CEMETERY MAN
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1993 Audifilm-Urania Film
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Francesco Dellamorte - Cemetery caretaker who hates being called an "Engineer." Pretty laid back for a guy who has zombies crawling all over the place.
- Gnaghi - Seems to be an idiot, pretty much says, "Nah!" to everything.
- She - Drop dead GORGEOUS girl who haunts Francesco through the movie as seemingly three alternate versions. Version number one is zombie chow, and version two burns to death.
- Valentina - Mayor's daughter and a traffic fatality, her severed head (Zombiefied.) is in love with Gnaghi until Francesco blows a hole through it.
- Inspector Straniero - Entirely daft policeman, some madman is killing people and he never even suspects the disturbed cemetery caretaker.
- Franco - Town clerk, loses his mind for some reason.
- Claudio - Young motorcyclist, dies in a messy traffic accident.
- The Mayor - Annoying guy, I'm glad his daughter's "flying zombie head of doom" chews his neck out.
- Death - Creepy and evil avatar which possesses a statue in the cemetery, not happy with Francesco for killing the zombies.
- The Zombies - Anyone recently dead, killed in the usual way (Shoot the brain.)
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| "Dellamorte Dellamore" (Original title.) is quite the hidden gem. Francesco, a troubled cemetery caretaker, has problems with the dead. Mainly the pesky buggers refuse to stay dead, rising from their graves as hideous zombies within one week of burial. (A pretty common occurrence in Italy we can all agree.) He complains to the town hall, shoots them, and even splits their heads with a shovel. Then She comes into his life, still mourning the death of her husband they fall hopelessly in love. Number one reason it's hopeless? Dead hubby wakes up and kills her before Gnaghi splits the zombie's head open. Did I mention Gnaghi? This guy is AWESOMELY funny, he spends most of the film appearing to be a sputtering idiot. Little bit on the heavy side and constantly eating with a one word vocabulary, you can say a great deal with one word (Depending on inflection, length, volume.), especially when that word is "Nah!" Back to our poor hero, of course his love comes back and he's forced to shoot her. No adverse impact on your mental health there, shooting the woman you love. To make matters worse, he soon begins encountering strange alternate versions of her, all of which find themselves strangely attracted to him. Still, they're women and screw him over. (Shut up, sit down.) Gnaghi falls in love too, with the Mayor's daughter. Her death is the kindling flame of their romance as the happy goof digs up the corpse and pulls the head off to take home. Gnaghi merrily playing a tune while the rotting head sings is plenty whacked, plus he has her mounted inside the demolished television set. (It was shot by accident while battling zombies.) Plenty of oddities in this one, Francesco talking to the statue of Death in the cemetery, the entire movie occurs inside a snowglobe (Long story...), those weird little "blue lights" which flit around, and our main character going on a killing spree. My recommendation for this movie? "Nah!" |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Never send the autistic guy to rake leaves on a windy day.
- Ossuaries make women horny.
- Never have sex on your dead husband's grave.
- Women's veins are full of thick, black blood. (Knew that...)
- People who have been stitched back together after being decapitated by a bus should not have glass caskets.
- Earthquakes are caused by zombies riding motorcycles underground.
- Italians will top spaghetti with anything, even bananas.
- Erections frighten women.
- Having a four inch needle jammed into your testicle causes temporary impotence.
- Men can fake orgasms too. (Ha!)
- Never take a space heater to bed.
- If you want to live, stay out of Italian hospitals.
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- 8 mins - She had better get naked at some point or I'm getting mad.
- 17 mins - Flying blue flames?
- 20 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 34 mins - When did Francesco put pants on? He was in the shower when the zombies attacked...
- 39 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TV!
- 47 mins - Gnaghi, you are in love with a severed head!
- 53 mins - Killed the woman you love huh? Oops.
- 59 mins - Francesco needs about three years of couch sessions.
- 72 mins - What the HELL is going on? Where did she come from?
- 79 mins - Again?
- 85 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A NUN, A DOCTOR, AND A NURSE!
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | cemeteryman1.wav
| Straniero: "Oh sure, he came back from the dead. He raped her then bit her to death. Is that what he did?"
| | cemeteryman2.wav
| Death: "Stop killing the dead, they're mine. If you don't want the dead coming back to life why don't you just kill the living?"
| | cemeteryman3.wav
| Francesco: "You're supposed to be setting a good example. Now will you get back to your coffin immediately!"
| | cemeteryman4.wav
| Gnaghi: "Nah!"
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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