BARN OF THE BLOOD LLAMA
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| Not Rated
| | Copyright 1997 Maybe Gravy Productions
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Dr. Albert - Pretty sick dude. He's been having, um, relations with a llama and experiments on them too. Get's two hooves through his chest.
- Jug - Inbred country dude who always wanted to be a cripple. This is the director and producer by the way...
- Toni - Very pretty city girl who gets caught up in this mess when she runs over Dr. Albert's lover (It's a llama...).
- Gibby - Jug's brother, he's looking for a new brain. Looses the top of his skull.
- Bock - Rock star on a comeback tour, gets electrocuted.
- Janet, Bea, and Tiffany - Three girls who work at a fast food place, none survive the vicious llamas.
- Stouker - Tobacco chewing tow truck driver, drinks llama - ugh - spooge and dies. (Long story and I'm NOT getting into it.)
- Three bowling girls - Fodder.
- The Blood Llamas - Genetic monsters who hate menstruating women. (Nope, not going to explain that either.)
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| Now here is a BAD MOVIE. I'm not talking modern day bad as we know it, I'm talking about Ed Wood without any funding bad. I'm talking about lowering your IQ bad. Not only does this movie hop through plot points like a drunken wombat - it also jumps between color and B&W film. Despite Kevin West's evil goal (Of leaving us with NO CLUE where we are.) we do know what follows. Jug and Gibby run a llama farm called "The World of Wool" and Dr. Albert is working on some projects there. Blessie Sue (Albert's special chunk of wooly tuckus.) is struck by Toni so she ends up waiting at the farm for her car to be fixed. Bock is there getting treatments from Dr. Albert to cure a case of songwriter's block and Janet, Bea, and Tiffany all end up there to star in his new video. Unfortunately something happens (Tiffany's period) and the llamas go beserk! Plenty of often strange and disturbing ideas in this movie folks, not the least of which is Jug and Gibby's references to the latter's relations with their mother. (Ugh, ugh.) The funeral for Blessie Sue was pretty amusing, despite the painful "everyone wave to the casket floating by" scene. (Check out the casket though.) This film is like bad whiskey my friends, don't judge it on the first take - a second shot made it go down alot easier.
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- It's always the animal lover who hits some poor llama with their car.
- Making your "pa" sit in his wheelchair, in the bed of a pickup, wearing a chicken mask, and fishing (with rod and reel) out of dumpsters is wrong.
- Priests tend to look like one of the "Blues Brothers."
- People with crutches should not jump rope.
- Llamas spit toxic cud which looks like silly string and will melt your face off.
- Eyepatches include complimentary ping pong balls with an "8" painted on it.
- Men shouldn't tell other men they're "tight as a drum."
- Jagged can tops make handy throwing stars.
- Your index finger has a major artery in it.
- Baby llamas don't spit toxic cud, they spit fire for some reason.
- Llamas can hold a knife and play the keyboard.
- Representatives of the Dalai Lama give out brains.
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- 3 mins - Oh no! It really is "dubbed in English!" HELP! HEEEELLLPPP!
- 4 mins - A man having sex with a fake llama butt?
- 7 mins - Getting dizzy from scene and color shifts.
- 10 mins - Hehehehe! That's a cell phone huh?
- 20 mins - My goodness, a casket for a quadraped...
- 24 mins - Um, is that supposed to be his penis or umbilical cord?
- 33 mins - What did Gibby say? Oh um, thanks...
- 39 mins - Hey breasts! But those aren't Toni's...
- 50 mins - A decapitated head! No, it's a fake head, um wait...
- 52 mins - Toni is having sex with a llama and it's wearing a condom? (Most of this is inferred.)
- 54 mins - Llama buttermilk, I don't think so.
- 60 mins - Gibby has GOT TO STOP TALKING ABOUT DOING HIS MOM.
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | bloodllama1.wav
| Jug: "You having fun running over our local wildlife?"
| | bloodllama2.wav
| Dr. Albert: "You call yourself an animal lover? You don't know the meaning of the word. Maybe you should get a bumper sticker that reads 'Practice Random Acts of Violence and Senseless Cruelty!'"
| | bloodllama3.wav
| Toni: "Does everything in Texas spit toxic cud?"
| | bloodllama4.wav
| Dalai Lama Rep: "When you ask for something as special as a brain even Buddha is going to give you the run around."
| | Theme Song | Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. | |
| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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