The Best Negative Review of a movie.

[BlackAngel]

I was reading my local newspaper, (N.Y.) Newsday, and I read probably the best review on Half Past Dead.  And it goes like this:

Get your money, get your gun
Steveb Seagal's back, and he's gained a ton
Throw out your money, throw out your gun
Ja Rule's with him, and he's havin' more fun
Crash go the window, bang go the gun
Prison is cool, when the stage blood run
Turn up the volume, shake your bun,
You won't hear nothin' when the movie's done.

Classic.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And may the Schwarts be with you.

[Virgill]

     I remember a few years back the reviewer in People magazine said of some film- If you only miss seeing one movie this year, make sure this is the one.

[Flangepart]

Nice sample, B.A.
Short, sweet, and to the point.
Reminds me of how Ed Nana started his review of "From hell it came"...."And to hell it can go!"

[JohnL]

I remember a review of the movie Career Opportunities with Jennifer Connelly. It started off by describing the standee for the movie and how it was her on the mechanical horse and that it rocked seductively. He ended the review with Go see the standee instead.

[Neville]

I buy on a regular basis at least one magazine for its destructive reviews. Here there are some gems:

- On a spanish film: "Not even H.P. Lovecraft, in his most abysmal nightmares, could imagine something as horrid as this."

- On "The hollow man": This one looks like the invisible man's striptease: Nothing here, nothing there.

- On "Sostiene Pereira": "The whole thing ends up looking like a remake of "Night of the living dead": Characters are developed in such a bad way you could not expect them to be alive, but yet they walk, move and even talk."

There are more, but I can't remember them right now.

[Luke Bannon (can't sign in)]

I liked Ebert's review of Freddy Got Fingered. It was nasty but funny, and for once I agreed with him!

[Neville]

At Jabootu sometimes they add a list of negative reviews to their own articles. I remember the quotes about "Sweet November" and "Battlefield Earth" were really wicked.

[Luke Bannon (can't sign in)]

And of course their Star Trek V comments. Jabootu is one of my faves!

[nshumate]

It's a bit longer, but Keith @ Teleport City's review of Jason X was a masterpiece of overflowing bile.  Excerpt:

"I hate this movie. I mean, I really hate this movie. I hate it with a fiery passion that burns as bright as a thousand suns. I'm not talking big bloated red suns either. I'm talking the searing white-blue heat of those white dwarf stars."

Full review at http://www.teleport-city.com/movies/reviews/horror/jason_x.html

[Nemo2342]

Nathan Shumate wrote:
>
> It's a bit longer, but Keith @ Teleport City's review of
> Jason X was a masterpiece of overflowing bile.  Excerpt:
>
> "I hate this movie. I mean, I really hate this movie. I hate
> it with a fiery passion that burns as bright as a thousand
> suns. I'm not talking big bloated red suns either. I'm
> talking the searing white-blue heat of those white dwarf
> stars."
>
> Full review at
> http://www.teleport-city.com/movies/reviews/horror/jason_x.html
>
>

"It's a movie that could almost be good enough to maybe, with a little rewriting here and there, one day make it as a "Sci Fi Channel original movie."

[akiratubo]

"Every once in a while, a film is made.  This is such a film."

Can't remember the movie.

[BoyScoutKevin]

The one I remember is for the 1955 version of "Cabaret," "I Am A Camera." The reviewer: "Me no Leica." Enjoy!

[John Morgan]

"It’s rare to see a movie that takes such a speedy swan dive from “promising” to “interesting” to “familiar” before landing squarely on “stupid”."
-- Scott Weinberg, APOLLO GUIDE on The Time Machine (2002 remake)

"Whether it's the worst movie of 2002, I can't say for sure: Memories of Rollerball
have faded, and I skipped Country Bears. But this new  jangle of noise, mayhem and stupidity must be a serious contender for the title."
 -- Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER on Ballistic: Ecks and Server

"The most horrific movie experience I've had since "Can't Stop The Music." It may as well be called “Jar-Jar Binks: The Movie.” It’s that painful."
 -- Collin Souter, EFILMCRITIC.COM on Scooby Doo

"Ruh-roh! Romething's really wrong with this ricture!"
 -- Lisa Schwarzbaum, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY on Scooby Doo

[mr. henry]

Eberts review for "battlefield earth"

---"two thumbs down. way down. way way down. way way way down"

-mr. henry

[Kanedoras]

Just about anything by Mr. Cranky (www.mrcranky.com), but especially his review of I am Sam.

"I would have gladly fitted the entire Chinese army with cleats and then let them march over my unfurled penis if it had meant I could have left the theatre even one second earlier."