RECENT VIEWINGS (Bad Movie Thread!)

[LordGraal]

The Humanoid (1979) upscaled to 4K.  Whoever worked on this did a very good job - the film  has never looked so good.  I would'nt have cropped it though but that's being picky.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vq4V0L1OLMM

[M.10rda]

JEOPARDY (1953):
A married couple - late 40ish Barry Sullivan and a woman apparently in her 50s or early 60s played by 46 year-old Barbara Stanwyck - drive to Mexico for a vacation w/ their very young son, who must've been a miracle of science or else was adopted. They spend a solid 25 minutes holidaying aimlessly, which is quite boring unless maybe you're Greg Bovino or Stephen Miller, in which case maybe the entire 25 minutes of three white people blithely traipsing around Mexico is unbearably suspenseful, though in director John Sturges' hands Mexico looks nice at times and empty/innocuous for the most part. Anyway, Sullivan is eventually trapped on a coastline by large rubble during high tide in a turn of events that defies my ability to even begin to rationalize it for you, and Stanwyck has to rush off to find the nearest available help, which happens to be... murderous escaped gringo convict Ralph Meeker!

Okay... Barbara Stanwyck has never been my jawn (as the kids are saying). Even as a young thing in her underwear in NIGHT NURSE she couldn't raise my temperature. Fourteen years later in DOUBLE INDEMNITY she and Fred MacMurray made for the least steamy "Steamy Noir Thriller" couple in "Steamy Noir Thriller" history. MacMurray had more chemistry in DOUBLE INDEMNITY w/ Edward G. Robinson, like Bogart had more chemistry w/ Rains in CASABLANCA, except I'll pay Ingrid Bergman in CASABLANCA a rare compliment here and say that Bergman's sexuality in CASABLANCA is a mere non-exisent sum, whereas Stanwyck in DOUBLE INDEMNITY is pure salt peter - a net-negative killer of all boners that might accidentally enter her cosmic orbit. I guess if you harbor a longing for your grade school lesbian gym teacher, Stanwyck might do it for you. But if I had to choose between a one-night stand w/ Mercedes McCambridge or a lifetime married to Stanwyck in JEOPARDY, I'd strap on my scapular and rosary and ask the Power of Christ to compel me!

That's a long way around trying to say that this entire film seems to be one long thirst-trap  manufactured to steam the girdles of middle-aged housewives (or "cougars" maybe in 21st century parlance). Meeker is still pretty young and studly here, and most of the rest of the film focuses on the question of whether he'll decide to help Stanwyck save Sullivan or just carry her over his shoulder to the hills and have his way with her. (Stanwyck's absurd voice-over is fraught with internal conflict.) Meeker was always an expert at playing big grinning oafs who could just as easily slap you on the back and buy you a beer as abruptly murder you in cold blood, so he makes it almost plausible that his character is hard-up enough to fall for Stanqyck's feminine charms.  I'll spare you the suspense: in the end, Meeker reveals more decency and integrity than one would expect. He helps rescue Sullivan and then lets the family go in peace with STanwyck unmolested. But really that's no surprise - I wouldn't even screw Stanwyck with Ralph Meeker's member!

2/5
Like Meeker, Sullivan is a good actor, and both better than Stanwyck. A simple demonstration of this: 75% of the film is driving, much of it before rear-projection but at least some on location. In all cases, Meeker and Sullivan even drive or act like they're driving more convincingly than Stanwyck - they behave like actual good drivers, with their gaze mostly steady ahead of them, whereas her eyes bounce around all over the place like she's touring Jurassic Park or something.