RECENT VIEWINGS (Bad Movie Thread!)

[M.10rda]

GOLIATH AND THE DRAGON (1960):
It seems improbable that LilCerberus hasn't reviewed this one but I couldn't get a hit using the Search function. Maybe LC reviewed this under an alternate title? I'd just watched an excellent and smart new theatrical release and then two challenging though unrewarding 20th century foreign art films so I needed to watch something totally brainless, I guess.

Mark Forest plays Goliath aka "Ercole" - not Hercules, but "Ercole", heh. The opening narration explains how he must venture into the Dragon's Lair to recover the Blood Diamond  at which point my eyes glazed over - but then the glimmer of life returned to them moments later as Goliath started slap-fighting a moth-eaten three-headed Cerberus (!!!) with real fire coming out of a couple of its dodgy-looking mouths. This must be what the Italians called "neo-realism", surely - an actor looking authentically upset as he tries to avoid third-degree burns from an unsafe (and unspecial) effect!

A few minutes after he defeats Cerberus, Goliath briefly wrestles a mangy six-foot ManBat in what might be the film's funniest moment. Then one famous actor and a bunch of anonymous Mediterraneans talk for a long, long time. Then Goliath fights a bear that is (unfortunately) somewhat more convincing than the bear in "WINNIETOU 2" LAST OF THE RENEGADES. Then more talking, then a huge statue falls on Goliath twice and the second time he gets mad enough to throw it. Then lightning strikes a Greek demiGoddess or something, then finally the dragon shows up and is stop-motion in a couple wide-shots, then for the remainder of its fight w/ Goliath it's just a papier mache head. Then the movie still hasn't ended but I recall no other bits worth mentioning.

Honestly this wasn't too much sillier than the original CLASH OF THE TITANS and it was more entertaining than my previous watch, Bunuel's DIARY OF A CHAMBERMAID.......
2/5

My understanding is that the Cahiers du Cinema/French New Wave guys regarded GOLIATH director Vittorio Cottefavi the way the Medveds regarded Ed Wood. On one hand Godard and Truffaut were obviously smarter than the Medveds (Cottefavi was definitely no Wood!) but on the other hand he does spin his camera upside down for no clear reason during the "statue falling on Goliath" scene and honestly that kind of  carefree flourish would've definitely livened up CINEMA SOCIALISME... or JULES ET JIM.......

[M.10rda]

THE BEAST FROM THE BEGINNING OF TIME (1965):
Here's an odd one - a "vanity" project from regional (Kansas) TV horror host Tom Leahy Jr., who decided to write, direct, and "star" in his own spooky vehicle. (He plays the Beast.) Learning that trivia helps make sense of the look and feel of this scrappy, pseudo-competent effort. It bares the unmistakable look of 20th century TV station video. Some scenes are carelessly shot like breaking news by a remote team, some placidly composed and lit like a public access talk show, and some (during the climax) look surprisingly artistic, as if the bored studio techs were suddenly inspired to get creative. Leahy's dialogue is mostly decent and most of the cast appear to have had careers as competent community theater actors or onscreen personalities. But the editing is something of a mess, and there were times I'd wondered if this was somehow recorded live and "cut" between two or three cameras (poorly). It wasn't - actually it might have looked more seamless if it had been!

TBFTBOT hews close to its presumed inspirations - the earlier badfilms that Leahy must've screened for his audience. Seemingly serious archaeologists find neanderthal Leahy encrusted in rock that is "millions" of years old even though they know cavemen lived "thousands" of years ago. Clearly this demonstrates that humans co-existed with dinosaurs! (Some red meat for Leahy's bible belt viewers?) Lightning revives LeahyMan and, refreshingly, he's a vicious killer instead of a misunderstood victim (and "likely a carnivore!"). The good guys pump many bullets and shells in the Beast before one scientist intuits the (insane) method of stopping him for good. That scientist's disregard for a priceless museum displtay/ancient artifact at the film's conclusion gave me the biggest laugh of the night.

If Leahy had worn a gorilla suit instead of a loincloth and a Beatles wig, TBFTBOT would've scored at least a 3/5!
2.5/5
Leahy appears to have only made one other horror short - I might dig around for it.

[zombie no.one]

THE ROCK (1996)

Thought I might have seen this but no... prob confusing it with CON AIR

There's a very specific type of early to mid 90s big-action-movie 'wisecracky' off the cuff humour which is somehow equal parts nerdy and macho, and which is all over this... this same basic humour style was ramped up into the 2000s to the point of odiousness, but here it's quite fun.

Can never see Connery as anything other than Bond, and that took me out of the film a bit, but I guess that's my problem.

a strong 3/5... guess M Bay was once not a problem

[M.10rda]

I strongly disliked the original BAD BOYS and then when THE ROCK came out I haaaaaaaated it. You are correct, though, it seems positively quaint in retrospect. 

[zombie no.one]

I strongly disliked the original BAD BOYS and then when THE ROCK came out I haaaaaaaated it. You are correct, though, it seems positively quaint in retrospect. 

only recently attempted BAD BOYS and bailed after 30 mins. outside of FRESH PRINCE I've just never liked Will Smith tbh.

[M.10rda]

I liked Will Smith just fine - it's Martin Lawrence I simply cannot stomach. Of course it co-starred Tea Leoni - maybe her first film after the terrific, underrated sitcom "Flying Blind" - and she's super-appealing (okay, super incredibly hot) in BAD BOYS - and I still struggled to finish it. Ugh.

