or two.
After that, you should talk to her. Confront her with her deeds. I think you deserve an explanation.
Sadly, it is a possibility that she is playing with you. I hope there is an other explanation.
All in all, I'm with you, Circus. You're not the only one with a broken heart.

[Psycho Circus]

First of all, you should find out how did she meet your ex. That could explain a thing or two.

They moved in the same social circles, knew the same people. Once I mentioned who it was I'd met, my ex basically tracked her down online and got "talking".

[Cthulhu]

First of all, you should find out how did she meet your ex. That could explain a thing or two.

They moved in the same social circles, knew the same people. Once I mentioned who it was I'd met, my ex basically tracked her down online and got "talking".

Your ex really has issues.
Well, there's only one thing left to be done.
Talk to the girl.

[Killer Bees]

I'm convinced this whole world has gone mad.  All you have to do is see what's happening in the world lately.  Also, it must be the season for broken hearts.  Right now life sucks pretty wickedly.

Circus, you need to find out what this chick's deal is.  It seems like she's playing with you and you deserve better than that.  Right now what's happening is a very strong chemical reaction between the two of you.  That has its own attractions but if she's messing with you now, then she'll continue to do so if you let her.

I'm not sure what the solution is here, it depends on how much you love and respect yourself and what you consider acceptable to you personally - how much are you willing to put up with from ths girl?

I'll tell you a secret about us women and it's not pretty.  If we are feeling very powerful within ourselves and we know we can get any guy we want, sometimes that power goes to our heads and we like to mess with men to see how much we can get away with.  We will behave in very bad ways to see how much of a man you are and how well you can deal with us.  It's a bit of a double edged sword sometimes because if you put up with a lot of bulls.h.i.t we can lose respect for you.

I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but I've done that to men in the past and it's wrong but in my defence I was angry at the world and my behaviour with men reflected that.

Or that could just be my behaviour patterns.  Whichever way it works out, sweetie, I wish you luck and you know that we are always here for you. 

[Mr. DS]

Yeah your ex sounds a bit f*cked in the head.  I'd only recommend letting this girl what your history is with your ex.  Let her know how you really feel about her and go for broke.  If it bounces back this girl wants to be an Ahole about it, move on man.  You're worth more than that.

[Flick James]

I'm reminded of the opening scene in Swingers. When the two friends are sitting and talking about how the one guy is obssessed with his ex and how he thinks about her all the time. It's not exactly the same situation, but because you think about her all the time it's similar:

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob:  You don't call.
Mike: You said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob:  Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way.
Rob:  Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up...is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her.
Rob:  Right.
Mike: Well, that sucks.
Rob:  Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's like a retroactive decision then? I mean, I could, like, forget about her. And then when she comes back, make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob:  Right, although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob:  I mean, at first you're gonna pretend to forget about her. Not call her, I don't know, whatever. But then, eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well, unless she comes back first.
Rob:  Mm, see, that's the thing. Somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

Rob is giving Mike the best advice a good friend can give in that situation. Circus, I know the girl you're into is not your ex, but the idea is the same. You have something established with her, you're now in a position where she has no interest in you and her opinion perhaps poluted against you, in this case your actual ex instead of a previous relationship, so the situation is not dissimilar. My advice? Forget about her, even if you have to force yourself. No good can come from trying to force something to happen.

[Allhallowsday]

Why do you communicate with your ex? 

I thought last year you had quit drinking, you've tumbled off the wagon? 

Whose pictures were you looking at (mentioned in another thread) and feeling blue?

[Jack]

Find some girl who likes you and doesn't just want to f*** with your head.  Even if all you can think about is the bus girl, work hard on caring about the new one instead. 

[Psycho Circus]

Why do you communicate with your ex? 

I thought last year you had quit drinking, you've tumbled off the wagon? 

Whose pictures were you looking at (mentioned in another thread) and feeling blue?

1. I don't anymore (since December), we were supposed to be just friends, but she wanted to get back together - hence her being a total cow with me. The problem I have is that, when I try to ignore her she tries to make my life a living hell. Force me out of my home, turn people against me and damage property.

2. I don't seem to be able to quit drinking for good. It is making me quite unwell at present, but I've got holes to fill and it's the easiest solution whilst I'm being weak.

3. The chick I'm looney tunes about.

[Allhallowsday]

1. The ex involvement was a big mistake.  Why on earth would she want to see you happy with your dream girl if she wants you herself?  I expect she undermined you from day one.
2. Being a drunk is a choice one makes.  Your drunken reaction to this bus girl and your ex is understandable (see #1) but it doesn't reflect well on you and may in fact have confirmed crap the ex spilled.
3. You are loony tunes.  What kind of a girl ensures you see her frenching your ex (see #1)?  Is your ex some kind of mesmerist??  Seriously, man, look harder at the situation. 

The consensus here is you deserve better, and I concur, but then again we've never shaved your balls. 

[akiratubo]

Then, she gets real friendly with my ex girlfriend to the point that when we finally went out, she was frenching my ex at a bar!

She was hurting you on purpose.  Forget her and move on, she's not worth another thought.