Bonehead Reviews #1: "JASON X"

[Bonehead XL]

 Hi! I'm Bonehead XL and I'm a newbie around the phorum. I'm a huge bad movie fan (mostly slashers) and figured I share my reviews with you. Enjoy.

JASON X
Rated R
Copyrighted New Line Pictures 2001

>---The Cast:

Jason Voorhees: The classic hockey mask..... IN SPACE! How F-ing insane is that?
Rowen: The only survior of Jason's last rampage. Awakes in the year 2425. I think she was quite shocked.
K-M: The ship's android. She is so cool it's not funny.
Tsugara: K-M's boyfriend.... Yeah, I know she's a robot.
Sgt. Browski: The badass leader of the comandos. Burns up in the atmosphere of Earth 2.
Professor Brown: The student's kinky teacher. I'm so glad he dies. The image of him in a dress will haunt me forever. Beheaded off-screen.
Kitsu and Rocky: The ship's slut and her boyfriend. Kitsu drives the pod into a wall, and Rocky is stab by Jason.
Janessa: The ship's other slut. Sucked through a grid into outer space.
Space teenagers, comondos, and other people: Dead, dead, dead.... And dead!
Uber-Jason: He slices, he dices, he sturs and fries. It's Jason Version 2.0!


>---The Plot:

  Whoever side Jason could ever be caught was wrong. The film starts with him being held captive at Camp Crystel Lake Science Lab... Or something. It was three in the morning when I saw this film.
 Anyway, Jason is being held for scientific experiments. The Evil Goverment want to use him for war, or to spy on the people, or Russia, or whatever it is Evil Goverments do. But Jason is too smart for that, he escapes and kills a bunch of random people (Including David Cohenberg!) and Rowen is the last one alive.       She shoots Jason into a freezing pod and puts him on ice for a few hunderd years. To bad she gets frozen herself.
   Okay, flash-forward to the year 2425! Earth is a dump, and a group of students are exploring it, and hopefully not going into the bathrooms and having hot, lesbian, Hybrit sex .
   Anyway, the stupid teenagers find the frozen Jason and Rowen. They bring them on to their ship and they both de-frost. Rowen trys to warn everybody, Jason trys to kill everybody. Business as normal.....

IN OUTER SPACE!!!!

   Jason continues his rampage killing almost all of the people on the ship, except Kitsu who is so stupid she drives the only escape pod into a wall! God, she's better off dead.
   Tsugara decides to upgrade K-M and she goes from basic android to kick-ass babe. Using a big gun and kung-fu moves, she blows Jason's head, leg, and arm off. The hocky mask is down and likely dead. The group celebrates their victroy just as a rescue ship pulls in. Yeah! We're all saved, right?

   You are so wrong......

   Jason's dead body was left in the sick bay and the messed up computer heals him! Turning him into Uber-Jason! Now he looks like Robo-Cop on steroids but it's still Jason... I guess... Stop reading this paragraph, move on to the next one.
   Jason gets his revenge on K-M by knocking her head off, she lives and just rolls around a bit.
   Then the ship starts to explode for no reason. Which makes perfact sense.
    The group of heros get to the rescue ship as the other ship explodes. Sgt. Browski and Jason are gone, right? You would think, but behold, there is no logic here! I mean, come on, it's a Friday The 13th movie.
    Jason come flying at the escape pod and about to bust in when Sgt. Browski flys in and sends both of them heading into Earth 2's atmospere. Broski dies, Jason lives! He can't die! People stilll pay money to see these things! He must live!

>--- My Thoughts:

    God, this is a cool movie. Jason is just as good at killing stupid teenagers now as he was ten years ago. Long live the Hocky Mask! I can't wait for more!

>--- My Ratings: 4 Boneheads @@@@ (Jason Lives!)

>--- Coming Soon:

Darkness Falls (The Tooth Fairy's got your number!)
Friday The 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhatten (New York is next!)
Zombie 4: After Death (Beware the jell-o zombies)
Halloween 5: Revenge Of Michel Myers (It's not like he really gets revenge, that's just the title)
The Creature Walks Among Us (And annoys us)

[Scott0]

Don't post huge messages like that, send us a link.

[JohnL]

>Don't post huge messages like that, send us a link.

Maybe he doesn't have a web site. Besides, it takes like 1/2 a second to load on a 56K connection.

[Foywonder]

Why do people love JASON X? It is simply awful and fails to even get creative with the Jason in space concept. If you've seen the trailer then you've seen pretty much all there is to see.

[JohnL]

>Why do people love JASON X?

Lexa Doig is hot. What? You don't think pretty girls and mindless violence are enough to make a movie good? :)

[Andrew]

The review length seems fine to me.

I went to see this in the theater and, while it does have its bad points, the small crowd there was often laughing at the appropriate times.  Jason whacking the sleeping bag against the other girl and then the tree?  I almost hurt myself; I was laughing that hard.

[Foywonder]

That was the film's highpoint. Actually, it was the film's only highpoint. The rest was either a typical FRIDAY THE 13TH movie or (EEGADS!) the umpteenth ALIEN rip-off.

[Scott]

Bonehead. Don't worry your review was actually a good review. I useally just post a sentence or two about a movie because I don't know what else to say about it, but the ability to put together a good review is worth something. There are a few people on this site who can write a good review and maybe there is a business opportunity in just such a skill.

JASON X - I liked the film. I thought they could have done much more with the Jason in space concept.  I thought they could have made Jason a real solid film icon for all types of movie fans, but they took a different approach and it will remain in the catagory of slasher film. Dont get me wrong it was entertaining for sure. I just thought this film could have been in the realm of classic cult or maybe and epic film. No kidding. The concept conbination was perfect.

[Bonehead XL]

Thanks! I always like hearing good things!