RECENT VIEWINGS (Bad Movie Thread!)

[zombie no.one]

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN (1999)

Now it's Van Damme's turn to do 'every action movie ever condensed into one'... this one is very bitty and all over the place. never really gels into anything coherent.

there's a scene where Van Damme is looking at a palm / hand ID screen thing, with a computer generated graphic of a hand on it... and the hand spins around and flips the bird at him 

 that's all you need to know about this film, everything else is a footnote in comparison. (edit, no pun intended)

[Dr. Whom]

Plan 9 From Outer Space

While I had seen numerous clips, I realised I had never seen it in its entirety. It does not disappoint. This must be the ultimate example of 'we need this scene to happen, so we just write it in the script'.

For me the high point is Tor Johnson rising from the grave. At first you think this actually looks good, and then you realise he's stuck and they have to cut to another shot.
Also, the police lieutenant has a disconcerting habit of gesticulating with his gun. It is a miracle nobody gets shot by accident.

Still more watchable than Larry Buchanan, though.

[Senor Citizen]

Mimic

Seen this couple of times on dvd and thought it was ok.
Now that I bought DTS Laserdisc I found the movie boring and unintresting. Couldn't make it till the end.
Money well spent.

Final Approach

Bought this because of CDS-soundtrack and the movie sucks. Two people conversating with loud flashbacks. It all sounds really good but that`s it.
Movie ends while I was writing this and really don`t care what happens in the end.
Kinda Red Letter Media Best of the worst-quality.

[LilCerberus]

Svenghoulie tonight......
The Valley of Gwangi (1969)
No mention yet of any relation to The Beast of Hollow Mountain (1956)

[zombie no.one]

THE BONE COLLECTOR (1999)

this somehow manages to rip off SE7EN before it's even started, with the quick transition graphic after you hit play on the dvd menu screen. good work.

it's one of those 'horrors' that does not really want to be a horror, it wants to be a thriller instead, but bad luck we're all out of thrills here, so how about some cheese instead? sorry, we've sold out of premium camembert, so how about a Kraft slice that's been procured from under the sofa instead? coming right up

>>starring Angalieena Joaley<<

[breathy voice]:
 oh Angalieena, doth thou takest my hand in marriage, because thou art world's sexiest woman in the worldeth? apparently-eth? but... thou lookest somewhat like a young boy to mine eyes here... (weird). perhap I will postpone our wedding and sit on my couch watching your bad films instead. au revoir ma cherie <3 <3

The thing that ultimately did my head in about this film was the incessant background music which does not improve anything or make anything more exciting / tense / suspenseful got on my nerves so badly I had to stop it, but I did get over half way through.

3 Bones out of 10... make no bones about it, this was bad.

[M.10rda]

MIMIC has always been a terrible movie.

[M.10rda]

THE GORGON (1964):
The Thing About Hammer Films (...I type smugly, having now seen 15 or 20 or some number in my lifetime, though surely not all of them) is they tend to not actually be that good, or fun. But many of them star two iconic actors who often give amusing performances, and perhaps more importantly they're British, so on this side of the Atlantic anyways everyone automatically assumes these films are very serious and intelligent, like we do w/ Merchant-Ivory films and "Downton Abbey" et cetera. Anyway, THE GORGON is similarly slow, dry, and ultimately technically inept, though with a handful of amusements sprinkled throughout.

Peter Cushing stars as a shady head doctor at a shady medical institution  a staple character and setting of the Hammer franchise. I often think Cushing looks bored in Hammer flicks or irritated at needing to partake in such frivolity. He appears irritated all the time in this role, too, but I think it's a legitimate character choice, and he holds one's interest through long dull stretches. (He also weirdly exudes a Robert Englund quality here.) Christopher Lee is first-billed above Cushing for a change, though he has less screen time; he gets a hilarious gray wig and bushy moustache that makes him look like Professor Abronsius from FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLERS. Nevertheless Lee always looks cool in all senses of the word. Acting was his second career after a life in military intelligence, and I guess after you've had to confront and slay actual monsters (like Nazis) snake-headed women won't even make you blink. Once Lee joins the action and particularly when he and Cushing are onscreen together, the film picks up.

