HORROR PLANET
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1981 Jupiter Film
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Mark - Electrician and born hero, he must have learned leadership playing football or soccer since we are treated to him jinking (for no obvious reason) down a hallway. Eaten by an alien baby.
- Sandy - Mark's girlfriend, goes a little sour after receiving a generous helping of extraterrestrial loving. Finally strangled by Mark, but not before she gives birth to a pair of bouncing baby bug monsters.
- Kate - Documentation Officer for the crew, what she acts like is a sort of reporter. Killed in some nasty way off camera.
- Holly - Mission Commander, acting was not her strong point. Ends up intimately knowledgeable about how painful being killed with a welding device can be.
- Gary - Technician, shot and nearly suffocated, then Sandy partially eats him. Not a good week to be Gary.
- Karl and Sharon - Doctor and nurse team, he is the standard type you will find in horror films, balding and spooky. She gets eaten by an alien baby while Sandy knocks his skull in with a dumbbell.
- Mitch - Not certain what he did other than get ripped apart by the Inseminoid.
- Gail and Barbra - Two bit part actresses who die, though Gail's death is one of the most confusing things I have seen. Her foot is trapped by scrap metal (just outside the airlock) when her suit's heating unit fails. For some odd reason she disconnects her air hose, opens the helmet visor, sticks the hose in her mouth, and starts chopping into her leg with a hedge trimmer. Bizarre.
- Dean and Ricky - The first is rendered vegetable matter by an explosion, then eaten as a frozen entree by Sandy. The second is infected and goes on a rampage until Kate shoots him.
- The Inseminoid - Strange bug alien that impregnates Sandy.
- The Alien Twins - Cute little things who seem harmless at first, until they eat Sharon.
- The Search and Rescue Team - Three guys, they sent three guys to find out what happened to the research station! Plus their uniforms have Marine Corps Sergeant Stripes (from the Dress Blue uniform) on them, but upside down.
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Some films almost seem to sing Pat Benatar songs to me, usually "Hit Me With Your Best Shot," though I must say "Get Nervous" comes to mind at times. This one manages to take the masochistic cake. Supposedly set on a far planet where the temperature is a balmy negative eighty-nine degrees Celsius, what you will mostly see is the inside of a mine. There are even one or two spots where graffiti, undoubtedly applied by adventuresome kids, can be seen on the walls.
That is the least problem our setting has, even though it is way below freezing out we never once see a heating duct. Anything to show how they are keeping the base warm enough for human life. If you don't have the intelligence or resources to accurately depict negative eighty-nine degrees then change the script!
More on facilities. Security cameras line the walls, but no cables to carry the signal are in evidence. Don't give me the old, "They laid cable inside the rock when they built the mine." spiel either. Paying close attention to the airlocks will reveal they have the same hatches you would find on a walk in freezer. Since the doors between sections are those plastic flaps found in grocery stores I will be cynical and shrewdly guess a food mart went out of business about the same time this movie was filmed.
Plot wise we are in bearable territory, a group of scientists and engineers are studying the planet when they discover an underground tomb. The hibernating Inseminoid acts pretty normal for a male after waking, it is hungry and horny. Mitch is snacked upon and then the beast seduces Sandy, well maybe a rather confusing delusion scene that gives us the impression mating takes place. Powerful alien wrigglers overcome her birth control and fertilize an egg, they also possess the young lady and cause her to start killing people. Most of the film is spent as the dwindling cast attempts to kill or subdue her, with anything at hand. This would include practice golf balls painted red (oops, I mean "explosive charges"), tranquilizers, and even a fire extinguisher.
In the end Mark strangles his murderous girlfriend with a cord, then succumbs to the newborn alien babies. Just in case you are wondering, at that point the film is not over, but you are only five minutes from freedom.
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Curiosity killed the astronaut.
- Isolation containers are filled with grape Kool-Aid.
- Electricians do not actually fix anything on trouble calls, they just have sex with their girlfriend.
- There is nothing more frightening than a woman with freezer burn.
- Aliens have a large glass pipette for a reproductive organ.
- Shop goggles help people to relax.
- Tight jeans and accelerated pregnancies do not mix.
- Migraines are caused by alien insemination.
- Sometimes it is okay to stomp on a pregnant woman's belly.
- Listening to a woman give birth causes spontaneous lesbianism.
- Ex girlfriends will chew off your kneecaps if given the chance.
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- 3 mins - The safety factor is sixty percent? I'll be damned if I'm going on that expedition.
- 21 mins - Maybe you should have planned for a contingency when the outer airlock would need to be closed remotely.
- 22 mins - Looks like a diving chronograph.
- 23 mins - What in the heck is she doing? This leaves me at a total loss for words.
- 28 mins - Wow, very cracked ground, but that would mean a recent soaking and evaporation of water on this planet... ...odd.
- 32 mins - If it really is negative eighty-nine degrees Celsius how did a fine spray of blood cover his helmet?
- 33 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 33 mins - Oh no, it's injecting her with spinach juice and onions! (Stops and thinks about this.) What?
- 33 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT FLASHBACK!
- 44 mins - She is smacking her head against the back of her hand.
- 48 mins - What is she doing to that body?
- 64 mins - Somehow Sandy has obtained the only firearm in this place, maybe that should have been kept locked up.
- 88 mins - The search and rescue team brought aboard a chest (which the alien babies are hiding inside of) before completing a search for survivors and without checking it's contents? Arrggghhh! My head!
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | horrorplanet1.wav
| Gary: "You can't give up now!"
Gail: "Oh Gary, I'm gonna die out here!"
| | horrorplanet2.wav
| Mitch: "You know, there's something about these crystals that we just haven't discovered yet."
| | horrorplanet3.wav
| Kate: "There's only one way to stop her, and that is to kill her!"
Mark: "Well, what do you suggest? What do you suggest? Do you know anything about that, Kate?"
| | horrorplanet4.wav
| Sandy giving birth, I sat through three minutes of this.
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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