DATE WITH A VAMPIRE
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| Not Rated
| | Copyright 2001 After Midnight Entertainment
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 2 September 2001
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- Chuck - Male lead and, courtesy of this movie, I'm way too familiar with his butt cheeks.
- Violet - Female vampire who brings men home for business (eating) and pleasure (sex). Turned into a pile of ashes after getting too much sun.
- Rebecca - I'd started calling her "Goldilocks" due to her actions. Eaten by the stray vampire living in Violet's basement.
- Basement Vampire - He lives in the basement and has long canines, hence the name.
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I'm usually not one for vampire movies. By combining that with my preference to only review films when I'm in the mood for them, you can understand why this independent feature from Jeffrey Arsenault had remained on the "pending" shelf for so long. One thing you have to give this movie: it lives up to its name. Sure, the date might last all weekend and rarely involve leaving the bedroom, but who has not had one of those?
You haven't? I'm sorry to hear that...
Chuck meets an attractive woman at a bar and follows her home after a short period of enticement. Appearances are that Violet lives in a roomy house all to her own, but that was a point of confusion for much of the film. You will notice (if you have also seen this film then the odds are with you - play the lottery) them shutting doors behind themselves for privacy. The chivalrous gentleman insisting on going down into the wine cellar in the lady's stead, it being "too dangerous," just causes further bafflement.
Pleasantries are exchanged over a length of time (with a number of macabre double meanings), then the characters move on into the bedroom for some equally padded lovemaking. Why the extended discussion? So the girl can say, "Look, I'm not a floozy since we talked for twenty minutes before I laid you." Anyway, it just illustrates that scenes in this movie are loooonnnnggggg. Get used to the fact or flee screaming like banshees.
After the shower scene (turn on the fan, the steam is in the way) more porkin' smorkin' dorkin' horkin' ensues and Violet bites her boy toy through the carotid artery. Chuck gets up and examines the wound, then remains amazingly calm while fussing about her undead nature. It is only when he attempts to descend the stairs that any weakness manifests. The unlucky bachelor faints and dreams about a lesbian encounter between Violet and Rebecca. Two reasons make this remarkable: 1. Rebecca has yet to enter the film. 2. We later learn Chuck's real motives (I'll get to those in a moment).
Rebecca is trying to find her way into the house about now. Indeed, a protracted number of scenes establish this fact. Okay! I get the idea; she's searching for a way in. Egad. Eventually (and the sequence does that word much justice) she finds a way in and locates a comfortable bed to nap upon; hence the nickname "Goldilocks."
The young female intruder wakes to find candles burning in her room, but does not immediately flee. Instead she showers, then pokes around in the basement until a lurking vampire jumps out of the darkness. Munch, munch, gurgle, gurgle - no more Goldilocks.
Datewise is has been a mixed success so far. Sometimes Chuck is denouncing his soulless companion and others he is trying to give her an orgasm. When yet another morning comes she urges him to seek refuge from sunrise in the basement. I'm hardly an expert on being a member of the Nosferatu genus, but buying really thick curtains (heck, soaked in sunblock too) would be high on my list of errands. Unfortunately, it seems that Violet has underestimated her new plaything and will have to play the ultimate price. Chuck knew she was a vampire since they first met; he has been awaiting a chance to destroy her.
The acting is not so bad. Of course, this is when the script allows and does not call for ten minutes of Chuck and Violet rubbing against each other. Image quality reared its ugly head a number of times, but what caught my attention was Chuck's underwear. Don't go getting any weird ideas in your head. You see, he has sex several times with the insatiable vampiress and redresses in the same skivvies after each encounter. A laundering nightmare would best describe that undergarment. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Wine cellars are not safe, even in private homes.
- Romance moves slowly at 2:00 AM.
- During sex women's canines elongate.
- Lesbians were men in one of their previous lives.
- Having a pint of blood drained and then running down stairs will give you a head rush.
- Women have an unfair advantage in battles of wills: they use the "breasts" cheat code.
- Just because a guy does not have the strength to get out of bed does not mean he lacks the strength to have sex.
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- 3 mins - Let me give you some advice buddy: don't talk about seeing a pedestrian get run over by a car on the first date.
- 7 mins - Is there a tracheotomy patient in the basement?
- 11 mins - And now the porn music kicks in...
- 13 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 18 mins - Why is he not asleep?
- 30 mins - This might constitute a "Gratuitous Lesbian Sex Scene."
- 35 mins - Another one of those "waking up and finding yourself bound by rope" mornings. I hate those...
- 46 mins - She obviously sunbathes topless, but not bottomless.
- 47 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 49 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | datevampire1.wav
| Chuck: "I've been living in New York so long I'm used to the usual living space...apartments the size of a coffin."
| | datevampire2.wav
| Chuck: "I'm going to take a shower. I'm feeling kinda gross."
| | datevampire3.wav
| Chuck: "Is that why you have such a tough time dating? You can't decide whether you want to kiss them or eat them?"
| | datevampire4.wav
| Violet: "I know when someone is ready! How do you think I separate my food from my lovers?"
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | datevampire1.mpg
- 2.3m
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| Goldilocks started snooping around the basement (she should have stayed in the bed that was just right) and ran into a hungry bloodsucker. Does this really affect the plot in any way? No, but here it is.
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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