A desolate old mansion near Cushing's hospital is occupied by the eponymous mythological harridan. The screenplay identifies her as "Megara", who it claims was one of the two sisters of Medusa, with "Persephone". Okay, leaving Persephone out of this entirely for a moment...  ...According to Edith Hamilton et al, Medusa had two sisters named Euryale and Sthenos............. I have no idea who this "Megara" person is, but I guess it's emblematic of the amount of effort the writer invested in this gig. Anyway, "Megara" looks pretty much like Medusa looks in CLASH OF THE TITANS, and as long as she is only glimpsed in dimly lit or softly focused wide shots, she's scary. (I admit I am a sucker for the whole "Medusa in the shield" motif in horror literature.) Unfortunately Terrence Fisher decided he had to show her in close-ups at the climax, which features larfably bad FX that close the film on a low note. Say what you will about COTH, but Harryhausen's Medusa actually looks scary even when you do see her full-on.

2.5/5

Madame and I have a rubber gorgon head-dress on our coatrack that looks more realistic than the hair on this gorgon. 

[zombie no.one]

^^ I always see this on the shelf at my local HMV and although I'm mildly tempted, to date there has always been something else more tempting to buy... doesn't surprise me that it's a slowie

[LilCerberus]

Tonight's Stinker
The American Astronaut (2001)
https://youtu.be/aWY3NGCnZao?si=GUeAcbRAc7FIwdNT
Or at https://youtu.be/COxhvqWWxSU?si=n-PbI494lqm96rue

A space fairing horse trader delivers a cat to a bar at an asteroid.... In return, he's given a suitcase with the DNA of a "real live girl", which he later learns he must deliver to Jupiter (an all male colony), in exchange for a sixteen year old boy, who he must deliver to Venus (an all female colony), and then he'll be set for life....
Things take a turn when it's revealed the narrator of this story is really the murderous Professor Hess, who's in a mean mood after nobody remembers his birthday.....

Artsy black & white, with lots of insider jokes and impromptu musical numbers from indy artists one might expect from a Penelope Spheeris film....
Pretty weird, but watchable.........

[Dr. Whom]

THE GORGON (1964):
The Thing About Hammer Films (...I type smugly, having now seen 15 or 20 or some number in my lifetime, though surely not all of them) is they tend to not actually be that good, or fun.

I must say I never quite got what all the fuss about Hammer movies was about. They have their moments, certainly, but I never found them all that exciting. The only one I really liked was Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires, which is way ahead of its time.

[zombie no.one]

THE GORGON (1964):
The Thing About Hammer Films (...I type smugly, having now seen 15 or 20 or some number in my lifetime, though surely not all of them) is they tend to not actually be that good, or fun.

I must say I never quite got what all the fuss about Hammer movies was about. They have their moments, certainly, but I never found them all that exciting. The only one I really liked was Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires, which is way ahead of its time.

agreed re: most of them...

DRACULA AD1972 is a funky campfest. (or a campy funkfest?). that one's pretty entertaining anyway, imo

[M.10rda]

Hammer movies became more entertaining as they entered the 70s and started incorporating disco music and gore and more nudity. 

[Rev. Powell]

Tonight's Stinker
The American Astronaut (2001)
https://youtu.be/aWY3NGCnZao?si=GUeAcbRAc7FIwdNT
Or at https://youtu.be/COxhvqWWxSU?si=n-PbI494lqm96rue


Artsy black & white, with lots of insider jokes and impromptu musical numbers from indy artists one might expect from a Penelope Spheeris film....
Pretty weird, but watchable.........

That's no stinker! Belongs in the good movies section. I've got an interview with the director if you're interested: https://youtu.be/fa0Ss48p2f0?si=J8JekDuyyVeTxk-3