Let's write a bad movie script together!

[ER]

(Can you guys pretty please with stevia on top write in an overweight hairless German man wearing a diaper and doing sheep calls? Really, little else adds gravitas to a movie like an overweight hairless German man wearing a diaper while doing sheep calls. It's what the Star Wars sequels lacked.)

[chainsaw midget]

There's nothing stopping you from adding it, is there?)

[Trevor]

Who Flung Dung is busy processing food along with the other received projects when Dame Joan Collins walks by in a negligee and high heels.

Bruce Reeee screams and bumps into a wall, Dung topples into one of the sewage tanks.

[ER]

There's nothing stopping you from adding it, is there?)

Just my famous sense of modesty and tact.

[indianasmith]

(As Who Flung Dung climbs out of the tank, covered with colon-scented chocolate syrup doodoo sauce, he sees an overweight German man wearing a diaper and carrying a shepherd's crook, strolling down the road at the edge of a cornfield.  The man is issuing long, plaintive "Baaaa!!" sounds, and a herd of sheep frisks in his wake.  Suddenly, there is  a rustling in the corn.  Cut to stock footage of a hippo angrily attacking a gazelle, except the gazelle has been badly covered with CGI wool.)

German Shepherd:  "Dolly!  Nein, nein, der fiend hast gotten Dolly!"

(A second CGI hippo pops out of the corn, and the German shepherd is cruelly devoured - at least, there's footage of a  hippo chewing on a "Ken" doll wearing a diaper, and then a close up of a half gallon of fake blood hitting the ground.)

From the other side of the cornfield, you hear Goodman's voice crying:

"Suzie!?!?  Where are you, girl?"

[chainsaw midget]

We spend the next ten minutes with Goodman being sad and depressed and the local color talking about boring science things.  This is the part where Dr. Happy shows up.  There's a "humorous" bit where Goodman looses his cowboy hat and replaces it with various "funny" head gear. 

There's a shot of Wang getting out of a helicopter.

Two women are taking a short together when suddenly a hippo breaks through the wall and eats one of them. 

These scenes do not seem to be connected and day and night randomly change.

[indianasmith]

(Marvin Snodgrass arrives in a jeep driven by a weatherbeaten Egyptian who is inexplicably wearing a large sombrero.
He sees Goodman, standing there looking inconsolable as he stares at the cornfield.  The pyramids are still in the background, obviously CGI generated, but they have changed positions.)

Goodman: "Oh, Suzie, why did you have to leave me?  What happened to you?  And why were their huge round footprints all around your bloodstained underwear?"
Snodgrass: "Excuse me, sir, but I'm Marvin Snodgrass with the HOUND News network.  Is it true that your cornfield has been invaded by carnivorous hippos?"
Goodman: "Hippos?  Hippos aren't carnivorous!  That's ridiculous.  But wait - those footprints!  Suzie's bloody clothes!  Oh my Jayhawks, my cornfield has been invaded by giant carnivorous hippos!!"
Snodgrass: "Wait, who is this Suzie?"
Goodman: (sobbing) "My wife!  My hot little corn nugget! The hippos got her and now I'll never see her again, except as chopped up bits of hippo poop!"
Snodgrass: "Sir, may I interview you?"
Goodman: "No, go away! Oh, my poor little Suzie!"
Snodgrass: (Turns to camera) "There you have it, folks, the cornfields of Egypt have been invaded by giant, carnivorous hippos!  Stay tuned as we try to get some footage of these monstrous beasts! Now, stay tuned for the Han Shannidy show!"

[pacman000]

Long, long scene of Snoggrass walking in a forest. The oh-so-common Nile deciduous forests just outside of Egypt beside the Sahara. He turns to the camera.

Snograss: Shhhh! I'm hunting for Hippos.

Suddenly, a full-size paper-mache hippo breaks through the underbrush. Snograss dodges it, but it eats the camera & cameraman. Cut to a shot of the hippo puppet with red-tinted corn syrup dripping from its maw. It burps, & camera parts are thrown from its mouth. You can see the puppeteer's hand in this shot.

[chainsaw midget]

Snodgarss runs and the traveling camera effect borrowed from Sam Raimi chases him.  The scene cuts away before we can learn if he lives or not. 