[M.10rda]

THE NEANDERTHAL MAN (1953):
Yes, because I'll watch anything w/ an apeman. This is a fine example of how a pretty good screenplay and very good performances can still add up to a Bad Movie - if one factors in directorial negligence and laughable effects. First feather in its cap: NEANDERTHAL MAN begins in media res, with something smashing its way out of Dr. Mad Scientist's home laboratory. Is it the Neanderthal Man? (It isn't, but good job getting the viewer quickly hooked!) Dr. Mad ignores his appealing, smart, and loyal 40ish girlfriend and (more wisely) his daft teenage daughter in order to conduct unethical experiments on his deaf-mute Latin maid and (even worse still) an adorable Maine Coon in a cage. He's also prone to getting in screaming debates at the local Naturalist club over novel theories of parallel evolution - and again to the writers' credit, the dialogue in this debate is identical to actual arguments I've been hearing for decades on the radio, Youtube, in documentaries, et al. There's also a sturdy elder Wildlife Warden who's just positive he spotted a sabretooth tiger on a mountain road last night...! Old Man Warden enlists a strapping young Anthropologist, played by a guy who looks and acts almost exactly like young Bill Shatner, to help him investigate the weird goings on - but Doc Shatner is of course a smug white guy inclined to automatically disbelief the narratives of absolutely everyone who isn't him. That includes a large and pretty well-distinguished supporting cast of locals, including Beverly Garland (later of Corman flicks and other stuff), who's like 8th billed or something yet gives a stand-out (honestly, moving!) performance as a nice waitress who ends up the victim of s*x**l ass**lt at the hands of a roaming Neanderthal Man.   

There's a lot going on in this flick and I was there for it... but dudes, you cannot have two characters discuss an alleged "sabretooth tiger" with "tusks" for several minutes, then immediately proceed to a scene where those same two characters encounter the alleged "sabretooth tiger" who is just a normal tiger with absolutely no tusks, and then have Character A apologize to Character B and acknowledge that they've just seen a sabretooth tiger with tusks. Why, you might as well end a MONSTER movie by having the Narrator announce "...There was no Monster!" 

But, okay, I know what you're saying - Monsieur 10RDA, give the filmmakers a break - they had some stock footage of a tiger, how were they going to visually give it tusks in 1953? Au contraire, mes amis du mauvais cinéma! The filmmakers had the tiger on set - the tiger was an actor! This is confirmed when the tiger meets the Neanderthal Man at the film's climax - attacks him on-camera/in the same shot - and then they roll around wrestling on the ground! What, was it in the tiger's contract that he simply wouldn't wear fake teeth for this role? Was this an issue of tiger representation?

BTW the Neanderthal Man is the Mad Scientist after a serum injection and some WOLF-MAN time lapse that makes his white hands turn brown  and then when we see Dr. Mad again he's wearing an early John Chambers POTA-prototype mask but still wearing a button down shirt and slacks. 

2/5
I guess the received racism of having a white guy turn brown in order to become an Apeman was a "choice" necessary to explain how a black/brown Maine Coon tabby can become a giant orange non-sabretooth tiger....... 

[LilCerberus]

Tonight's Stinker
Star Odyssey (1979)
https://youtu.be/HB4tq1SpgxA?si=gxdjRdh-1OGxwZKj

I forget the name of the cheap Italian franchise, but it's one that recycles those guys in silver jumpsuits with the dime store light sabers & trademark Dutch Boy wigs....

So anyway, a scaly looking alien heads for Earth looking for slaves, makes a mockery of Earth's defenses, & blows up a few cities....
The only hope, is to pull a scientist out of retirement who really hates the government.... He declines, but immediately starts his on mission in secret.... He hypnotizes a young military pilot, & assembles his own team: A psychic gambler, two chemists, an acrobatic prizefighter and a pair of bickering antique robots....

A really bad VHS print, terribly blurry.... The movie it's self starts off okay, but then gets very plodding, even during action sequences....

[zombie no.one]

MESSENGERS 2: THE SCARECROW (2009)

Evil Scarecrow Movie.

cornfield: check

moody dad + family on farm: check

10 yr old son who apparently has never heard of what a scarecrow is until now?: erm, check

bit slow, but for some reason I really love scarecrow films. It might be my fav horor 'trope' (for want of literally any other word). so I made it all the way through this. 

Yes, because I'll watch anything w/ an apeman. 

I find they tend to hog all the popcorn.   

[M.10rda]

  Thank you for the grammar check!

In fact, I will watch any movie ABOUT an Apeman. I wouldn't ever watch a movie WITH an Apeman.

[Senor Citizen]

Got productive morning.

The Haunting
Entertaingly bad "horror"-movie where Cathrine Zeta-Jones puts her best overacting on game. Not much re-playing value but gonna show to my friends because of the soundtrack. Really loud and active with DEEEEeeeeepppp bass.

Cruel Jaws
Just awesome!Bad rip-off that steal scenes from every movie, including Silence of the lambs.
So bad that the HDMI-cable stopped working and couldn`t make it to the end.

Ghosts of Mars
The downfall of Carpenter. Kinda entertaining but meh.
The music allthough sounds like noisecore-band A**L C**T (it hurts so much to censor that). Same repetitive riff for 2 minutes.

[Senor Citizen]

Got productive morning.

The Haunting
Entertaingly bad "horror"-movie where Cathrine Zeta-Jones puts her best overacting on game. Not much re-playing value but gonna show to my friends because of the soundtrack. Really loud and active with DEEEEeeeeepppp bass.

Cruel Jaws
Just awesome!Bad rip-off that steal scenes from every movie, including Silence of the lambs.
So bad that the HDMI-cable stopped working and couldn`t make it to the end.

Ghosts of Mars
The downfall of Carpenter. Kinda entertaining but meh.
The music allthough sounds like noisecore-band A**L C**T (it hurts so much to censor that). Same repetitive riff for 2 minutes.

On Cruel Jaws, there is scene where audio is all mess (high seiling so reverb is real) and still you can see the reflection of boom mic