Cut to McNiceypants who is drowning his sorrows in little fruity drinks with umbrellas in them.  He's talking with Ali HoTep.  Ali is talking about how strange the hippos have been acting.  McNiceypants is curious and wonders if he can find out more.  Ali says he knows somebody that might be an expert. 

Cut to Sarah Goodchest.  She's wearing an old fashioned explorers helmet (pith helmet) and a top and pair of shorts that would make Lara Croft blush.  She's taking science samples of the water.

[Alex]

As Sarah concentrates on her task, she fails to notice the ripple in the water approaching her. Dramatic music plays as it gets closer and closer until two things happen with shocking speed. First a crocodile lunges from the water at her, but the predator had failed to notice it was on someone elses dinner menu as an even faster hippo bursts out of the water splashing it everywhere and sinking its teeth into the reptiles underside, tearing at its neck and sending a spray of blood out mixing with the water. Sarah is too taken aback at the speed of the whole thing to react or even scream as with its eyes staring at her, the hippo sinks beneath the water dragging its prey down with it, until both have disappeared under the surface.

In moments it is deathly quiet as if nothing had happened.

After a few more stunned seconds, Sarah Goodchest regains her senses and flees screaming back to the camp.

[pacman000]

Any bad movie needs an endless bar scene with a mediocre local band. Ergo:

(The scene: a local bar. On stage is a local band, represented by anyone we have under contract with our record division. They get up & sing a song.)

(Insert Song 1)

(Insert Song 2)

(Insert Song 3)

(The crowd goes wild; they obviously love the songs, which will hopefully convince the teens seeing this to go buy our records. The band leader gets up.)

Band Leader: Thank you! Thank you! You've been a wonderful crowd! Now, for our latest number!  We know you all have heard a lot about the rampaging hippos, & we've written a song to celebrate the event! Hit it!

(Insert title Song: Rogue Rampaging Hippos)

(The crowd goes wild for the song, dancing & singing along. They give the band a standing ovation, & ask for an oncor. The band obliges. As the band begins to sing again, cut to Snograss, at the bar.)

Goodman: Oh! My Suzie! Why? Why? WHY‽

Barkeep: Here, have another drink; I'll put it on your tab.

Goodman: No; no more. This demands action, not more alcohol!

Barkeep: You ordered sarsaparilla...

Goodman: ...You mean sarsaparilla doesn't have any alcohol?

Barkeep: ...No. It's like rootbeer. Well, technically, there might be a small amount of alcohol in it, because it was fermented to create carbonation, but there wouldn't actually be enough to actually do anything to anyone.

Goodman: Oh... Ok. Pour another.

(Meanwhile, on the other end of the bar, a large man in lederhosen is enjoying both his drink & the singing too much.)

Lederhosen Man: Oh! Zis iz good! I must yodel!

(Lederhosen Man gets up, stumbles onto stage, & starts to yodel.)

Bandleader: Hey! Hey! We're trying to sing here!

Barkeep: Get him off stage!

Lederhosen Man: No! No! I must yodel!

(The band wrestles with the man, trying to get him off stage.)

Goodman: ...Can I have what he's having?

(Suddenly, we hear a rumble. The giant hippos break through the bar wall!)

[chainsaw midget]

*Dramatic trailer-worthy catch phrase From Goodman*

"YOU DARN HIPPOS!  I AM SICK OF YOUR SHENANIGANS!"

Goodman actually manages to kill one Hippo by stabbing it through the eyes with what appears to be a large metal pole that was in the bar for some reason. 

Brief action scene as several hippos trash the bar and eat a few extras. 

Suddenly Wang pulls up in a jeep and with a tone that would make Snidley Whiplash appear trustworthy, tells Goodman "Get in, my friend."

[pacman000]

He does. As they drive off, the drunk man takes off his shirt & begins to do sheep calls. (Cause ER asked nicely.)

They leave before we hear too much of that; we don't want to frighten the audience from the theaters.

[indianasmith]

Thanks for picking this back up, guys!  I'll add something on later.

[chainsaw midget]

For the next three minutes we watch a mediocre band and a very bad blonde singer.  They perform an entire song in a setting that doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of the movie. 

Just when we think this isn't going to have anything to do with anything, we see a hippo (looking badly done even for this movie) break in and eat the band.  The blonde makes a quip about rough gigs. 

This character is never seen again in the movie.